Five reasons to welcome The Rapture


As the world cowers in fear of the Great Retribution "about" to befall us, we have to wonder what we're so afraid of. Firstly: if everything is reduced to nothingness tomorrow, then our unexistence probably won't bother us too much. I mean, gnomes and unicorns don't seem too upset about their status in unlife. Secondly, the world has been giving us plenty of reasons to just give up lately. And so here are five reasons to look forward to The End of Days.

[jump] Newt Gingrich has ruined disco

From Talking Points Memo:

Reporters did discover one aspect of Gingrich's campaign today that's likely a first: his cell phone, which went off at a rally, uses ABBA's "Dancing Queen" as its ringtone...

In addition to his confusing opinions on policy, Newt has to go and sharpen the edges of an already square genre? Thanks for that, Newt.

Slipknot's Corey Taylor was Oxford University's 'number one' pick


From NME, a transcript of an interview the singer gave to radio station The Rock:

"I've been asked to speak at Oxford University, which is very ironic seeing as I didn't graduate from high school. They took a vote about who they would want to speak at their student union and I was the number one pick, apparently, so I was like 'Yeah, okay, let's do this.' I'm probably going to swear and sweat a lot."

While we'd like to assume that the "future" of the European cognoscenti were being ironic here, what if they weren't? Luckily, it's a future we don't have to worry about!

Goth Sean Penn

Reuters brings us the news that Sean Penn's latest role is the portrayal of a Robert Smith analogue who goes out in search of revenge for his father's treatment by the Nazis. Sean Penn is a fantastic actor, and probably sounds great with an Irish accent! So why would we consider this a reason to celebrate god's impending wrath? See the below photograph.

Puff Daddy renames himself 'Swag'

Puff Daddy is a very rich man who is very adept at jumping on trends just moments after everyone else has heard about them. Cue a new name! On Sunday, when I'm nothing more than a cloud of particulated carbon and hydrogen, I'll say to myself "well at least Puff Daddy can't think of another stupid name for himself."

We don't have Macho Man Randy Savage anymore

We certainly don't. Today the beloved Mr. Man shuffled off the coil far too early. "But what does this have to do with music, Andrew?" Well sir or madam, you've obviously forgotten that Macho Man Randy Savage was a rapper in addition to a skinnybutcher. And now that all the lights in our chests have dimmed a little (RIP, sir), we'll never get a follow-up to the now-ironically-titled song below. So really, what's the point then?