Five no-name remixes of A$AP Rocky's "Goldie"

Despite having jammed "Goldie" dozens of times since it dropped, it's still pretty easy to kind of loathe the thing. Not the beat from Hit-Boy, which is sleepy/sinister nightmare lollipop genius that was hopefully really expensive, but the way that A$AP Rocky slimes it with lame pro forma kid-gangsta bullshit. It was inevitable that the song would wind up on tons of mixtapes eventually. That still hasn't happened, but it did find its way into the hands of dozens of no-name rappers who, based on an unscientific study, managed to do next to nothing interesting with it.

After the jump, 5ingles visits the more intriguing remixes out on YouTube, with the best at the very end.

Here's the original "Goldie" in NSFW video-clip form: 

5. Jamal Taylor, "Goldie" 

Hyperactive post-Danny Brown clone fury, which is to say that dude sounds whacked out but not that whacked out while bouncing along the edges of Hit-Boy's syrup-in-ur-cup murk-you murk like a keyed-up pinball. Also, rappers? When you want to get across that haters can't see you, must you always evoke Stevie Wonder? Hip-hop really needs more Andrea Bocelli shout-outs.

4. Mic Supreme, "Goldie" 

Mic Supreme is representative of that slightly egg-headed, exceedingly self-aware strain of conscious rap where mawkish wordiness is infinitely more important than vocal ease or verbal fluidity, where it's okay to be a little awkward because you know the audience is in your shoes most of the time. It's worth noting that in a lot of ways this isn't too far removed from A$AP Rocky's original in terms of oafishness.
3. SADoubleD, "Goldie Freestyle" 

The charisma on display here is at the very least early-Drake level, with a double-cappuccino shot of Asher Roth snottiness added for good measure. Like everybody else on this list, he was apparently incapable of building a knockout verse for his "Goldie" remix. Is that his promo glossy, up there? Very Marky-Mark, but I won't hate; things worked out pretty well for that guy.
2. SlimK, "Goldie (SlimK Slowdown Remix)" 
You can't go wrong with a slag-speed chopped'n'screwed remix of, like, anything with a hook and a cultural Q rating. SlimK drops skips into the original here and there, which has the effect of making his slowed-down reimagining seem that much more strung out. Bonus: if A$AP Rocky sounds like Bruce Banner on the original, SlimK's treatment transforms that $3 million pipsqueak into a Hulk.

1. C.F.C., "Goldie (Explicit) Remix" 

The first antecedent this remix brings to mind is Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, and not just because of C.F.C.'s grooming choices: there's a deceptive softness to his flow that forces you to focus in order to figure out what's being communicated, and then you realize that focusing in sucks you into a Brion-Gysin cut-up, logic-free zone. (The second antecedent this remix brings to mind: P.M. Dawn. No, really.) A multi-narcotic cocktail binge -- over several consecutive evenings- - would probably be necessary to truly make sense of what's happening here, but if you're not too hung up on rhyme and reason, cop this cloud-cruise cluster fuck for free here and enjoy a hackneyed sonic tour of C.F.C.'s jump-cut consciousness whenever the mood strikes you. It's certainly made the original irrelevant for your humble correspondent.

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