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Eric Church: Deconstructing a Cribs appearance, and yeast infections

Eric Church: Deconstructing a Cribs appearance, and yeast infections

So Eric Church is comin' to town tonight, playing the State Theatre (8:00, $24.50). If you follow my Gimme Noise ramblings closely, and I know at least a couple of you do, you may recognize him from a column I wrote back in August when he played the Cabooze. In it, I wrote about how his song "Love Your Love the Most" employs some of the bast damned country music clichés that I've heard since, well, since that last song I heard on country radio. And the one before that. And the one before that.

Man, country lyrics are easy as fuck to write if you know how to riff on some good Southern, down-home-cookin' clichés. If you follow Top 40 country music of today, and I know none of you do, you've probably heard the aforementioned song yourself. Maybe you even like it. I do, and ain't ashamed to admit it. But then, not having walked into the hallowed halls of my Catholic church 'cept for a wedding or two since my pre-teens, I don't know shame.

So why should we care about Eric Church? Well, he's one of the countless dude darlings of Top 40 country music today, and his songwriting just goes to town on an impressive number of clichés. This much we know so far. We know he loves sleepin' in on Saturdays, he loves college football games, not acting his age, and good barbecue (per his song, which goes on to detail his love for a good NASCAR race, as well). But in anticipation of show this evening, I want you to know something else.

Eric Church loves his man cave.

What's a man cave? Halt that dirty mind'a yers. A man cave is, per urbandictionary.com, "A room, space, corner or area of a dwelling that is specifically reserved for a male person to be in a solitary condition, away from the rest of the household in order to work, play, involve himself in certain hobbies, activities without interuption (sic). This area is usually decorated by the male that uses it without interferance (sic) from any female influence)." Usage: "Tom retreated to the Man Cave to play his online rpg game." And, in a less manly description, "An emotional sanctuary for men when they're stressed and need 'space' or time away from females, responsibilities, etc." Usage: "Sam went offline and wouldn't answer calls, retreating to his man cave to think."
 
Men are such complex creatures. They require significant alone time to dedicate to role playing games and to "thinking." Females represent responsibility and stress. As I understand it, a "man cave" is my father's farm, shop, or treestand of yesteryear, the places to which he'd escape during his off-the-clock daylight hours, an escape from us. From us. The women. Bitchy, needy, demanding women. Brad Pitt has a man cave, I think I heard on Entertainment Tonight or one of its tabloid-lite equivalents. I imagine this is a necessity, in order to escape from his crazy female companion as she demands they procure more and more and more and more children from the developing world. What a demanding bitch. We all are. Which is why men need their caves. To ooga ooga make big fire and oof oof scratch balls and... okay I'm just being facetious now. Men don't need caves and they can fuck right off if they think they do. We are demanding on account of biology and because men love to spread seed and run and we know it and that's why we're demanding. No, you can't put a pool table in your man cave, you dumbass. Because that isn't your man cave, it's a garage. Grow up.

Anyway, Eric Church. We were talking about Eric Church, playing tonight at the State. I don't have cable, and didn't know 'til recently that such a thing existed but CMT has its own version of Cribs. As well it should, because those big country artists make motherfuckin' bank. The 'burbs of Nashville are like a big ol' giant pool buildin', more bathrooms than you have bedrooms, more media rooms than you have garage stalls promised land. So Eric Church was on CMT Cribs, and of course, in addition to likely having a lot of these things, he has a "man cave."

This is Jason Aldean, not Eric Church, on CMT Cribs

Do I know this from seeing this episode myself? Hell naw. No cable, 'member? But the show description offered in that link describes it all.

Why does every man in Nashville seem to be so obsessed with having a man cave?

(Note once again, man cave equals room with pool table, bar, and Budweiser neon light sans woman. It's a room, not an... um... uhhh... ah-ha-ha-ha-hem elbow elbow heh heh heh.)

Is it their God-given right or something?

As I've mentioned, I grew up Catholic which means I don't know a whole lot about God aside from memorizing a whole lotta meaningless Bible verses and prayers and going to confession every (ha!) week, so I really don't know the answer to that question, but I think the Christian God so embraced by Nashville promotes monogamy and procreative sex, and I s'pose if you're gonna kill your one-and-only, your wife, your baby mama unless you have a room with a pool table, bar, and Budweiser neon light to keep things low-stress enough to prevent you from doing so, then yes. That is your God-given right. Or something.

You never hear women bragging about their girl cave, do you?

Hold the goddamned train. Hold it up here. Now when you say "girl" and then "cave," you know where my mind goes. Must I again cite urban dictionary? I will you know. And yes, I have bragged about mine. I mean, if dudes can brag about size I can... okay never mind. Before I go to far, never mind. Forget I brought it up.

But if you are into that kind of thing, tune in Friday (Feb. 5) to watch Eric Church show you his.

His. His. His what? Oh, his man cave. Not his girl cave. Phew!

He and his wife Katherine will be giving you a personal tour of their newly-renovated home in Nashville for an episode of CMT Cribs. It will have more than the aforementioned cave, though.

Damn! Guess you do still have to pay extra for Cinemax to see that kinda shit. Anyway, go on...

There's a homegrown backyard garden, and the master bedroom has separate bathrooms, which the couple admits is the secret to a happy marriage.

Aw shucks. And a man with a man cave would know.

Dumbass.
 
Anyway, I was trying to find the link to my first mention of Eric Church on Gimme Noise, and came across this Jack Sparks article on Church from a handful of years ago. For those of you who don't remember, Jack Sparks was my predecessor from that one other time City Pages thought it'd be a good idea to have a country music writer on hand. I think that was about the same time Diablo Cody was blogging here, no? Here's to hoping Jack Sparks and I will someday, like her, be walking the red carpet bitching to any media outlet that'll listen that we refuse to wear million dollar shoes to the Oscars and also writing really, really, horribly bad screenplays (sorry Diablo! Really liked your stripper memoir, though!).

The Sparks article is funny. Very funny. Rips Church right the fuck apart, not for his "man cave" but for his -- oh looky here! -- totally clichéd lyrics (in this case, describing a scenario in which he knocks up then marries his girlfriend, the song called "Two Pink Lines." Get it? Get it? Yeah, probably not. Y'all probably been in your "man caves" too long to know that sometimes we forget to take our estrogen/progestin combos, miss periods, and hope to god we see a minus not plus, one line not two. In other words, it's a song about a positive pregnancy test).

So Church has been at this lyrical cliché business for quite a while. I'm not the first to notice it here. Anyway, I thought it would be worth mentioning that Sparks created a very clever pastiche of Church's song, this one focusing on "the OTHER pressing, vaginal issue of our day, yeast infections:"

She said don't worry
It's 'sposed to feel squishy
When I got down there
I thought it smelled fishy
Two weeks later
I nearly lost my hat
She said, "you big dummy
It's 'sposed to itch like that."

The point of all this? One: Eric Church, lyricist extraordinaire, is playing the State tonight. We got that. Two: A sexual health lesson. Yeast infections don't smell "fishy." Fishy vagina smell is most often a sign of bacterial vaginosis, a condition that should be treated by a doctor and most often with antibiotics.

Eric Church. Man Cave. Girl Cave. Bacterial Vaginosis.

Tonight, I will not be at the Eric Church show. I will be driving to South Dakota to see David Allan Coe whom I will never attempt to deconstruct unless under the influence of a whole lot of drugs.


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