Dear Mr. Hawaii Dude

Time for those Landers girls to retire: Mr. Hawaii Dude answers questions from music fans
Tony Nelson

Editor's note: Behold, the first installment of Dear Rock Star, a monthly column in which local performers field questions from their adoring public. This month Steve Barone of the Hawaii Show has been kind enough to play host. The Hawaii Dude's self-titled album of self-described "fake music"--you know, fist-pumping anthems about abdominal models who grate Parmesan cheese on their six-packs--is now available on Heart of a Champion Records. Today he's serving as our Dear Abby. I keep telling him that dressing in a skirt and pearls isn't necessary.


I gave my band's record to Radio K and they said they would let me know if they were going to play it at all. It's been like three months now. I lost hope. This happened to my friend's band too. Do you have to be cool or something? Play out-of-tune guitars and sing like crap? What's up with that? --Bummed in Blaine

It's college radio. All you need is indie cred. Here's what you do: Listen to what they play and compare the music to your tunes. If it doesn't relate, STOP HERE. If you see yourself fitting in, recognize that we live in a small town with a very incestuous music scene, which is fragmented into little mini-scenes that are defined by bars and the bands that play in them. The majority of local bands that get airtime on Radio K play in the Turf Club-Entry-Big V's-Dinkytowner scene. Start hanging out in these places and stand next to me. Duh.


I had a two-and-a-half-year relationship with "Alison" that resulted in me writing a CD about her called Ruins, where the songs follow the course of the affair. Is it wrong for me to invite her to my show at the 7th St. Entry? --Cary Aria

You could invite her to your show and tell her that you'll put her on the list. Then "accidentally" forget to write her name down. Dis. NOTE: This works only if she shows up. Rather than opening yourself up to an embarrassing situation if she doesn't come, don't invite her and see if she shows up. In this case it doesn't matter if she makes the gig. If she does, you'll get an ego boost and that immediate satisfaction that you crave. Beware: An entire set of self-indulgence is weak.


I saw your show once. I couldn't tell if it was performance art or a magic show. What is it? --Brad Jorgensen

Seven-and-a-half minutes of fame with extra cheese.


My green glitter eyeliner clashes with my cherry-red strat and I want to cover it in green glitter. Do you think if I put hairspray over the eyeliner on the guitar, it'll be permanent like paint? --Black Alis

Never ever waste crucial hair products on your guitar. Try Saran Wrap.


I sing in a band. Should I bleach my hair blond to get more guys? Will my bleached blond hair draw a larger male audience? --Sharon E. Rossi

First of all, dyeing your hair any color doesn't guarantee you any dudes...being hot does. Are you hot or not? If you're, like, a nine or higher, you can pretty much get away with anything. If you don't have a good extended chick forecast (ECF), I suggest supplementing the blond 'do with a fake tan. I love that.


Do you have a music-related question that you're dying to have answered? Well, we won't answer them, so why don't you call Spin several times a day until someone over there gives you the attention you deserve? Just kidding. If you send it to me, Melissa Maerz, at [email protected] with "Dear Rock Star" in the title and your phone number in the text, I'll send it along to the next guest expert. I'll be waiting for your e-mails! And by "waiting," I mean surfing the Net and determining my extended chick forecast.

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