I'm sorry to hear that your dish was served cold, Mr. Cook, but we were told that was the way to best prepare it.
It's a tragedy only matched by the quality of Dane Cook's material-- the steroidal white hat stand-up awoke in December of 2008 from a fitful, haunted sleep to find that, when he wasn't looking, someone went and took a big bite out of his fortunes.
"Hey," he loudly cried, "I stole that money fair and square!"
And to make this tragedy even more Grecian, turns out it's Cook's own deadbeat half brother, predictably named Darryl McCauley.
A film that makes us long for the sophistication of the shocker-- Cook in Employee of the Month.
Details are scarce, but reports say the embezzlement went on for over a year, and the figures have climbed into the millions, which of course precipitates the horrifying realization that Dane Cook, who made his name on badly crafted poo poo jokes and would have made a great heir to the Oxy Clean guy, indeed has millions to steal.
An interesting detail from the story-- this Darryl fellow tried to forge a $3 million dollar check under Cook's name, a stunt every bit as harebrained and unfunny as Cook's turn in Employee of the Month.
Louis CK must surely be applauding Cook's misfortune-- Cook's plagiarism from CK's routines, as well as other comics', is extensively documented. It should make CKs everyman grin just a touch wryer than usual when he takes to the Pantages stage tonight, dignity intact.
It's Friday, and we'd hate to sour you as you squat in your cubicle, gazing in fruitless anxiety as the second hand makes its march around the clock dial. But Dane Cook's success is the three card monte of our culture-- that small scrap of erosion on the seawall that gives one a moment's pause; the pimple on the neck that just won't go away and is just too big to pop. His gaze, staring at so many of us from the Myspace welcome page, is the very gaze of unearned prosperity. Just an untalented hack who got rich with theft, skated on good looks, and got ripped off by a petty thief. What a country.
We do traffic in schadenfreude. It's true. And while this isn't exactly the tar and feathers we might have hoped for Mr. Cook, here's hoping this budgetary shortfall will at least keep him from voicing Farce of the Penguins 2.