Courtney Love's memoir: 20 questions it should try to answer

Courtney Love's memoir: 20 questions it should try to answer
Photo by Nick Vlcek

Late last week, word broke that Courtney Love is writing - or co-writing, or dictating, or bashing out in innumerable typo-strewn MySpace blog posts to be deciphered later, or whatever - her memoirs

Having thrilled to the Hole frontwoman's/Kurt Cobain widow's/catastrophe lightning rod's diaries a couple years back, Gimme Noise is more or less predisposed to put down money stacks for a profanity-laced account of end-times debauchery, alt-rock demi-god shagging, and court-docket-bound shenanigans. (Keith Richards' Life will probably read like the Boy Scouts manual by comparison.) But I'd be especially super-duper gratified if Love's tell-all wound up answering at least most of the following 20 questions. 

Let's hear you field these, Court.

1. Edward Norton: moaner or screamer?

2. In your spare time, do you dress up in a trench coat and fake mustache and stalk Christie McVie and Stevie Nicks around Los Angeles?

3. Are Korn groupies hotter than Faith No More groupies?

4. How much of the past 20 or 30 years or your life can you actually, honestly remember?

5. Fess up: have you ever used candid studio-session snapshots of Linda Perry to scare small children?

6. How much are you legally or morally obligated to leave out of this memoir?

7. Does it skeez you out to know that you used to sleep with a guy who eventually wound up servicing Tila Tequila?

8. If you get too close to a furnace, will your face melt? Has it ever happened before?

9. Do you ever wake up in a plush four-poster bed and believe for a couple minutes that you're actually homeless at the bottom of a dumpster off of Rodeo Drive?

10. Why is Michael Jackson's doctor's cell phone number still in your Rolodex? That dude killed MJ; he's on trial.

11. Trent Reznor's nail: eight inches or ten inches?

12. When will you launch your European fashion blog?

13. Were you higher when you agreed to appear in Trapped than you were while actually filming that piece of shit?

14. Have you ever screamed the lyrics to "I'll Do Anything" at the top of your lungs while at a BET Awards afterparty or Congressional Black Caucus meet-and-greet event while wearing nothing but a smile?

15. Does Francis Bean actually respect you? Really?

16. Does it bother you that the vanished-from-the-Internet photograph of you suckling a man in a fast-food establishment is in many ways representative of your ramshackle public persona?

17. Isn't it sort of ironic that you've invested so much time and energy and vigor in crusading for musicians' rights, but you're usually too drama-crippled to record and release much of anything yourself?

18. If someone got hold of one of your pre-cosmetic surgery photographs and had it advance-dated to correspond to your present age, and then had the advanced-date photograph blown up to 10-times life size and made copies and called in some friends to sort of picket your penthouse, with the signs, singing songs and chanting slogans, all "Occupy Wall Street" style, would you tell the crowd to fuck off or treat them to steaming mugs of Oxycontin-laced cocoa?

19. Do you ever ring Patty Schemel, just to, you know, check up on her, to see how everything's going?

20. Have you heard any good Nirvana jokes lately?

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