The Black Keys. Coldplay. Kings of Leon. Imagine Dragons. The Lumineers. Does this sound like the headlining stage of a cruise ship plummeting through a Disney movie portal into hell? Perhaps. However, what those names actually represent in this case could be far more alarming. These are all bands mentioned alongside the announcement for the new Clear Channel station, ALT 93.3, a new outlet devoted to flooding your speakers with salty, lukewarm -- and for a limited time, commercial-free -- diarrhea. Or as it is more commonly known as, "Adult Alternative."
Upon the announcement of the station, Clear Channel's marketing president, Michael Crusham (who is most certainly crushing it when it comes to creating a homogenized radioscape for white people) had a pretty choice quote: "There is a big appetite for the kind of music that ALT will play. We are going to have fun feeding the Twin Cities with their kind of music."
Wha? With their kind of music, eh? You can almost imagine Crusham as he hovers over the primitive reptile-folk of the Twin Cities, dangling our daily dose of Foster the People and Bastille mealworms over our grateful and gritty tongues. Or maybe he's intending to stitch fringe Current, 93X, and Cities 97 listeners together to vomit the Killers' basslines into each others' mouths.
While the statement is as presumptuous as it is nefarious-sounding, it's important to honestly consider the ramifications of unleashing such a streamlined avenue of sonic torment. In fact, when you use the part of your brain that isn't occupied by Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" playing endlessly, you can actually see how this terrifying manifestation could possibly have some truly positive impact on us pitiful plebeians.
So what's the good part? Like a hostile gang territory with a pair of sneakers slung over the telephone lines, we can now safely dismiss the entire 93 spectrum from our radios. On one side, the insincere funk warbling of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Go up a few notches to the Cumulus Media-owned 93X and you have a more overt, dangerous outlet showcasing the finest "I'm gonna sing these verses then scream the chorus" radio-waste that this nation has to offer.
Essentially, the two stations create a containment unit for these despicable anthems. By isolating these songs to these nearby frequencies, we can quarantine them into a bleak repository and hopefully discourage other stations from playing these tunes beyond their designated territory. It joins the ranks of potential radio road hazards putting people to sleep.
Sadly, despite the potential benefits of having yet another hackneyed and pedestrian radio station for you to scream at your co-workers over, the creation of ALT 93.3 is still an immediate and tremendous steel-toed kick in the groin to the Twin Cities.
For more depression and reassurance on how culturally damaging this station will probably be to everyone who isn't a high school athletics coach, make sure to visit its website and check out groundbreaking articles like "32 Cougar Names," "Photos That Rock," "Foods Named After People," and "50 Banned License Plates."
This sucks. Change the channel.
Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula.
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