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A Pitbull and Enrique Iglesias Show Is Paradise for Drunk Moms

Pitbull and Enrique Iglesias
Target Center, Minneapolis
Saturday, February 21, 2015


Going to a Pitbull and Enrique Iglesias concert by yourself is sort of like being drunk and lonely on Valentine's Day. Except that you're surrounded by thousands of people and you're not actually drunk because it's at the Target Center and beers are really expensive.

The show drew a massively diverse crowd. All ages, all socio-economic demographics, all races -- pretty much everyone in Minnesota was there last night. It was a truly remarkable celebration of humanity. I have never felt more alone.

See also:
Slideshow: Pitbull and Enrique Iglesias Heat Up the Target Center


[jump] I found myself seated next to a group of intoxicated middle-aged women on a girls' night out. They spent the evening spilling beer on my shoes, and from time to time trying to convince me to dance with them. "You should be enjoying this," one of them said to me, somewhat concerned. "It's a great show."

It was a great show. Pitbull is one of the most incredible people on the planet. He's short, bald, not particularly talented, and rather particularly unattractive, but he's somehow managed to become a global entertainment celebrity on the sheer force of his own confidence. It's wonderful to watch someone so completely in the throes of self-actualization. Everything was exciting -- the dancing, the live band, the occasional lectures on the Pitbull Life Philosophy. "I Know You Want Me" sounded just as fresh as "Timber," and "Wild Wild Love" sounded just as classic as "Hotel Room Service."

"Aren't you going to dance?" shouted my drunk mom friend as she and her fellow drunk moms were worked into a tizzy by "Fireball." "It's okay to dance, you know!" I nodded and put my hands in the obligatory air.

As Pitbull was going through his motions, grinning to himself, it was easy to wonder if it was all forced. Maybe he's lonely too, standing alone in the spotlight, surrounded by beautiful women that he claims to be enthusiastic about but seems more or less indifferent to. Is it all an act? Probably not. He really seemed happy. What does he know that I didn't know?

"This record right here showed how I took my life from a negative to a positive," he philosophized before launching into an emotional and confetti-strewn performance of "Give Me Everthing." I tried to meditate on the lyrics but the drunk moms kept bumping into me and it was very distracting.
[page] Enrique Iglesias is in many ways the opposite of Pitbull in that he is the generally agreed-upon epitome of human male beauty and also marginally talented. This makes his stunned self-adoration more annoying than Pitbull's, even if it is more deserved. He flexes, puffs out his chest, licks his lips at pretty girls, and all the while wears a silly Che Guevara cap to prove how down-to-earth and humble he is. In the end, his grinning and his microphone-abusing antics are too much to resist.

Mid-set he moved his band to a small stage in the back of the arena to perform a series of Spanish-language love ballads. At one point he pulled a fan onstage and peer-pressured him into taking a shot. "I'm getting drunk tonight," said Enrique, spilling liquor all over the floor while Rubin Left-Shark-ed his way through a performance of "Stand By Me,"  Enrique shrugged. "You gotta say, fuck it -- just think ahead, think of the good times." Rubin nodded in agreement.

The highlight of the night, of course, was "Hero," which was honestly one of the most moving things I have ever experienced. The glow of 10,000 iPhone flashlights shone like fireflies through the smoke and the leftover confetti and the general haze of tears that were streaming from the eyes of everyone in the room -- including mine. Friends squeezed together to take selfies, and the couple in front of me embraced and kissed passionately. "I will stand by you forever," sang Enrique before collapsing onto his knees in the spotlight.

Stand by me forever -- no one. Except this drunk mom.

Afterward Pitbull came back on to do one last performance of "I Like It," which ended with an embrace and lots of tearful smiling. "We fuckin' love you, Minnesota," Enrique gasped, shaking his head and throwing his arm around Pitbull. It really sounded genuine.

I felt the love. There was so much of it in the room -- love of friends, love of oneself, love of stunningly attractive men from warm climates. It was there and it was real and it was shared by everyone except me.

I will almost definitely die alone.
 
Overheard: Drunk Mom #1: "I wish I could shake my ass like that!"
Drunk Mom #2: "I would LOVE -- I would just be, DANCING!!!"

The Crowd: Pitbull - "All my whitefolks make some noise!"
Whitefolks - [noise]
Pitbull - All my blackfolks make some noise!"
Blackfolks - [decidedly less noise]
Pitbull - Latiiiiiiiinoooo!
Latiiiiiinnoooo - [decidedly more noise]
(Pitbull beams like a proud father. The Asian guy sitting to my right is not pleased.)

The Opener: J Balvin makes reggaeton music that to me sounds like all other reggaeton music in that it is fun and that I don't know how to dance to it.

Critic's Bias: I would dance if you asked me to dance. I would run and never look back. I would cry if I saw you crying. I don't know if I could save your soul tonight, but I would try. A drunk mom grabbed my shoulder at one point, deeply worried about me. "Don't you have any friends?" she gasped. I told her that I couldn't get a ticket for my girlfriend and that she was super bummed to be missing out and that I was texting her this whole time to tell her how great the show was. But this was a lie.

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