Past security it's an all-out war zone. Wristbands and X'ed hands help them sort through the bodies. Lasers fire from the stage over legions of fans who are totally raging, bro. Flashing strobe lights disorient as bass blasts and confetti gunfire send the bodies of generation YOLO writhing on the dance floor. Strawberry Bubblicious is distributed as first aid.
Welcome to an EDM show, where no one questions why that girl's wearing a furry purple tail.
This frenetic, neon rainbow is made up of a cast of beautiful weirdos. Specifically, these nine beautiful weirdos:
A perennial friend-zone dweller, the introverted glover wants to meet new people, so he ordered gloves with LED fingertips off Amazon. Now raver kids flock to him like zombies to a corpse, hoping he’ll wave his blinky hand lights in their glossed-over faces for a couple minutes. He performs silently, wowing dilated pupils before bidding adieu with a platonic hug or fist-bump.
The aggressive bro-step guy
This human time bomb lies dormant in the middle of the dance floor for the first 20 minutes of the set. But when the bass gets extra gross, he loses his shit, thrashing around like a gorilla at a Slayer show. No one else came to mosh, but 90 seconds later the Excision song ends and he calms the hell down, much to everyone else's relief.
The unassuming party boys
In their Polo shirts and golf shorts, these guys have suddenly stepped from a country club locker room into a debauched Narnia. The Deadmau5 playlist their fraternity brother gave them did not prepare them. Their heads are on a swivel during dance-floor explorations, as molly gnomes and animal-hat ravers swirl around them. They’re here for the party, and after three Fireballs their feet are shuffling and they’re making Ultra plans.
The underdressed coed
She still lives at her parents’ house in Blaine while taking classes at North Hennepin, so going out in fishnets and neon booty shorts plunges a hot pink dagger into daddy's heart. Beneath furry Mastodon boots, her ankles are the most covered part of her body. Butt cheek is the new cleavage. So, when the underdressed coed frolics past the three 29-year-olds in the club – brushing them with her glittery pink boa – they turn into angry protective parents. They're horrified for America's future until remembering their JNCO phase.
The grateful bartender
With half the crowd under 21 or on something else, he tried for a month to ditch this shift. But here he is on Saturday slinging waters for no tips. His eyes deaden when the guy in the half-buttoned shirt takes 10 minutes to order seven complicated shots and two, no three, vodka sodas with a lemon and a lime. So your decisive “whatever your cheapest beer is” order and not-terrible tip gets you served before the mumbler sweating through his laser-eyed kitty tank top next time around.
The super fan
He’s seen DJ Whoever a hundred times. As “sick” as this show is, the exact same preprogrammed set he played at Electric Forest was even more amaaaazing. His festival resume, which comes up every other minute, is longer than most bands’. He was totally into deep house before anyone.
The too-turnt guy
Doing molly dabs in the bathroom with a rando named Nugget sounded like a great idea an hour ago. But you gotta know your limits. After annihilating the dance floor during the opener, too-turnt guy stumbles around the club with his mouth ajar searching for either A) his friends, who haven’t moved since he wandered off or B) more of whatever did him in. He remembers nothing the next morning, but swears it was the #bestnightever.
The kandi raver
En route to the show, the kandi raver stops off to fill her Care Bears backpack with glowsticks, blinky pacifiers, and candy. The cashier stares quizzically at what appears to be Rainbow Brite on acid, who’s wearing neon everything and a gauntlet of bead bracelets. It’s awkward until she gives him a piece of PLUR flair off her arm, blows a handful of glitter in the air and disappears, giggling like an anime character.
The do-nothing DJ
Do-nothing DJ is actually super busy. From behind his laptop, the baby-faced star makes adorable hand hearts, dramatically mouths the choruses, and works on his taxes between cueing up tracks. He basically does everything but DJ.