76 band names better than the guys who played Turf Club last night

David Joles, Star Tribune

David Joles, Star Tribune

 A band played the Turf Club in St. Paul last night.

Maybe some of you went. We at City Pages had heard about "a group of Rock n' Roll pot-smoking fun-loving long hairs that are passionate about art, creativity and the dynamic human spirit which refuses to submit," but decided against it.

If there is anything interesting about this band of out-of-towners, it is its name. Or maybe just the (often outraged) reaction to its name, the sort of lamely provocative name you might expect from 13-year-old boys trying to shock their parents.  

But then those 13 year olds would grow up, and someday realize their parents had been right. That name was stupid.

We briefly considered writing about the name, and how wild and rebellious these far-out rockers must be. But then, that's just what they want. 

A better idea, with more value to the public, would be showing how easy it is to come up with perfectly rockin' names. What follows is a grossly incomplete list of available band names, should you be in the market either now, or in the future, when you come to regret the stupid one you'd picked and toured the country with. Maybe after you turn 14.

Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments. 

Truth Medicine
Rebel Enablers
Villainous Man-haters
A Most Guilty Lot
Perfectly Appointed Womb
Cancerous Fuckbois
Milo Yiannopolis Teen Fan Club
Little Caesars Apostrophe

Long Haired Hippie Loser Dipshits From That West Coast City That Has 70 Food Trucks That Only Serve Bone Broth
Pink Slime
Herpes Army
Planned Parenthood Receipt

Average Dick
Mike Pence Dinner Handjob
Eric Trump Diagnosis

Ant Genocide
The Tom Brady Bill
Mary Poppins' Cherries
Darkest Black

Hades Babies
Oxford Coma

Oral Vagina
Fuck Dick
Dick Fuck
Dick Dick
Facesit She's Gonna Leave You
Dick Dick Grey Dick
Slugs: The Movie: The Band
The Bowling Green Massacre
LaCroix Farts
Chuck Berry's Pee Cam

Church Orgasm
Extinct Mosquito
Gangrene Forest
Fresh Ruins
All White Men Are Bad
Olympic Pool of The Blood of Christians
Cunt Barker
Cunt Cunt
Cunt Cunt Cunt
Volcano Party
The Anal Fissures Men
Business Casualty
Sliver Mouth
The Boy Who Cried Dick Wolf
Hitler feat. Elvis
The Adolf Hitler Sextet
Plastic Bag Ban Ban Ban
Facebook Table of Contents
Birth Control Alt Delete
Subaru Outback Steakhouse
Matlock Meat Market
Bob Ross Afro Comb
Absolute PowerPoint Corrupts Absolutely
The Westboro Podcast
Anal Cult
Punk Lives Matter
Open Marriage
A Sterile Environment
Bøner P4trl
Alexa, Play Music
Uber for Music
The White Southern Baptist Choir
Mao Zedong and the Dance Dance Revolution
Cosby Freedom Fighters
The New Painkiller Generation
Papa John's Deep Sadness
Sexually Experienced Teenagers 
Soucherape Culture
Eating People Magazine
Extremely Bold Boundary-Pushing Postracial Geniuses Who Still Can't Write A Song Half As Good As Deep Purple, Which Is Sad Cuz That Band Wasn't Even Very Good