Feeling down about the end of American democracy? Abjectly terrified for our nation’s future? Looking for some good news to help take your mind off the presidency of a sociopath who very clearly suffers from narcissistic personality disorder?
Cheer up -- we’ve got a whale of pick-me-up for you!
An opportunity looms on the horizon that will make you forget all about this little speed bump in the way of American progress.
Ready for this?
In just a few short days, you can have your photo taken with world-famous rap star 50 Cent!
Unreal, right? 50 Cent is coming to Minneapolis' Chicago-Lake Liquors on Saturday to promote his luxury vodka brand, just ahead of his concert at Myth. And for one glorious hour (3-4 p.m.) you'll be able to meet and greet him in the flesh. With. Photo. Opportunity.
Now let’s be honest with ourselves. It’s 2017. The “opportunity” here is to update our social media avatars. To achieve a kind of profile-picture nirvana with the aid of a famous person.
You’re probably wondering how you can make the most of this very important photo-op; you don’t want to screw it up. Sure, it seems simple. Stand next to Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. Smile. Upload to the internet. Bathe in a sea of Facebook likes.
Both wrong and irresponsible. Take this opportunity seriously. Why, it's the second greatest thing to ever happen inside this liquor store! Here's the first:
Anyway, this photo with 50 Cent will be how the world sees you. This could be the image used in your obituary. Get it right or die trying*.
(*City Pages is not responsible if you die trying.)
Here are seven easy tips to achieving profile-picture perfection this Saturday. Follow them closely and you will be the envy of your internet community.
1. Groom yourself
50 Cent is a famously handsome man known for his sculpted physique and precisely trimmed facial hair. If you show up looking like garbage, your homeliness will be accentuated in the shadow of 50’s incredible beauty.
Shave. Schedule a haircut this week. Buy some teeth whitening strips today, and wear them around the clock until next Saturday. Also, it wouldn’t kill you to do some push-ups. Take some pride in your appearance.
2. Dress to impress
Look at 50 in the above promotional photograph. He's not dressed like you; he’s wearing a well-tailored suit. He emanates the look of a man successful enough to get paid to spend an hour posing inside a liquor store, and you might want to consider following his lead.
Get yourself a power-suit. Buy a dress that screams success. Better yet, buy a wedding dress. Double down on this opportunity. Your photo will then tell the world: “Not only has a person finally found me appealing enough to marry, but that person is world-famous rap star Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. It goes without saying that I am no longer desperately alone.”
3. To smile or not to smile?
Here you’re going to want to follow 50’s lead. A quick Google image search shows that the man prefers to mean-mug for the camera, but that a smile can be coaxed out of him while posing with commoners.
Do some research yourself while waiting in line. How is 50 posing with your brethren? Be prepared. What you don’t want is an awkward mix of facial profiles. You will look like a fool if you’re grinning while 50 stares down the camera.
You could play it safe by manipulating the situation. Are you funny? Tell a winning joke that’s guaranteed to have you both smiling for the camera. If you’re not funny you could always fart. Farts are funny. Time your toot just before the camera flashes and you’re guaranteed a photo giving the appearance of friendship emerging between you and 50 Cent.
4. Bring a prop
Nothing too tacky, but props can make a photograph memorable. Do you have a couple magicians’ wands collecting dust in your closet? Bring them and create a photograph in which “magic sticks” are no longer just euphemisms for 50’s penis. Your friends will “like” the hell out of it.
Or you could bring fishing rods and a live walleye. Then the photo will look spontaneous and less like a cheap marketing stunt in which 50 Cent is shamelessly cashing in on his fame by posing for fan photos. Instead, you’ll look like friends who were just out fishing and decided to stop off for refreshments. Use your imagination. Nothing ridiculous.
5. Be beautiful
You know what seems to be popular on the internet? Beautiful people. For some reason people can’t help themselves from clicking away at their images. If you were to be a stunningly beautiful person, we can promise you that the reception to your picture with 50 Cent will improve dramatically. A foolproof way to create a “like” frenzy.
6. Be yourself
No one “likes” a phony. Be authentic to your inner-self in a staged vodka promotion with Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. Not only will you gain popularity among peers, but you’ll gain something infinitely more important -- their respect.
7. Fight 50 Cent
If you’re not committed to our process but still want a memorable photo, there is another option. The nuclear option. We are in no way advocating that readers start a fistfight with 50 Cent moments before your picture is taken. That would be insane. All we’re saying is that if a person were to do something that crazy, it would really give the photo legs.