5 Ways Sisqó Will Impact Minnesota

Sisqó in the "Thong Song" video

Sisqó in the "Thong Song" video

As we reported yesterday, former Dru Hill standout and "Thong Song" singer Sisqó currently resides in Maple Grove, MN. (Semi-related: The New York Times ran a story yesterday about the death of the thong; there are feminist implications.) The silver-headed, early-2000s icon's newfound Minnesota residence delighted our fair state's residents, undoubtedly conjuring memories of slow-dancing to the Rush Hour soundtrack and holding hands at opening-weekend screenings of Get Over It.

But now that we know the 36-year-old singer feels at home in Minnesota, how will the rising levels of Sisqósity change things here? We sought out leading Sisqólogists to assemble a list of five ways Sisqó's presence will impact Minnesota.

An Increase in Local Dragon Unleashing In 1999, Sisqó broke as a solo artist with the release of Unleash the Dragon. There's plenty of speculation as to what the dragon metaphor means, ranging from the inspirational to the sexual. For Sisqó, there's more to offer. There's the literal.

In an unfortunately unreleased music video for the title track that certainly cost a lot of 2000s music-biz dollars, Sisqó not only unleashed an actual dragon, but fought it as well. Expect further dragon attacks this summer and for Sisqó to protect us all. Whether Sisqó has a similar problem with former Ruff Ryders member Drag-On is unconfirmed.

See also: Umm, Turns Out Sisqó Lives in Maple Grove

More Giant Spaceships Full of Pepsi When you're as successful as Sisqó, it's not enough to merely sip one's Pepsi from a can. Nope, the best way to take in the carbonated beverage is aboard a rocket ship in a perpetual party after somersaulting and catching it on your tongue. Now that Sisqó's here in Minnesota, don't act surprised when more of these Pepsi Spaceships just start appearing during your morning commute.

Stevie Wonder Albums Now Entirely Composed of Songs About Will Smith Movies The midpoint between Sisqó's work with Dru Hill and jumping off into solo superstardom was his singing on the hook for Will Smith's "Wild Wild West." On the track written for Smith's film of the same name, Sisqó reimagined Stevie Wonder's vocals for "I Wish" into a song about going to see Will Smith's movie. We don't know if you've taken a look at your copy of Songs in the Key of Life recently, but we suspect all the tracks are now also about Will Smith movies. From "Love's in Need of Suicide Squad" to "Isn't After Earth Lovely" to "Another Men in Black," the classics just got Sisqó'ed.

The Big Show, For No Reason, Will Suddenly Start Scowling At Everybody Across the Street Like every massive hit of 2000, "Thong Song" was later remixed with an added rap verse. The pairing with Foxy Brown -- the MC who had just come off a No. 1 album with Chyna Doll and a hit single in "Hot Spot" -- feels like a perfect fit. Not quite as perfect of a fit is the music video's cameo from WWE superstar the Big Show.

In perhaps the most puzzling rap video cameo at a time known for puzzling rap video cameos, the Big Show was there either because of how hot the then-WWF was at the time, or because if the Big Show wants to be in your music video, you put the Big Show in your music video. If the Big Show decides he wants to move to Maple Grove and start staring you down across the street, are you going to tell him no?

Everyone's Wearing One Sock and Watching Movies in Full Screen Now that we have a Sisqó presence around the clock, the best way to prepare is giving a watch to the 2000 home video release 24 Hours With Sisqó. We get a look into Sisqó's life from the turn of the century, from his cell phone to his fashion choices. Undoubtably, this will best explain local behavioral changes. Soon, residents will be wearing only one sock in order to stay grounded while doing that Sisqó kick, as well as no longer watching movies in widescreen as the "cinema bars" are clearly getting in the way of the full picture.


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