This afternoon, in the slew of PR emails, we received one rather out-of-season gem: the Warner Bros. Records Truly Fabulous Suggestions for Upcoming Holiday Gift Guides. Sure, I guess reporters might begin compiling holiday gift guides soon, but it's still August! But with this list, not only can you start coveting the $30 "Silver Trembling Fetus Ornament" from The Flaming Lips, but you can do so while wearing a Devo jumpsuit!
Anyway, to save you the time, we've compiled our list of the least essential gifts from Warner Bros. Records this season. Or maybe the most essential, depends on how you look at it.[jump]
5. Gucci Mane Ice Cream Tattoo/Bandana Pack, $20 Very clever, Warner Bros, I see what you're doing there. Gucci got a stupid tattoo on his cheek, and now you can have a temporary one that reminds you for a little while to "stay chill." The bandana's just the icing on the cake here. But $20?! For one (1) temporary tattoo and a bandana? Is the bandana made of silk or something? Nope, just cotton.
4. Mastodon Tusk Beer Stein, $65 Good assumption, that Mastodon's fans also probably love drinking beer, and especially out of steins shaped like the tusk of a wooly mammoth. But it seems like you'd have to really love Mastodon to drop 65 bones on a porcelain stein with their name on it. Plus, as a practical matter, how are you going to wash that thing? I bet the bottom of that tusk gets moldy after a few Buds.
3. The Black Keys Dress-Up Kit, $20 This is infinitely worse than the Gucci Mane tat. For $20, you literally get a fake beard that is "vaguely suggestive of Dan's real one" and some glasses "kinda like Pat's." But compared to a lot of the other groups on this list, The Black Keys are a relatively straightforward rock 'n' roll group. I guess it must have been hard for those PR people to come up with something kooky to shill for Dan and Pat.
2. The Danny Elfman and Tim Burton 25th Anniversary Music Box, $499.99 Sure, Danny Elfman composes some pretty cool music, and sure, Tim Burton has made some awesome movies. But do you really need a $500 box set of the music (just the music) from all of Burton's films that Elfman worked on? Is anyone really that into this sort of thing that they have $500 to drop on a box set of film music?
1. Michael Bublé Naughty Hotshorts, $19.99 This is where things really get good. As the press release helpfully points out, you can "look cute for Santa with these green 100% cotton hotshorts" featuring the Bub's logo on the butt. Pair these puppies with the Love Lips Spa Robe and Slippers ($75), and you've got one sexy Christmas Eve lined up for yourself. You could even listen to his "Christmas" CD which will be available soon, to get yourself in the mood for Santa. Wait...what are you suggesting here, Warner Bros. press release??
And the most essential item? Definitely a tie between The Flaming Lips Gummy Song Fetus ($150) and the Silver Trembling Fetus Ornament, for the name alone.