44 Smashing Pumpkins-related things we'd rather do than audition to be a Smashing Pumpkin

If you're a gothed-out sado-masochist who knows your way a bass or keyboard, chances are that you're planning to audition to be a new member of Smashing Pumpkins. Not me. It's become especially clear over the last couple years that while he's a creative force to be reckoned with, sole Pumpkins mainstay and Jessica Simpson/Tila Tequila part-time-lover Billy Corgan isn't exactly the most pleasant or stable person you'd wanna spend weeks cooped up in a tour bus with. So, I took the liberty of drafting a list of twelve things I'd rather do. Pumpkins related, of course.

You may have noticed the "we" in the headline; it's there because you, dear reader, are going to help me run this list the rest of the way up to 44 in the comments section because you care. (Who ever claimed that the life of a blog fruitfly was a charmed one?) Why 44 items, you ask? It's in honor of new Pumpkins free download-by-free download album Teargarden By Kaleidyscope, which is actually pretty solid thus far.

1. Re-watching the awkward, painfully staged


scenes where Billy, D'Arcy, James, and Jimmy work with a therapist to sort out ludicrously contrived interpersonal conflicts. Some Kind of Monster, it ain't, and as we all know now, those fissures ran even deeper than anybody might've suspected at the time.

2. Exhuming and donning old Smashing Pumpkins tees with designs like this one:

(Side note: for reasons I don't pretend to understand, photographs of the classic "This is a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt" rant tee -- the one where there's some bullshit about being part of a revolution and "spending your hard-earned lettuce" to buy in is nowhere to be found on the Internet. Anywhere! Seriously.)

3. Suffering through Friends and Enemies of Modern Music in its corpse-dragging, double-disc entirety for the first time in a good half-decade. Oh, you though Machina was bleak, dreary, and without charm? Try this puppy on for size. (Though I'll cop to loving "Here's to the Atom Bomb" and a couple other arguable keepers.)

4. Whooshing willy-nilly through circa-1995 c-side montage "Pistachio Medley" and wishing I had all the source material at my fingertips, for the thousandth time.

5. Getting my gray matter wrapped in sailor knots at the idea of D'Arcy quitting the Pumpkins to smoke crack in Hollywood with Mickey Rourke and allowing his plastic surgeon to run roughshod over her already flawless Formica face.

6. Revisiting that one Jimmy Chamberlin Complex album. (No, really; it's good.)

7. Finally ironing that Smashing Pumpkins iron-on patch or decal or whatever onto my high school backpack.

8. Marveling at how gawky yet true the lyric "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage" remains today.

9. Forcing myself to download all the free live Pumpkins and Zwan dross out on

10. Blowing gas money I don't even have on this Corgan-circa-1996 "super-hero costume," as he explained it to SPIN at the time:

11. Reading passages from Blinking With Fists in a loud voice in a fenced yard full of bloodthirsty prison toughs armed with Teflon-coated The Aeroplane Flies High box sets.

12. Gulping down a palmful of downers with a glass of fake blood, then absconding to a maesoleum to spend a dreary weekend perusing a book of Yelena Yemchuk photograhs.

OK, now your turn. Go. Or leave us to do these twelve 3.67 more times.

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