18.2 reasons why Blink-182 is the greatest band of all time
Photo by Jeff Bender
Blink-182 might release their seventh album this year. Please try to contain your excitement. I'll be the first to admit that Blink-182's last album was a steaming pile of overproduced shit, but I love the dudes. In fact, they're the best band in history.
They provided the soundtrack to millions of us during our dorky, pajama pants-wearing preteen years. They were comforting when relationships fell through due to my inappropriate sense of humor. You may be enraged by what follows, but hear me out. Here are 18.2 reasons why Blink-182 is the greatest band of all time.
I honestly tried to like Imagine Dragons
1. I am a '90s child
2. I don't consider myself a music critic
3. I still laugh at poop jokes
18. Because they wore baggy Dickies and pulled their tube socks high
Absolutepunk.net user Derrenk182 recently wrote: "how does blink 182 get there dickie shorts so baggy do they get bigger waste sizes or what. cuz one u buy normal dickie shorts there not even that baggy?" Good question, Derrenk! You probably need bigger pants. Take a hint from Mark Hoppus -- there's enough room in his Dickies for the two of us to climb inside and stay forever.
17. Because Travis Barker is actually a pretty good drummer
I admittedly know very little about drumming, but Barker sounds good and people say he's good, so he's probably good. That's how these things work, right? Barker gets additional cool points on my still-existing preteen rating system for his mohawk, scalp tattoos, and collaborations with RZA, Raekwon, and Yelawolf. He loses a few for Meet the Barkers.
I gave myself this tattoo at 19-years-old.
15. Because they inspire really stupid tattoos
16. Because nudity
The nudity in "What's My Age Again" is cool and everything, but nothing beats the Travis Barker pics that surfaced on MediaTakeOut in 2012. Barker sent a cease and desist letter to the site, claiming that the pictures were over five years old and weren't meant to be seen by the public. Too late. Though the pictures were removed from the website, you can still find them with a quick Google search. "All the Small Things" jokes do not apply.
14. Because they still make poop/fart/dick jokes
When sorting through friendship applications, I'm primarily looking for one qualification: If I make a poop joke, you must laugh. If you don't, our friendship will go nowhere. We'll sit in awkward silence after my first diarrhea joke of the day, like two friends after breaking their "We probably shouldn't sleep together" promise. Whenever I lose a friendship over my incessant need to make inappropriate comments about bodily functions, I haul up in my man cave blasting The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show (Blink's live album) on repeat and allow the belches, farts, and dick jokes to overtake me.
13. Because sometimes they sometimes involve their grandparents in said poop/fart/dick jokes
Youngins, avert your eyes. These are the lyrics to "Grandpa Song:" "When you fucked grandpa did he tell you that he loved you? Did he hold you till the sun did rise, and did he look into your eyes and ask you to felate him and stick a finger or two in his ass?"
12. Because they influenced Grimes
People like Grimes, right? During an episode of Amoeba Music's "What's in my bag?" the electro queen gravitated towards a Blink-182 live DVD and proclaimed, "I feel like Blink-182, like Justin Bieber, has a very bad reputation. While they do have a lot of terrible music and their image has gone totally down the drain, Travis Barker was my first love and I feel like... it was like my introduction into punk."
11. Because they admittedly wrote two of their top-selling hits in ten minutes
When Blink-182 unveiled Take Off Your Pants and Jacket to their manager, he turned to them and said, "'I think it's really cool, but I don't hear that thing. That Blink-182 good-time, summer-anthem thing," according to Mark Hoppus. In response, Hoppus drove home, sat down on the floor for ten minutes, and wrote the "cheesiest, catchiest, throwaway fucking summertime single you've ever heard!" (aka "The Rock Show") That same night, Delonge wrote "First Date" in a similar fashion. The songs became the album's first singles.
10. Because they teach youngins words like enema, urethra, and dicklips.
The first two albums I ever bought with my own money were Enema of the State and The Simpsons soundtrack. I was 10. I didn't know what an enema was. Frankly, I didn't care. All I knew was that a sexy nurse with a sexy glove and a big Parental Advisory warning were gazing at me from the album cover. It took another five years to figure out why the sexy nurse had her fingers in suggestively erect positions, but Enema coupled with Jackass reruns got me there eventually.
9. Because Tom DeLonge legitimately believes in aliens
"Aliens Exist" was no joke, you guys. Tom DeLonge collects books about UFOs, writes songs about aliens, talks about them extensively interviews, and may have been abducted by some himself. In this video, Delonge speculates on what it would be like if aliens came to earth. For further profundity, check out this in-depth Cracked.com report about why Delonge was clearly abducted by aliens.
8. Because their band name doesn't mean anything and sometimes their music doesn't mean anything and everything is meaningless.
Blink-182 was called Blink until an Irish electronica band with the same name threatened them with a lawsuit and they were forced to come up with something different. They chose 182 on a whim. It means nothing. Since then, they've come up with a number of fake meanings for 182, including the number of times Al Pacino says "fuck" in Scarface, the number of the ship Hoppus' grandfather was on in WWII, and Hoppus' ideal weight. Why must you attach meaning to everything, maaaan?
7. Because they're self-deprecating
The boys of Blink don't just admit to their mistakes -- they write songs about them and play them in front of thousands of people, effectively humanizing themselves despite their mega-stardom. "If we tried to write about politics, you'd realize that we're all a bunch of idiots," Tom DeLonge told MTV in 1998. "So we write about relationships, and just growing up through high school, that kind of stuff. That's what we relate to, because even though we're in our early twenties, we're really immature." See "Pathetic" for further proof.
6. Because "Adam's Song" made it okay to talk about suicide
Enema of the State is all fun and dick jokes until "Adam's Song" hits. Suddenly, the car grows silent. A passenger in the back seat groans. "Change the song, dude." I will not change the damn song. Everyone needs an occasional reminder of the detrimental effect spilling apple juice in the hall can have on a teenager's well-being. Listen and weep.
5. Because no one is immune to the powers of "What's My Age Again"
Case in point: last week, I performed a social experiment in Dinkytown that involved blasting "What's My Age Again" at full volume and doing some minor, encouraging headbanging. Some bystanders nodded, others flashed half-assed metal hands, some headbanged back, and one man did a dance so dirty that it probably shouldn't be put into words. Everyone knows what it's like to be a moron at 23. Chug some Red Bull, stick some fireworks in your buttcrack, and allow Blink-182 to assist in embracing your idiocy.
4. Because they kicked their first drummer out of the band for alcoholism which means, zomg, they have morals
Scott Raynor played drums for Blink-182 from their inception in 1992 until 1998, when his alcoholism spiraled out of control. According to Hoppus, Raynor broke both heels after performing a drunken stunt in 1996 and recorded the drum tracks for Dude Ranch while on crutches. In 1998, Raynor bailed on a West Coast mini tour and the band replaced him with none other than Travis Barker, drummer of ska band the Aquabats. In 2000, Blink-182 released "Man Overboard." With lyrics like, "You're out of line and rarely sober," and "Man on a mission, can't say I miss him around/Insider information, hand in your resignation," it's widely regarded as a song about Raynor's alcoholism. Here's a video of Raynor repeatedly running his fingers through his gelled hair.
3. Because they write honestly about being idiots in relationships
In "First Date" (see "Because they wrote two of their top-selling hits in ten minutes"), Tom DeLonge runs through the list of questions we secretly berate ourselves with on first dates. "Is it cool if I hold your hand? Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance? Do you like my stupid hair? Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?" If you can't relate to this, you're either Ryan Gosling or a sociopath. Either way, I'm done talking to you.
In their early days, the Blink boys churned out songs about failed romantic endeavors like Lil Wayne churns out feces-related metaphors. Need a place to start? Here's a short list: "Pathetic," "Voyeur," "Don't Leave Me," "Apple Shampoo," "Josie," "Please Take Me Home," "Every Time I Look For You," "Short Story of a Lonely Guy," and "The Party Song." I could go on, but I have a feeling you're already fighting the urge to curb stomp me.
2. Because Travis Barker survived a goddamn plane crash
In 2008, Travis Barker boarded a plane in South Carolina. The plane never left the ground. Instead, it skidded down the runway, crashed through a fence, crossed a roadway, and smashed into an embankment. The pilots, Barker's assistant, and Barker's security guard died in the crash. Barker and DJ AM, who both sustained serious burn injuries, were the only survivors. The crash inspired the band to reconcile and reform after a three year hiatus. Less than a year after the crash, Barker was playing drums mid-air during the band's summer 2009 tour.
1. Because their masturbation pun hit number one on the Billboard Charts
It took a solid ten years for me to realize that Take Off Your Pants and Jacket wasn't about stripping your outer layers to get ready for bed. The album reached the top of the Billboard Charts on June 30, 2001 and remained there for one week, making it not only one of the dirtiest album titles on the charts, but also the first "punk rock" album to ever debut at number one. Bonus fact: each band member was assigned one of the icons on the album cover. Travis Barker's was an airplane.
.2. Because no one can argue with Dude Ranch
It speaks for itself.
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