15 things we'd rather do with our Carter IV money than buy Tha Carter IV


Lil Wayne fell off a while ago. There's no point in belaboring that, as plenty of former Weezy hagiographers have done over the past couple days in the run up to the release of Tha Carter IV (Young Money/Cash Money/Universal) -- a long-awaited event-rap album that a lot of folks are excited about because a) they feel that they're supposed to feel excited about it; b) media prognosticators insist that it's a key 2011 tent-pole music business release, and what's good for the industry is good for everybody; and c) 2008's similarly anticipated-for-eons Tha Carter III was kinda almost as great as everyone expected it to be, back then, way back when, pre-prison stint, pre-purp cold-turkey, pre-"Prom Queen."

[jump] Gimme Noise feels conflicted about all this hub-bub. Gimme Noise feels an odd and rare compulsion to buy Carter IV in order to participate in the larger, ongoing pop-music conversation. Which isn't a good reason to buy something when you don't have a lot of money and you hate the singles. I've heard most of them at this point, and only "Six Foot Seven Foot" made much of an impression -- mostly because Cory Gunz came out with Desert Eagles blazing on the tail end.

What follows is a list of things I'm more inclined to spend money on than another shitty post-Da Drought 3 Weezy abortion. Use whatever energy you were planning to put into hating this post to convince me and everyone else who's on the fence that Tha Carter IV represents something greater than the latest in a series of depressingly diminishing returns.

Note: Nope, no plans to spend my Carter IV cash on Watch The Throne.

Note: This was written in advance of Sunday's VMAs, which I'm not planning to watch.


1. The complete library of Jimmy Carter, the much-maligned 39th president of the United States of America.

  1. A signed circa-2002 8x10 glossy of ER star Noah Wyle, known on the program as "Dr. John Carter."

  2. A collection of Carter Oosterhouse-endorsed haircare products, even though I don't really have any hair to style and Carter Oosterhouse has yet actually to lend his name and visage to a haircare line as far as I know, though he totally should, because he's got that kind of telegenic magnetism.

  3. Hot meals and quarts of water for homeless/near-homeless people on median strips. I don't know about where you live, but a lot of folks here in Round Rock/Austin are going through tough times, and need all the help they can get.

    5. Sunshine. I've wanted to watch this movie for a while now, not so much for the horror/scary aspects but for the stoic-scientists-sacrificing-themselves-to-save-the-world-angle and the incongruously prosaic mood the director achieves, according to a bunch of reviews. Also pretty great, if totally unrelated: Alice In Chains' vaguely funky "Sunshine."

6. A Buddha Machine, or maybe the Throbbing Gristle equivalent, for those times I want to pretend I'm comatose in the bowels of Multivac.

  1. Invest In gold. No, not gold fronts - gold futures.  The way things are going, I'll double my money in a fortnight.

  2. Danny Brown, The Hybrid. Forget MC Paul Barman. Forget Eminem. Forget Odd Future. Welcome to the new, viscera-streaked face of gore-rap. Seriously, have you even heard this guy? Listen to this, and this too, and then look me in the eye and tell me that you really prefer Wayne's listless post-2009 material to Brown's bug-eyed, hell-bent-for-leather stimulant-fueled shock-rap.

  1. A case or three of Mello Yello, which is crazy delicious and only appears in grocery stores and vending machines sporadically. And it's back! For now.

10. Perpetually Back-Listed Albums By Talented Cash Money/Young Money Soldiers. Look, everyone knows that Weezy, Drake, and Nicki Minaj the YMCMB crown jewels right now, but keeping the second-stringers benched forever, and ever, and ever isn't really good for anyone; it makes the label look indecisive, heartless, and skittish.

11. Tylenol PM. Because good sleep is harder and harder to come by.

  1. Dunkin Donuts coffee. Awesome, a staggeringly impressive 90 percent of the time.

    13. Lou Reed and Metallica, Lulu. Is it too early to start a blog dedicated to photos of people waiting in line to buy this on the day of release, or maybe just photos of people holding their LP editions high?

14. Coldplay, Mylo Xyloto. Yup, seriously, and I'm fully aware that the act of admitting this in public, on the Internet, is tantamount to surrendering all claim to hip and cred. But it's true, and I don't really care what anyone thinks.

15. A Rick Ross robe/kimono. I'm kind of making this up, but, you know, a silk or rayon kimono that's a repeating pattern of Rick Ross's bearded, sunglass-ed mug, over and over again. I would rather buy and wear that thing to the local McDonald's (but not to a Rick Ross show, I don't wanna die) than shell out cash for a new Lil Wayne album - unless, of course, you can come up with a few compelling reasons why I should.

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