The Door Guy is a veteran of countless clubs around town. People say they've seen it all, but he's seen more. Write to him for everything from live advice to life advice.
Dear Door Guy:
I bet you totally HATE the pedal pub, right? I mean, I've read your columns and I can't wait to read what you have to say about a bunch of drunks on a gigantic mobile bicycle-bar now that they're rolling on the streets again.
Signed, Diss the Pedal Pub
I'm sorry, DTPP, was there a question? I mean, no offense, I appreciate you taking the time to write and all. It's great that you, as one of my six avid fans, has really dug in and grabbed a hold of the meta-subtext that I try to incorporate into all my columns. You are wondering nothing, but just want me to spew about why Pedal Pubs suck.
But you know something? I'm not playing into your game. You want a column about the Pedal Pub? Here's The Door Guy's top 10 reasons why I TOTALLY FRICKIN' LOVE THE PEDAL PUB.
10. Pedal Pubs Provide Exercise for Busy People
Exercise is very important to mental health, and in today's world people simply don't have the time. Ergo, we must multi-task. Have you ever been in the skyway in downtown and witnessed people in business formal power-walking in sneakers? Do you think they know, or care, how ridiculous they look? Hell no, my friend, they are owning life. Pedal Pubs give those same people the opportunity to get their healthy sweat on while engaging in the divinely relaxing pursuit of the conspicuous consumption of alcohol.
9. Pedal Pubs = Good Weather
Spring is in the air and it's the season of outdoor drinking, and we should all be outside celebrating because we only have a couple months before the weather gets totally stupid again. We sprawl across bar patios, back yards, front stoops, and secret hideouts under railroad bridges trying to cram every last second of fresh air, vitamin D, and sweet sweet booze we possibly can. With that in mind, a bunch of friends piling on an awkward contraption that allows for all three of those things is a perfect summation of the relief we all collectively feel after a long frustrating winter. Are you a winter-lover, DTPP? ARE YOU?
8. Pedal Pubs Promote Diversity
Pedal pubs encourage us all to embrace diversity and embrace the wealth of collective knowledge. By bringing people to bars they normally would never be caught dead in, we turn your standard stuck-in-a-rut bar full of regulars into a positively exciting melting pot, where new ideas and attitudes collide with old for 10 or 15 beautiful minutes until it's time to hit the road to the next stop. Don't sell those moments short. Like butterflies somewhere in Asia, they cause ripples that create hurricanes of new understanding elsewhere. Think big, DTPP. The rifts created by the pedal pub might just cure cancer halfway across the world.
7. Pedal Pubs Aren't Too Cool
In this era of utterly tedious post-ironic self-consciousness -- what everybody grossly calls "hipster" except that's a word that has essentially carried no meaning for longer than my hazy memory serves -- the pedal pub is a rare, beautiful item that carries with it not a single ounce of commodified insincerity. How could it? You step on it. You sit down surrounded by friends, co-workers, and/or minor acquaintances. You put your feet on the pedals. You drink. You occasionally yell "Woo!" Nobody cries because they left their ridiculous neon pink sunglasses hooked in the neck of their other vaguely grimy white v-neck T-shirt.
6. Pedal Pubs Are for Everyone (Who Has $40,000 to Spare)
According to this link, you can actually buy a pedal pub from Hammacher Schlemmer for $40,000. $40K! If it's good enough for the weird company that sells ridiculous stuff in the SkyMall magazines that you can't help but flip through on Delta flights, it's good enough for me.
5. Pedal Pubs Are Wholesome
A tour on the Pedal Pub patriotically encourages wholesome behavior by prohibiting hard liquor and offensive music as you ride, therefore keeping you to radio-friendly pop music and beer, what all Real Americans love.
4. Pedal Pubs Are Safer Than Getting Behind the Wheel
When you aren't getting completely drenched in a rainstorm or tipping over taking a curve [link], pedal pubs are far safer and more comfortable than trying to drive to the next bar before that last jagerbomb hits or six people going lapsies in the back of a cab.
3. Pedal Pubs Promote Good Manners
The Pedal Pub website very kindly posts rules of etiquette at the very bottom of their FAQ page because everyone who's about to kegger their guts out on a gigantic multi-person bicycle takes the time to read through a website to be reminded that yes, they probably should tip their server at least 15 percent.
2. Pedal Pubs Accept Sober Riders
They even have an option for a non-alcohol Pedal Pub experience.
1. Pedal Pubs Create New Bonds
Don't have 10 to 15 friends to recruit for a Pedal Pub voyage? Don't have any friends at all? Don't fret. Pedal Pub offers mixers for adventurous passengers seeking pals outside their social circle. It's cheaper than a cruise, and what a great story to tell your future kids if you find true love!
Wait, back up, you can't do shots on a Pedal Pub? WTF? And a sober Pedal Pub? Why not just ride a bike?
You know what, screw it, DTPP. Sure, the Pedal Pub is, or at least can be, as utterly ridiculous as many things I've ranted about in this column. There are tales of obnoxious behavior and lousy tips, and sure, sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares of hordes of people plastered in zombie makeup wearing gigantic green shamrock hats careening drunkenly off their pedal pub stools to collapse in a heap at my door. There's even entire Facebook pages dedicated to hating on these things.
But you know what? In all the things I've seen and done, all the crap I've put up with over the years at my various jobs, stuff like this doesn't even make my Top 50 list of things that put me out. So, DTPP, if you're looking to Diss the Pedal Pub because you think you're funny, hit the Facebook pages. Me, I might just have to pinch the pennies until I can get me one of these.
Got a question for The Door Guy? E-mail [email protected]
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