Yesterday afternoon, our fair not-anarchic Twin Cities were blessed with a visit from a being unfamiliar with the ways of Earth, reality in the year 2020, and the visage of a metro area that birthed a global movement.
The images are stunning. If there’s anything inside that carapace, her experience surely was, too.
Looking superimposed onto her duties, the spawn, advisor, and financial beneficiary of our president surveyed what may as well have been the moon – meeting with local business owner Flora Westbrooks before turning heel to hold court with the cops who started the chain of Westbrooks’s loss.
Photos captured the political marionette donning a getup perfectly tailored to fit the era of prosperity we hope will greet the rest of us on the other side of the bullshit she and her family presently stand for. The internet has proved USELESS in locating the designer of her trench, matching set, and nude pumps, but pressed to describe the ensemble, City Pages will henceforth refer to her as “Lady Snoke.”
This intergalactic theme would continue, as we joined on what was clearly Snokess's first visit to Fleet Farm.
When in the Midwest! �� pic.twitter.com/CgByMGRRrF— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) September 25, 2020
The photo proving that she went inside the everyman’s depot (specifically: located in Winona, Minnesota) puts her in a near-bare aisle choke-thrusting aloft late-2019’s biggest star: Baby Yoda. Her other appendage clutches enough Red Vines to actually make someone happy. (Who?)
Given that neither selection involved chopper mittens or any Carhartt gear… we know one of those “coastal elite” staffers just stuck some jovial shit in her hands, called it good, and continued the tour of places and people she'll forget.
The best we can hope is that Lady Snoke paid for her Midwest Fleet Farm drive-by photo op experience. And the worst outcome of that best case scenario involves Baby Yoda hanging out with Ivanka until the end of time, like a goddamn tiny traitor.
We hate it.