“I got this thing called Bell’s palsy, and it proves there’s a God, because it paralyzes half your face,” comedian Eddie Ifft tells an audience. “He’s got a really dark sense of humor if he paralyzes your whole face, but he does half and you’re like, ‘What the fuck?’” He went to the hospital thinking he was having a stroke. The doctors explained to his wife that he had Bell’s palsy. When asked why half his face was drooping, they explained to her that half of his face was frozen, and the part she thought was drooping was normal. “So she asked them, ‘Can you make the frozen half the normal half? Because that looks good.’” It turns out Bell’s palsy is caused by a herpes virus. “My wife,” Ifft continues, “yells in the middle of the hospital, ‘You gave me fucking herpes?’” But it’s not the so-called bad herpes; it’s the one related to the chicken pox. Going to sleep that night, and having to tape his one eye shut, Ifft thought to himself, “I think I’d rather have the bad herpes.” 16+.