He's Out

We were greatly moved by the rousing reader response to our Carl's Last At-Bat Contest, in which the point was to pick an epitaph for Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad. Not quite moved to the point of weeping à la Sid Hartman, but moved all the same. (In case you missed it, see the sidebar that ran with Brad Zellar's cover story, "Twin Killing," in our November 28 issue.)

Trying to pick a winner from the considerable stack of entries was tougher than we'd anticipated, but we said we would, so we did. (At one point our panel of judges suggested that, in honor of Major League Baseball's contraction plans, we choose two winners, but that plan was ultimately, um, contracted.)

Without further ado, then, here are the Top 10 contest entries:


  1. I bought the farm
    But I am thinking of selling it

    Scott Mahlmann, Minneapolis


  2. A $250 million po'lad

    Bruce Pomerantz, Fridley


  3. Carl Pohlad, kind man we once knew
    Bought a winner for ball fans to view
    But before he departed
    He was not so kindhearted
    And had money coming out his wazoo!

    Joe Ehrlich, Arden Hills


  4. Think of me when the ump yells, "Play Ball!"
    You can take it with you after all

    Brad Failor, Seattle, Washington


  5. Shout a hip-hooray--
    It's another win for the Twins today!

    Scott Mahlmann, Minneapolis


  6. In memory of the man who gave us Kirby Puckett
    Who took a treasured team and did his best to fuck it

    Jerry Stueber, St. Paul


  7. If you piss on this grave,
    I'll move the cemetery to North Carolina

    Ed Grace, Minneapolis


  8. You built it,
    I'm dead

    Jill Harmon, Minneapolis


  9. He never passed a buck

    John Farrell, Waverly


    And the winner is...


  10. Trying to catch one last ball...
    Carl landed in the dirt

    The winning entrant, Lisa Conway of Minneapolis, will receive a pair of tickets to a Twins home game next year--if there are any Twins home games next year. If not, we'll send her out to see the Saints.

    Thanks to all who participated in the contest--as usual, though our expectations were high, you exceeded them.

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