Why Mitt Romney will be John McCain's Running Mate

“Money talks,” goes the cliché, and let’s be clear: Willard Mitt Romney has a lot of money. So much, in fact, that the oil-slicked Mormon boasted a greater net worth than all other presidential candidates combined during his doomed lunge toward the White House.

But there’s one thing that speaks louder than cash: Guns. And Romney has no shortage of those either, in a manner of speaking. Two words: Blackwater USA Worldwide.

You remember Blackwater, right? The infamous mercenary army currently doing “our” bidding in Iraq, the one that shot and killed 17 Iraqi civilians back in September, the one that was awarded the better chunk of a $15 billion contract to fight the War on Drugs, the one that’s unaccountable to the voting electorate, the one that will presumably foment martial law in what will go down as the grandest October Surprise of all time, the one that attempted to slip into the executive branch by playing a once-moderate Massachusetts governor like a sock puppet-- you might recall that Cofer Black, vice-chairman of Blackwater, acted as Romney’s puppeteer head of counterterrorism policy advisory group.

Of course, the polite interpretation of the Romney-Blackwater connection is that the Romney campaign tapped an unsavory character in the honest pursuit of counterterrorism expertise. The more incredible (and dare I say accurate) conclusion is that Blackwater was/is hell bent on setting up shop in the executive and so tapped the most malleable, presidential-looking everyman as a vehicle to that end. Only they bet on the wrong horse. Damn that Mike Huckabee and his come-from-behind victory in Iowa!

This all came rushing back after I came across a story posted earlier today at Politico (“Romney tops McCain veep list”). The first sentence says it all: “In a surprise to many Republican insiders, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney is at the top of the vice presidential prospect list for John McCain.”

Surprising, perhaps, given his and McCain’s catty regard for one another during the debates and on the trail. They acted like bitchy tenth-graders vying for the affection of the school quarterback. On more than one occasion, you got the impression McCain would have gladly ripped Romney’s thyroid gland out of his throat and gulped it down in front of Romney’s five Jesus-humping sons— if only McCain were a half-century younger and Romney’s neck wasn’t made of wire-fortified Teflon.

So why would McCain even consider Romney as a running mate? McCain’s people explained to Politico that part of Romney’s appeal is that “he is squeaky-clean and fully vetted by the national media.” (Disregarding the whole Blackwater thing, which the national press have seemingly gone out of their way to ignore.)

Is it paranoid to suggest that Romney’s top-of-the-veep-heap status is due to his special relationship with Blackwater? That there might be a not-so-proverbial gun to McCain’s head?

Probably. At this naive point in American history, to suggest that a mercenary army might throw around its weight behind closed doors in an attempt to strong-arm its candidate into the White House is to demand instant incarceration in an insane asylum. Anyone who does so will be brushed aside as a loony conspiracy theorist, a terrorist sympathizer, or Charlie Sheen.

Well, color me Sheen. Should a McCain-Romney ticket prove victorious in November, you can fuck your alleged democracy goodbye.

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