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Vikings' Quarterbacks: the American Ranking

This year, the Vikings must choose, yet again, who will lead them into battle. Arm strength and durability are important issues. But this being an election year, we go ahead and place the QBs through a combine to find their American ranking. The test is a highly subjective form of judgment with little to no foundation in logic. So think of it like an album review on pitchfork.

Here we go:

Tarvaris Jackson Expected Starter American ranking: 7.7

Tarvaris Jackson. The projected starter has a rare first name. No results come back when you enter it into a baby names search engine. Thus, the name most likely originated in America. That alone gives him a full extra point. But it also hurts him in the long run. NFL coaches are comfortable with QB names they can pronounce. That’s why guys like Steve, Frank and even Peyton make great NFL quarterbacks. Moreover, their names max out at two-syllables, allowing coaches to get their attention quick. Tar-var-is? That’s not going to help you fight the clock. He better get a nickname, quick… like T-Jack.

Gus Frerotte Second String American ranking: 9.3

The right-handed journeyman quarterback comes back to the Vikings for another season of backup patrol. We couldn’t be more excited. Having Gus on your team is like drafting Kevin Costner for a film. You know exactly what you’re going to get: a down home dude who pulls off a miracle now and again. Watching him throw a ball is like putting a warm spoonful of barbequed beans in your mouth at a summer picnic. Everything about it is satisfying. And even his last name is something America can look past, as it gives a nice image of freedom driving down the highway in a Chevy Corvair.

Brooks Bollinger Third String American ranking: 4.6

We loved the South Dakota native when he lived in South Dakota. But then he went to school in Wisconsin, skipping over a very important place along the way. Cheering for Bollinger is like man-hugging your girlfriend’s ex-beau. Yes, you agreed to meet-up with him while he was in town for a business trip. But you also not-so secretly wish he chokes to death on that olive martini he ordered to show-up your more American choice: Grain Belt. Childress needs to cut this guy.

John David Booty Currently: Third String American Ranking: unavailable

You can’t spell suck, without U-S-C! So goes the PAC-10 chant. Folks not from the area might have a hard time understanding the left coast hate for Will Ferrell’s alma mater. To give an idea, picture a campus with Norm Green as the dean. Sure, J.D.B. went to this school and led it to Rose bowl glory. But the important thing to remember is that he went to USC. We were about to give him a negative score until a week before draft day, when he made a public pitch saying he wanted to get drafted by the Vikings. The Louisiana boy done good with that statement. It raised his ranking out of the gutter, and we all know what late round QBs from the south can turn into… If he blossoms into a star, his American ranking is a full 10.0. If he tanks, a 3.0 ranking should do the trick, as OJ went to USC…

So. Our depth chart based upon their American ranking is as follows:

1. Gus 2. T-Jack 3. J.D.B. 4. That guy who played for Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if the Vikings do the unthinkable and trade for Favre… Farve wins. For Brett Favre is America. Deep down we all know this as truth. Wrangler sponsors him.

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