Things I learned at the Twins Game

1. Never talk smack to Jack Cust. While the pudgy Athletics’ outfielder is an easy target, he responds to hecklers by jacking line drives. So if there is ever the urge to yell, “Hey Cust! You got man boobs! Maaaaan boooooooooobs!” try your best to stay quiet.

2. Twins fans can really sing. They turn the seventh-inning stretch into a vocal performance worthy of the Vienna Boys Choir. One could even hear harmonies at the end. This doesn’t happen in other baseball parks like Pittsburgh and Cleveland, where the fans are so drunk they slur the majority of the song.

3. Twins fans don’t pick fights with the opposing fans. Last night, people wore the green and yellow gear of the Athletics and looked comfortable. They walked around without getting an "F-You! Moneyballers!" from a single hometown fan. It was mildly disappointing to watch MN Nice close up. And later, there wasn’t a single curse word lobbed at the umpires, even when Mauer tossed out a runner trying to steal second and the umpire botched the call. Twins fans only let loose with some boooos. It made me long for the death threats spewed at Jacobs Field (errrr, Progressive…).

4. What the hell are they going to call the Dome Dog when the new stadium is up and running? How about the “Warehouse Weenie?” Just throwing it out there…

5. Watching baseball inside is like going to a Hold Steady concert sober.

5a. Also… where are the true Puckett fans? There wasn’t a single guy making like The Great 34 and urinating in the parking lot.

6. By the end of the game, after a several beers and yelling my head off at Cust, a person next to me said, “You’d fit in better at a Saints game.”

6a. Well put.

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