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Liveblogging RNC day 3: The pitbull with lipstick is ready for her close-up

By Ben Westhoff, Photos by Nick Vlcek

As I prepare to live blog tonight, the Republican convention is electrified in anticipation of Sarah Palin’s speech. What will she say? Will she talk about the thrills of making love on a snowmobile? Will she call for greater oversight at Alaskan condom factories? At the end of her speech, will she release the nets filled with balloons in the rafters with her AK-47? Who knows? But first, other people will have to talk.

8:27 pm The formerly obese governor of a small backwards state takes the stage. His best friend, a former fictional Texas ranger, lurks in the shadows, mumbling about the time he sued Burger King because they wouldn’t serve him a Whopper wrapped in barbed wire, which was “his way.”

8:41 Hawaii governor Linda Lingle takes the stage. She says “aloha” but never manages to say “Maui Wowie.”

8:55 Lingle talks about how the state of Alaska is a lot bigger than the state of Delaware. Fifteen heads in the audience explode.

9:01 Rudy Guliani goes on. He mocks Obama for working as a community organizer, adding: “He is the least experienced candidate running for president in at least the last 100 years.” Apparently his speechwriter is not familiar with the fact-checking powers of Google.

9:12 “No one can look at John McCain and say he’s not ready to be commander in chief,” Guliani says. He adds: “And no one can look at Bristol Palin without getting a funny feeling downstairs.”

9:17 Trying his hardest not to say, “9/11,” Guiliani uses phrases like “attacks of 2001,” “terrorist activities” and “all that crazy stuff that happened about six years and three hundred and fifty seven days ago.”

9:21 The crowd is psyched, but not super psyched. In desperation, Guliani considers stealing Palin’s thunder by talking about his favorite mooseburger recipes.

9:22 The backdrop behind Guliani, which previously showed an American flag and a glacier, shows the Mississippi River. Plans to show an oversized rat gnawing on a piece of New York City pizza were apparently scrapped.

9:27 “We’re the party that believes in giving workers the right to work,” he says, neglecting to mention Stalin and Pol Pot’s parties’ equal success in this regard.

Sarah Palin demonstrates the proper technique to execute "the Shocker"

9:29 Sarah Palin comes to the stage, looking saucy in glasses, glittery earrings, and a black skirt. Man I wish she had been my librarian when I was twelve.

9:31 She accepts the fucking nomination! This changes everything!

9:32 She calls him “John S. McCain.” The ‘S’ stands for “Skin cancer free.”

9:33 She uses the word “caliber” without referring to turkey hunting.

9:36 She gives a shout-out to her kids Bristol, Willow and Piper, Track, and baby Tryg. She talks about how nice it will be for her forthcoming grandchild to be potty-trained alongside its uncle.

9:40 Palin introduces her parents, who look barely older than she is. She then introduces her parents’ grandparents and her grandparents’ grandparents, the latter of whom are 82-year-old salmon fisherman.

9:42 “You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick,” Palin says, before applying a fresh coat of Max Factor shade 320 and lifting her leg to pee on the side of the stage.

9:46 “Here’s a little newsflash to the [media],” she goes on. “I’m not going to Washington to seek their good opinion. I’m going to Washington to serve the people of this great country.” I take this as a personal affront and cancel my Amazon.com Goodnight Moon order for her grandfetus.

9:50 Talks about taking on the oil lobby in Alaska, including her sponsoring of legislation that would have required oil tycoons to personally give lube jobs to every citizen of Anchorage.

9:53 Almost a half hour into her speech, Palin has yet to use the words “unplanned pregnancy” or “shotgun wedding,” although she does wink while uttering the phrase, “lay more pipelines.”

9:57 Speaks eloquently about manufacturing more energy, but is suspiciously silent on the issue of manufacturing more energy bars.

9:59 “Accidentally” walks above a grate on the stage, which blows up her skirt while she smiles coquettishly.

10:06 While talking about McCain’s Vietnamese incarceration she tears up. Then, while discussing the cancellation of that show based on those Geico caveman commercials, she starts bawling.

10:08 Palin signs off, but not before imploring the crowd to vote for “Nader/Gonzales. Oops! I mean McCain/Palin,” she corrects herself.

10:09 Her family comes on stage, whereupon Palin castigates her husband for forgetting to shave.

10:10 John McCain makes his “surprise” entrance. Rush Limbaugh suddenly remembers he has to poop.

10:11 McCain runs through a long list of his favorite Monty Python gags (complete with songs and funny accents) before being told that Michael Palin isn’t actually on the ticket.

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