Elephant Droppings

Forget global warming. The most palpable climate change that’s occurred in the past two years has been a shift in the political climate. As the 2006 midterms demonstrated in no uncertain terms, the ability of GOP strategists to rally the masses behind fear of homos, Mexican day laborers, and science has been severely compromised. Things are so dismal for the right that more Americans now believe 9/11 was an inside job than approve of Bush’s job performance— an unfolding utterly unthinkable on September 12, 2001.

Like cornered komodo dragons reeking of carrion and desperation, conservative stalwarts have resorted to unleashing some of the most brazenly idiotic and transparently insincere utterances in the history of asinine horseshit. Consequently, political discourse has devolved into a parody of itself. It’s reached the point where there’s no need to debunk these ramblings; their mere existence discredits their sources more thoroughly than any rebuttal ever could.

With that in mind, we’re proud to bring you the first installment of Elephant Droppings, a weekly (or perhaps bi-weekly) roundup of inane/insane/inflammatory remarks produced by straw-grabbing half-wits, professional bullshit-peddlers, and other such bipedal livestock.

(Disclaimer: You’ll probably at some point run across a quote and think to yourself, “Well, what’s so wrong with that?” You might even feel compelled to post a long-winded comment explaining why Ann Coulter is, like, sooooo right for calling John Edwards a faggot and, pffft, why can’t you P.C. thought police just, y’know, move to Russia or something? If you find yourself doing so, you are likely stupid, delusional, Sean Hannity, or some combination thereof.)

On with it:

“Media Matters, Huffington Post, DailyKos— these are fascists.” —Bill O’Reilly during a Tuesday interview with sentient scarecrow Laura Ingraham

“All these years, and I didn't know there was a woman quarterback in the NFL… [Brett Favre] gets up there and he does this press conference that was frankly one of the most embarrassing things I have ever seen… That's a great message for young boys: ‘Get up there and act like a girl and start blubbering like a baby.’ ” —the aforementioned scarecrow just two weeks earlier

“When Nancy Pelosi took office, oil was being sold at $52 barrel. You know what it was this week? $98 per barrel. That's what happened with these phenomenal spike ups in spending.”—Rep. Michele Bachmann a.k.a. The Gift That Keeps on Giving, who is sure to be a regular contributor to this segment

“America is in bad shape if the financial success of [Juno] reflects today's high school culture: sexual activity without marriage, crude pictures on the walls, vulgar language, a girl smoking a pipe, unattractive clothes, uncombed hair, enjoyment of slasher movies and weird music, and marriage breakup.” —alleged author Phyllis Schlafly in her March 19 review of Juno

“My Democrat opponents who want to pull out of Iraq refuse to understand what’s being said and what’s happening, and that is, the central battleground is Iraq in this struggle against radical Islamic extremism.” —John McCain mongering fear on the stump in California

We know we missed something; this list is much too short. Add your own in the spaces below.

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