1996

RADIO/ALTERNATIVE

KFAI

90.3 FM MPLS.

106.7 FM ST. PAUL

Don't expect objectivity here--after all, they do let us use their airwaves once a week. But look at the facts. In a radio culture where the term "alternative" has somehow come to mean a particular subset of white rock bands that you also get to see continually on MTV and read about in Rolling Stone, People, and Entertainment Weekly, what do you call a station that programs in Hmong and Ethiopian, and features hip-hop, jazz, blues, world music, and news/public affairs shows that speak in the voice of the community? Essential, that's what.

RADIO/CLASSICAL

KSJN

99.5 FM

Eerie programs like Pipe Dreams have once again redeemed KSJN as the premier local classical station. While the morning show can be painfully cutesy and safe (Tom Keith, a.k.a. Jim Ed Pool, manages to keep it somewhat bearable), the station has its share of strengths. Mindy Ratner lets the music speak for itself; another highlight, of course, is Peter Schickele, sometimes known as P.D.Q. Bach, with his outstanding and enlightening program analyzing music with oodles of playfulness and no pretension.

RADIO/NEWS PROGRAM

CBC'S AS IT HAPPENS

KNOW 91.1 FM

weeknights 10-11:30 p.m.

Hosted by the tenacious Michael Enright and the easygoing Barbara Budd, As It Happens consistently scoops almost every U.S. newscast on topics of science, religion, ethics, mass shifts in culture, the implications of advances in technology and medicine, and trends in education--in Canada, internationally, and in the United States. They also manage to have funny, idiosyncratic feature stories that avoid sap or sanctimony.

REASON TO SHRED A SUBSCRIPTION TO ROLLING STONE

ADDICTED TO NOISE

http://www.addict.com

Is the faux-mournful countenance of Hootie w/Blowfish on the cover of Rolling Stone again? Time to investigate Addicted to Noise. With a half-dozen rock & roll updates each day--concert briefs, rock birthdays, significant releases--ATN delivers a regular info-fix. ATN has also boasted features on notoriously prickly subjects, Fugazi and Neil Young. The strongest thing recommending ATN, though, is its surprising contributors list. The eminent Greil Marcus writes a regular column (less heady hypotheses than what's-on-Greil's-stereo); the irascible Dave Marsh does too. Other regular and not-so-regular writers include Joey Ramone, MC5 ex-manager John Sinclair and Patti Smith guitarist Lenny Kaye. Finally, ATN is dedicated to the dead dean of rock writing, Lester Bangs. Not bad.

TELEVISION COMMERCIAL

MENARDS

various channels, various locations

Lost in his jowels, clinging to a ladder as he sputters out the cost of paint ("Just $9.99 a gallon!"), the Menards guy is the best thing to happen on TV since the Chef Cafe guy. And for once, the product is as good as the ad--a great place to get bulk Cheetos and paint rollers in one stop. Frequently, we find ourselves whistling to ourselves on our way through the office: save big money at Menards...

TV NEWS COVERAGE OF A NON-EVENT

THE DANGERS OF

NON-HARMFUL BACTERIA

KARE-11

Now here's some stiff competition. While passing mention must be made for Channel 4's Dimension Report on the shenanigans at Tropix Bar (the reporter shot undercover video of a bartender juggling a flaming liquor bottle, and subsequently lit his pants on fire as part of the act. The footage was then shown to Minneapolis City Council members who expressed their shock and dismay), the hands-down winner this year is KARE-11's coverage of the iced tea beat. During February sweeps, the station aired a report on Twin Cities restaurants with bacteria in their iced tea containers. The purported health hazard they sought to expose doesn't exist; no one has ever gotten sick off the stuff, as they dully and dutifully reported. And as if the first installment wasn't flaccid enough, the station followed up the next evening with a report on home-brewed tea. What's next? "Dust mites: the invisible critters who share your bed"?

WEBSITE

THE INTERNET MOVIE DATABASE

http://www.imdb.com/

You won't find nudie pictures here, nor the lyrics to those Mentos commercials. What you will find are comprehensive listings on tens of thousands of movies--casts and crews, capsule reviews, film stock, lens esoterica--all instantly accessible through a variety of search forms. Know the character but not the actor? The director but not the film? Best of all, everything is hot-linked; click on obscure character actor Timothy Carey and view his complete filmography, as actor, writer and director. Choose one of his movies--The Killing--and check its cast. Select another actor from The Killing, and view her filmography. With this much raw information readily available, addiction is inevitable.

WEBSITE/LOCAL

THE WILL POWER CLINIC

http://art.mcad.edu/home/faculty/szyhalski/

spl/inward.html

Against admittedly thin competition, Piotr Szyhalski's not-so-subtle shaggy dog joke on the horror of propaganda wins hands down. Following paragraphs of faux self-help prose, the viewer is presented with curious questions (e.g., "Defy the Inferior?"). At the end of a dozen such questions, the results of one's choices appear in the form of grisly graphics--death squad scenes, pools of blood, killing fields. Although it may ultimately be more juvenile than "haunting," Szyhalski's choose-your-own-adventure is well designed and genuinely interactive. And what a title!

ANTIQUE FURNITURE

ANTIQUES MINNESOTA

1516 E. Lake St., Mpls., 722-6000

No snotty dealers here, sniffing out your ignorance in matters of Queen Anne table legs or King George lampshades. What you will get is thousands of square feet of gorgeous home fittings all under one big top and, if you're diligent, deals, deals, deals. Every American era is on display here, from Colonial hope chests to prairie steamers, from art deco to '50s kitsch. AM is especially well-stocked when it comes to dining room and bedroom sets--whole stalls full of ensembles, with the occasional canopied bed. Last week a hand-carved grand piano arrived on the upper floor with a don't-touch price tag, but even then, the pleasure is like the one that hits you in an art gallery: awe at the pure aesthetics, without any desire to own the show. The stuff you can afford is always high-quality and priced in line with book value.

BOOKSTORE/ANTIQUARIAN

DINKYTOWN ANTIQUARIAN BOOKS

1316 S.E. Fourth St., Mpls., 378-1286

For 23 years Larry Dingman has presided over this joy spot for the serious bibliophile, first on the second floor of Dinkydale Mall (the old College Inn hotel), and now in a narrowed-down space crammed full of display cases and laden shelves. The shop specializes in modern literature, poetry, drama, and has earned a national reputation for its stock of Western fiction and first editions. Most transactions are best done through catalogue mail order, though Larry will do out-of-print searches upon request (mainly for literature). Most of the 4,000 volumes on display and the 20,000 in storage come from other sellers, libraries, collections, and various auctions around the upper Midwest. The owner is the only employee, and he's there when he's there, so calling ahead for an appointment is advisable.

BOOKSTORE/CHILDREN'S

BORDERS

1501 S. Plymouth Rd., Mtka., 595-0977

Borders everywhere love children, and this one the most: There's a spacious playroom stocked with every tot's delight, from Wild Things animals strung up in a hammock to over-the-doorknob boxed sets to Madeline and Curious George classics in giant format. Mom, Dad, Grandma, feel free to park the little ones here while you browse upstairs--the staff is great about keeping an eye out for whiners and ripped pages. They're also smart about recommendations, especially on front list titles, illustrators from around the world, and age-appropriate gifts. Check the schedule, too, for free upcoming readings and story hours with hot authors.

BOOKSTORE/INDEPENDENT

HUNGRY MIND

1648 Grand Avenue, St. Paul, 699-0587

This Macalester College-area standard-bearer has been a favorite of locals and visiting out-of-towners for years now, and if their selection doesn't compare in volume to that of the newer superstores in town, HM is still unrivaled in the intelligence of its selection. The staff is knowledgeable and accommodating, and the authors' reading series is one of the consistent bright lights on the TC literary scene, running the gamut from Greil Marcus to Sharon Olds to William Vollmann.

BOOKSTORE/MYSTERY

UNCLE EDGAR'S MYSTERY BOOKSTORE

2864 Chicago Ave. S., Mpls., 824-9984

Uncle Edgar's has a positively haunted air these days, crouching in the shadow of the abandoned Sears. The store boasts a famously knowledgeable staff and a vast selection of new, used, and remaindered books peek from shelves crowded with signs indicating special interests (like romantic suspense) famous authors writing pseudonymously, staff favorites, and award winners. Hard-to-find titles nestle inconspicuously next to blockbusters. If you're particularly watchful, you may even find some out-of-print titles in the stacks of lurid paperbacks that crowd the floor-corners.

BOOKSTORE/SCIENCE FICTION

UNCLE HUGO'S SCIENCE FICTION BOOKSTORE

2864 Chicago Ave. S., Mpls., 824-6347

Uncle Hugo's used section dwarfs any other bookshop's SciFi, mystery, travel, and poetry sections combined, and their new and featured picks are both wide-ranging (encompassing the brainy, the experimental, the kinky, the madly speculative, and yes, Star Trek novels) and well-chosen. You can amass Robert Heinlein's or Isaac Asimov's backlist for cheap (used books start at $1.50), you can browse for a long, long time without feeling like an interloper, and you can ask the people behind the counter complex questions and receive an intelligent answer.

BUTCHER SHOP

BROTHERSON'S MEATS

824 W. 36th St., Mpls., 823-7227

Of the many advantages that accrue to the kings of the food chain, Brotherson's butcher shop is preeminent. Fresh steaks, roasts, and poultry glow from within polished refrigerator cases, and the carefully tended products of their smoker are splendid. Brotherson's smoker is giant, iron, and fueled by real hickory and maple chips (not the noxious "liquid smoke" that other people--bad, evil, wrong--use). Tender $6 smoked chickens are beautifully tawny and even low-fat. Home-cured and smoked hams are a marvel, and if you have the foresight to order a section of double-smoked bacon, all the better for you. They'll even smoke your northwoods catch (for $.59 a pound) or a turkey or goose at your request. And those of you with really big freezers can get the 32-lb. family pack, supplying you with so many fine meats and hand-made sausages that being king of the food chain will feel regal indeed.

CAMPING EQUIPMENT

UNITED STORES

Various locations

The spandex may be better at places like Burger Brothers or Midwest Mountaineering, but you'll always get the longest portage for your dollar at United Stores. Basics like backpacks, canteens, tents, sleeping bags, canoes and paddles, mess kits, dehydrated food, waterproof topographical maps, hiking boots, and rain gear fill the showrooms here with everything you'll need for a go at the great outdoors. US holds a giant weekend sale every spring at the fairgrounds, where if you've got active elbows and tunnel vision, you can pick up some great steals. With a well-earned reputation as the working stiff's camping outlet, these folks know how to outfit even the greenest of wilderness lovers.

CAR WASH

OCTOPUS CAR WASH

2910 University Ave. S.E., Mpls., 378-1896

Drive under the bright yellow awning, arise from your stuffy, messy heap and let the well-scrubbed staff of the Octopus Car Wash lavish your rig with attention. You've got to love a place that warns you to carry a spare key with you just in case things get too intense during the wash. The Octopus will scrub under chassis, wax your mobile, cover it in paint sealers, fill it with the scent of strawberries, and inhibit rust, all for between $10-$20. If only they could wash and protect us as well as they do our vehicles.

CD SELECTION/IMPORTS/DANCE/POST-ROCK

LET IT BE

1001 Nicollet Mall, Mpls., 339-7439

As far as I know, they were the only place within a few hundred miles that could sell you the new Tricky and Moby imports last week. And as impressive as their stock of things weird, British, danceable, and/or tranceable already is, it's only gonna get worse (or better, depending on how much disposable income you have). Come summer, they'll have knocked down some walls, taken over the shop next door, and set up a dance music shop--complete with turntables and mixer--in the basement. Could this be a sign of a resurgent Twin Cities DJ culture? Stay tuned.

CD SELECTION/JAZZ & BLUES

ELECTRIC FETUS

2000 Fourth Ave. S.,

Mpls., 870-9300

Every major-league city has a music store like the Fetus, where the depth of inventory can successfully compete with the national chains (especially after last year's big expansion), with the added bonus of knowledgeable, open-minded employees available to assist you with their iconoclastic taste and cutting-edge instincts. The result is a store with a particular appreciation for the creative artistry of jazz and the elemental vigor of the blues, reflected in the Fetus's rich stock of regional and import labels, bountiful back-catalog items, and prominent placement of extensive new releases in each genre. Whether you're looking for bestsellers, boxed sets, or obscure gems from the likes of Reggie Workman or Eddie Kirkland, you'll save time by making this your first stop.

CD SELECTION/LATIN

MENA'S INTERNATIONAL RECORDS

2532 Nicollet Ave.,

Mpls., 872-8392

A couple of the grocery stores in West St. Paul stock otherwise hard-to-find Tex-Mex music, but for all-around Latin beats--the freshest salsas and merengues, the traditional cumbias and their banda updates, the florid pop balladeers--unless you are going to Chicago, it's tough to match Mena's, a small nook that emphasizes cassettes as much as CDs and listens to requests for new inventory.

CD SELECTION/PUNK ROCK

EXTREME NOISE

124 W. Lake St., Mpls., 821-0119

Forget your preconceived notions of snot-nosed, obnoxious, and world-weary punkers; the scene here is, for the most part, humble, gracious, and open to those new to the scene. This cooperatively owned shop carries a wide selection of hard-to-find garage and political punk rock CDs (not to mention cassettes and vinyl) from around the world. The small covey of owners cull their stock from various catalogs and individual record distributors with a passionate hand. If you have questions about the latest Dissension or Oxymoron release, you'll find them able to offer a knowledgeable comment or two. Best of all, if you don't have cash on hand, Extreme Noise is an animated place to hang out, peruse the latest zines, and maybe even make a new friend.

CD SELECTION/WORLD MUSIC

ROADRUNNER RECORD EXCHANGE

4304 Nicollet Ave., Mpls., 822-0613

While world music as a genre has exploded over the last few years, the fact remains that many of the best international recordings are only available (duh!) on import labels. With a stock that's freshened regularly with orders from the best sources (including London-based African pop pipeline Stern's; Piranha in Germany; Sonodisc, Ocora, and Artistes Arabes Associes in France), and a knowledgeable reference guide in buyer Dan Rein (who's still hosting Century Song on KFAI Sunday mornings), this remains the best selection in town. Plenty of well-chosen domestic releases, great prices, and a beefy used section, too.

CHINESE HERB SELECTION

TRUONG THANH GROCERY STORE

2520 Nicollet Ave., Mpls. 879-0561

Inside the rows and rows of big round jars on the north wall of Truong Thanh, you might find some tree bark, fruit rind, insect shell, wild weed, and dozens of other, more common herbal ingredients. Behind the counter, you will likely find 76-year-old Duong M. Xuoung and his apprentice/assistant ready to serve you. If you wish, Xuoung will listen to your pulse and suggest a package of ingredients that--without making any claims that would cause the FDA to get nervous--might just help you in alleviating that chronic circulation problem or nagging muscle pull.

CLASSIC VINYL

HYMIE'S VINTAGE RECORDS

3318 E. Lake St., Mpls. 729-8890

Horrible but true: Some indispensible music will never find its way onto a CD or cassette tape. Sometimes the masters get destroyed; sometimes a contract dispute leaves the material in legal limbo; sometimes the expert putting together that "definitive" compilation package has bogus taste and omits a couple of the most vital tracks. Or maybe an old slab o' vinyl is indispensible to you only, as a kitsch obsession or a gift for your grandma. Whatever the circumstance, Hymie's seems to have a radar track on the most elusive vinyl treasures. Combing through his densely packed stacks of albums, you'll find a preponderance of great jazz, blues, and Tin Pan Alley pop from the Eisenhower era, often-pristine slabs of vinyl tucked into sleeves with artwork that alone is almost worth the purchase price, which ranges from a few bucks to a week's pay, depending on its rarity.

CLOTHING/MARKDOWNS

FOURTH FLOOR OF NIEMAN MARCUS AND SAKS FIFTH AVE.

Gaviidae Common,

505 Nicollet Mall, Mpls.

When people ask me how a lowly cub reporter manages to be so darn fashionable, I tell them I smuggle diamonds under my tongue. Actually, it's all about keeping an eye on the fourth floor between Fifth and Seventh Streets on the east side of Nicollet, where the Saks' and Nieman's national outlets perch, linked by a rare and convenient fourth-floor skyway. Manolo Blahnik pumps for $59, cashmere coats for a quarter of retail, beautiful $28 Natori hand-appliqued nightgowns, and all in a space with vertigo-inducing Givenchy and Chloe couture. It doesn't make much sense to distinguish between the two stores, except perhaps to say that Saks has more DKNY and Nieman's is more eclectic (currently lots of housewares), because the greatness of either space depends upon the day's luck. Sometimes you leave empty-handed, and sometimes your little budget just can't handle all the fab bargains. And what are the chicest cub reporters wearing after a hard day of fact checking? Hand-finished white silk Ungaro, with abalone buttons, for mere pennies.

CLOTHING/USED

RAGSTOCK

830 N. Seventh St., Mpls., 333-8520

Well, it's not exactly a secret, but this Ragstock location carries a disturbing amount of merchandise, including (but certainly not limited to) ballerina tutus, blue jeans, army surplus gear, vintage dresses, coats, capes, purses, hats, and gloves. They also carry a generous and varied selection of new merchandise, like sunglasses, stockings, and underthings. Some things, after all, are much nicer when they're not used.

CLOTHING/VINTAGE

GABRIELA'S

1404 W. Lake St., Mpls., 822-1512

There's a reason that Hollywood wardrobe people have been known to fly to Minneapolis to shop for period dramas: Our vintage clothes are cheaper than those in L.A. or New York. Or they used to be, anyway. Now it seems you have to pay more and more for someone else to repair and dry clean a dress or suit that may have originally cost you about as much as a cup of coffee. But if you're willing to pay for this upscaling of nostalgia, Gabriela's is the place to go. They have a well-kept, tasteful selection of both men's and women's vintage wear, and some beautiful jewelry and accessories to boot. They also have a lay-away plan, so if you don't have a grandmother's inheritance to spend on a grandmother's outfit, you can budget in a way grandmother would have approved of.

COMIC BOOK STORE

DREAMHAVEN BOOKS

1309 S.E. Fourth St., Mpls., 379-8924

912 W. Lake St., Mpls., 823-6161

1403 W. Lake St., Mpls., 825-4720

If "comics" to you still means men in tights and capes with muscles bulging through their plastic chemises, there are any number of places to go. But Dreamhaven's underground comic store in Dinkytown hasn't lost its way amid comics' commercial popularity. Instead they focus on the likes of Neil Gaiman's brilliant Sandman series, Peter Bagge's hilarious Hate comics, anything by Daniel Clowes; they help to underwrite it all by selling mountains of Magic Cards and other sword-wielding fantasy games.

COMMUNITY CLINIC

WESTSIDE HEALTH CENTER

153 Concord St., St. Paul, 222-1816

This is the only place where I haven't minded having blood drawn, mainly because the bilingual (English/Spanish) staff is calming and kind enough to make any horror seem bearable. With a professional staff that includes an internist, family practice physicians, an ob-gyn practitioner, a dentist, dental hygienist, and pediatrician, most all of your needs should be covered here. Services include family planning, HIV/STD testing, blood pressure and diabetes screening, health education, and a senior health program. The clinic is open for patient appointments 8:30 a.m.-5 p.m., Monday-Friday (evening hours also available Monday-Thursday).

ETHNIC MARKET/EASTERN EUROPEAN

KRAMARCZUK'S

215 Hennepin Ave. E., Mpls., 379-3018

I'd been searching these cities for years to find pickled tomatoes and dried white fish to go with ritualistic shots of vodka. Nothing turned up; sure, there were close seconds--smoked salmon and pickles-- but close seconds still leave you dreaming of the best. Finally I found precisely what I was looking for at Kramarczuk's--the place to marvel over homemade dumplings, sauerkraut, goulash, jars of sour cherry jam, imported Russian candies, packages of instant goulash, pickled beets, homemade horseradish, borscht, crepes, cabbage rolls, sausages, Ukrainian tea, and, most important in my book, the best variety of dried fish in town.

ETHNIC MARKET/INDIAN

ASIA IMPORTS

1840 Central Ave. N.E., Mpls., 788-4571

Not only does Asia Imports have the best selection of frozen vegetarian and vegan dinners in town--over 40 entrées on a recent visit--but they offer the most crowd-stopping desserts this side of the Rockies: neon orange, yellow, or green fudgy confections festooned with silver sugar-paint, sometimes studded with bright pistachios. Asia Imports also features Reena's ice creams (by the cup, pint, or gallon) in flavors such as fig, saffron pistachio, and malai kulfi. They have everything you might need to prepare an Indian feast: various kinds of basmati rice in beautiful bags, scads of chutneys, several kinds of ghee, light and crispy frozen nan, curry powders from here to eternity, and, for you anglophiles, Marmite and treacle. Wrap up your evening with one of their hundreds of (un-subtitled) Indian films on videocassette, or the Twin Cities' largest selection of tapes of important cricket matches. Bombay on the Mississippi is about 3/4 of a mile north of Broadway on Central.

ETHNIC MARKET/ITALIAN

BUON GIORNO

335 University Ave. E. (at Mississippi),

St. Paul, 224-1816

Sure, we love Cossetta's too, but while they may beat these guys on selection, Buon Giorno beats them on soul. Not only that, their Sicilian sausages are the best in the Twin Cities: lean and chewy, with fennel and red pepper singing gently to one another. Their dried pasta is convenient, inexpensive, and toothsome, and they've got a great frozen selection, too (including desserts like that old Chicago fave, Lezza's Italian Lemonade ices). Add generic groceries, a full liquor selection (with a solid Italian wine selection, natch) and hot & cold take-out, and your shopping needs are pretty much covered. Complete the urban Italian dining experience by eating your lunch in the back lot, where you can watch the cranes swing metal back and forth in the scrapyard.

ETHNIC MARKET/LATIN

EL BURRITO MERCADO

175 Concord St., St. Paul, 227-2192

With brightly colored walls hung with bright piñatas, El Burrito is a cheap holiday in the sun. Treat yourself to fresh sugar cane, industrial-size cans of jalapeño peppers, picante sauces, imported Mexican candy, frozen empanada wrappers, CDs, cassettes, fresh-baked cookies, a vast array of Mexican sodas, and an abundant selection of staple goods like corn meal, condensed milk, and fresh corn tortillas. The bilingual staff is cheerful and helpful, and when your eyes get weary of exploring, have a seat in the deli for some fine, authentic Mexican food (see "Best Burrito"), best washed down with a cinnamon-drenched cup of hot chocolate.

ETHNIC MARKET/MEDITERRANEAN

BILL'S IMPORTED FOODS

721 W. Lake St., Mpls., 827-2891

On a recent visit my shopping basket overflowed with taramasalata (carp roe salad), violet-colored olives, a jar of peeled and roasted red peppers, Croatian jam, Papadapolous chocolate cigars (not named after the infamous Greek dictator), Greek feta (French, Bulgarian, and domestic feta are inferior, I was told), dirt cheap extra-virgin olive oil, chocolate-swirled halva, a huge jar of capers, and a helping of dolmades stuffed with rice and pine nuts.

ETHNIC MARKET/MIDDLE EASTERN

SINDBAD INTERNATIONAL FOOD & IMPORT

2528 Nicollet Ave., Mpls., 871-6505

Sindbad's opened up as a combo market/cafe a couple years ago, and the aphrodisiacal bouquet of spices (in huge barrels), rose water (steaming up the bakery case), and roasted lamb (in the biggest platter-dinners this side of Istanbul) have been luring those in the know ever since. There's a full vegetarian menu too, which tastes all the better when the in-house video of Hillary Clinton bellydancing is playing on the VCR parked next to the fig vat up front. If you've got the yen for fresh dates, 10 kinds of olives, exotic cooking oils, or bulk gyros meat and fixings galore, one loop through the loaded aisles will end you up with an overloaded basket and a surprisingly low total at the register. Sindbad's catering service also lays out a mean spread.

EYEWEAR SELECTION

SPECS

2228 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 374-2114

With most of their stock imported from Europe, Specs carries some of the most exclusive lines in eyewear, including Lounor's, Bada, and Kohsaki. If you can't bear to throw away grandfather's old glasses, bring them on in and get them fitted with new lenses for yourself. With an inventory that exceeds 800 frames, Specs turns the tedious process of getting fitted for glasses into an encounter with high fashion.

FARMERS' MARKET

DOWNTOWN ST. PAUL

290 E. Fifth St. (Fifth & Wall),

St. Paul, 227-8101

There's speculation that the act of walking down neon-lit aisles, zombie-like, pushing an aluminum cart isn't really grocery shopping; it's some bizarre ritual aliens have programmed us to perform for their own reasons. The real thing, by contrast, happens outdoors, in a market, where you can see and touch and taste the food; now if you they legalized haggling (which apparently remains prohibited under Minnesota Nice), you'd have it all. Any farmers' market will do, but St. Paul's is the oldest (some families have had stalls here since steamboat days), and the only one where products must be from within a 50-mile radius--which means you won't get people selling California grapes out of a semitrailer, but instead lots of Hmong farmers, organic growers, and oddball arts-and-crafts types of all descriptions. Hours are 6 a.m.-1 p.m. Saturday, and 8 a.m.-1 p.m. Sunday; at harvest time, mid-July to late August, they're also open Wednesdays 2-5 p.m.

FLEA MARKET

MEDINA FLEA MARKET

Medina Entertainment Center parking lot,

500 Highway. 55, Medina

If you can get out of bed on a Sunday morning, the flea market is a Mecca for pack rats, funky junk lovers, and those who like to B.S. with weathered old vendors just to hear their stories. The market at Medina offers a wide range of goods (and ghosts), from antique furniture to old LPs to costume jewelry. Every vendor has her own values; don't be surprised if you find some gorgeous old treasure at an unbelievably low price, or a Charlie's Angels lunchbox for $25. Give yourself a good two hours, be polite if you haggle (dealers take it seriously), and head to Rascal's eatery (on the lot) for a full-spread waffle buffet afterwards. The market runs from the first Sunday in May to the last Sunday in October, weather permitting. From about 6 a.m. to about 1 p.m., and the early bird catches the fabulous velvet loveseat.

FRESH FISH

COASTAL SEAFOOD

2330 Minnehaha Ave., Mpls., 724-7425

74 Snelling Ave., St. Paul, 698-4888

The fish here comes from around the world, Hawaii to Argentina to New Zealand. Salmon, swordfish, tuna, and squid abound, all sashimi grade, not to mention a wide variety of shellfish. If it lives in the ocean and it's in season, chances are Coastal Seafood has it. Marinades and recipes are available in case you're not sure what to do with the stuff once you get it home.

GUNSHOP

BILL'S GUN SHOP

4080 W. Broadway Ave., Robbinsdale, 533-9594

819 Sibley Memorial Highway.,

Lilydale, 450-1006

OK, so they win every year; they deserve it. Bill's is one of the largest, best-stocked gun stores in the state, serving civilians and cops alike. They've got everything from .22 rifles to Desert Eagles, ammunition, parts, bullet-proof vests; even muzzle-loading equipment (which means an extended deer hunting season!). And the Robbinsdale location is the only decent-sized shop with a public shooting range attached to it; a gun purchase earns you a free pass. Check out their new home page, which features gun listings--with pictures--and links to all kinds of firearms-related organizations. It's at http://www.billsgs.com.

HIGH-FAT, HIGH-CALORIE BREAKFAST

KEY'S RESTAURANTS

1682 Lexington Ave. N., Roseville, 487-3530

numerous other locations

If you are going to clog your blood vessels with Bad Things, what better time to do it than at breakfast, when you have an entire day to ream them out with strenuous exercise, like bending over to pick up a Sunday paper? There are probably some very healthy items on the menu at Key's, but we'd never think of ordering them. Instead, rustle up some sausage and fried eggs, or one of their fat ham-and-cheese omelets with a side order of homefries, done crispy for extra taste and cholesterol be damned. Key's is not a greasy spoon, but neither is it beholden to the food police who want to ruin a good meal for the sake of a healthy heart. The coffee's good and plentiful, the service crisp, and the scrumptious, fattening fare will keep you feeling contented until mid-afternoon.

IMPORTED AND MICROBREWERY BEER

SURDYK'S

303 Hennepin Ave. E., Mpls., 379-3232

Surdyk's and Big Top, the Godzilla and Mothra of the local beer scene. Both have more than 300 specialty beers (including pineapple, peach, cherry, pumpkin, maple, and the ubiquitous raspberry), both offer similar impressive discounts, both have shopping carts, formica floors, and bags of ice. But only Surdyk's has a stunning wine selection, fine, fine breads, and an awe-inspiring cheese selection. For what ennobles a good stout more then a wedge of stilton, or enhances a porter better than an aged cheddar? The only thing Surdyk's doesn't offer towards a perfect beer experience is a sunny meadow and a bonny lad or lass. Those you'll have to provide on your own.

LIQUOR STORE/WINE

LIQUOR DEPOT

1010 Washington Ave. S., Mpls., 339-4040

Tough call. France 44 probably has the most interesting selection in town, and Surdyk's combines a good selection with nice discounts. But Liquor Depot pushed out front this year for their combination of selection, price, and especially, their wine-tasting benefits, which revolve around notable semiannual sales. Generally held at International Market Square, the tastings allow novices and pros alike to sample six or seven dozen wines for a measly $20 (you also get an elegant noshing spread, and even free cigars). Using a scorecard with vintages and pricing, you simply check off the ones you like (most under $25 a bottle, some as low as $6), and the following day, when you manage to get out of bed, you head down to the store and buy 'em. The best preliminary lessons any aspiring oenophile could wish for, from a store with good deals year round.

MASSAGE THERAPIST

ROBERTA HODGES

3104 16th Ave. S., Mpls., 824-8263

Some pros who give you massages are very good but very expensive; others are cheap but don't knead the muscles free of snarls and tension the way you need them to. For $35 an hour, Hodges will do a full-body massage that dissolves the kinks and lifts the fatigue straight out of your system. Like most of her peers, she works with oil and relaxing music; what distinguishes her massages are force and pacing. Her touch is vigorous and probing without making you feel as if you stumbled into a rolfing session; if you flinch, she's sensitive enough to lighten up, work more gradually, or simply ask you how much it hurts. And her efficient style enables her to linger over problem areas without neglecting the rest of the body within the hour. That said, massage times do run from a half-hour ($22) to an hour and three-quarters ($50). Whatever the length, her sessions will simultaneously relax and invigorate you.

NEWSSTAND

SHINDERS

Various locations

Forget the infobahn--for those of us who like to obtain our information on paper, Shinders is it. They offer national dailies from Anchorage to Atlanta, in addition to publications from across the seas. They get a large selection of papers from London, one of the last great multi-newspaper cities; and where else are you going to find German-language tabloids with news of Das 524-Gramm-Baby? To peruse them all is to observe a vast, churning world far beyond the corner of Eighth & Nicollet in downtown Minneapolis. Another bonus of this Twin Cities institution: It's one of the last remaining places where people from all walks of life congregate. Primo people-watching. And don't even get us started on the magazines, zines, comics, and collectors' cards.

NEWSSTAND/INTERNATIONAL

DINKYTOWN NEWS

314 14th Ave. S.E., Mpls.

Global newshounds may have been stunned recently to find that Dinkytown News no longer occupies its squatter space at 14th and University. The little shack with the colorful murals was torn down to make way for the Dinkytown street-and-bridge nightmare/restoration project. The good part is that the newsstand has moved to bigger quarters half a block up 14th, next to Kinko's. If business rebounds from the move, that might mean even more selection in a store that already carries everything from Jeune Afrique to Australia Arts & Design.

NURSERY

TONKA DALE GREENHOUSES

3739 Tonkawood Rd., Mtka., 938-6480

This is a plant lover's place; heck, the outfit was started by an African violet fanatic, and for years was famous the world over for its unusual hybrids. The violet craze eventually faded, but the greenhouse didn't: These days they carry 100 kinds of roses, 300 perennials, and at least 150 annual flowers. And these aren't garden-variety selections either: If you're looking for those dorky mixed-color pastel snapdragons, don't bother. But if you're up for monochrome snapdragons in every conceivable hue and height, Tonka Dale will dazzle you.

ORGANIC FOOD MARKET

WEDGE COMMUNITY CO-OP

2105 Lyndale Ave. S., Mpls., 871-3993

AND

MISSISSIPPI MARKET CO-OP

1810 Randolph Ave., St. Paul, 690-0507

Co-ops these ain't, in much besides name; retail democracy gave way to PC consumerism years ago. Even so, there's a lot to be said for grocery stores where you can find just about everything you eat, brew, or clean your house with, and know it's manufactured with as little damage to the planet as possible. Which, of course, is true for any neighborhood co-op; these two stand out strictly on selection. Prices for a few of the more esoteric goodies remain in the are-you-kidding range ($5-plus for a little bag of seaweed?), but generally shopping here won't set you back any further than at the Toxic Mart down the road.

ORGANIC GARDEN SUPPLIES

GARDEN CITY

2121 Lyndale Ave. S., Mpls., 871-6265

The meteorologists say spring is about two weeks behind schedule this year; it feels more like three months. But maybe it's just a reminder that nature runs on its own rhythm, and that you're usually better off not interfering with it. So out with the diazinone, and the Round-Up and the Weed & Feed; in with the rock phosphate, the green sand, and the all-natural bird-poop fertilizer. Let a thousand flowers bloom, and a few tomatoes ripen too.

ORGANIC MEAT MARKET

LINDEN HILLS MEATS & DELI

4307 Upton Ave. S., Mpls., 926-0222

The government says there isn't any mad-cow disease in the United States; the jury's still out on the evidence. But even if they're right, between hormones, pesticides, and crowded feedlots there are plenty of reasons to steer away from conventionally grown meat. If you're still not ready to trade the occasional New York Strip for a lifetime of tofu burgers, this is the place to go for a nice, old-fashioned selection of cuts in tantalizing shades of pink and burgundy. And the best part is that, despite the tony location, prices are entirely reasonable.

PLACE TO COP WEEDS

PRESENT MOMENT BOOKS AND HERBS

3546 Grand Ave. S.,

Mpls., 824-3157

This place is worth visiting for the scenery alone. When we last stopped in, we overheard someone recommending a therapist for her "remarkable third eye." We learned firsthand that doctors are inclined to grab the arm of unsuspecting book-browsers checking pulses. Present Moments boasts over 600 herbs in root, flower, powder and leaf form. Prices vary but seem reasonable, especially considering the services of the official herb dealer who gathers them and gives over-the-counter advice about remedies. And if the dealer can't help you, you can look it up yourself in their huge library.

PLACE TO FURNISH YOUR APARTMENT FOR LESS THAN $100

DIGGER'S DELIGHT

2543 Como Ave., St. Paul, 646-2591

An unsettling feeling descends over you at Digger's. It's the damn racket, unlike anything you've ever heard before, the sound of busy scavenger hands and feet rummaging and kicking their way through bins and stockpiles of objects. This is the place where all overflow from area Goodwills gets dumped, the stuff they didn't have time to sort and price; here it gets priced by the pound. I've found everything from couches, Run-DMC aqua socks, and Fender PA systems, to blenders and suitcases--all in immaculate condition. It can be a battle protecting your stash from fellow scavengers, but the spoils are definitely worth it.

PROFESSIONAL PHOTO PROCESSING

PROEX

Various locations

AND

PROCOLOR

909 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 673-8900

For the average everyday shooter, best bet is ProEx. You'll find decent prices and excellent customer service at their umpteen locations around the city. No fingerprints or dust, no sloppy work or sorry excuses. For more serious amateurs and professionals, ProColor offers everything under the sun: processing, B&W and color printing, slides, negatives, Duratrans for large format work--all at reasonable prices with quick turnaround time. ProColor also offers periodic classes in digital imaging for beginners and vets in need of fine-tuning.

SOUVENIRS OF NATURAL AND MAN-MADE DISASTERS

BANKS

615 First Ave. N.E., Mpls., 379-2803

weekly sales updates: 379-4321

There are natural disasters, and there are man-made disasters, and you will find their detritus at Banks. Sometimes there's damning evidence of mankind's folly, like the little tubs of "Bree" by "French Celebration." Bree's motto? "Pasteurized process cheese with Brie-type flavor." Yum. And so cheap. Someone's bright idea for pastel-tinted, fruit flavored moisturizer stocks another aisle. But there are souvenirs of real disasters too. Who can forget the piles of Levi's with water-warped tags that surfaced after the great flood of '93? If you walk carefully, you can scent the unmistakable odor of fire emanating from wool suits or children's toys. There are also mysteries that defy explanation. Like the disorganized stacks of high-brow books in perfect condition--Heidegger, Bukowski, Camus--that recently overtook the top floor, discounted 67 percent. There's no better place to fish for life's flotsam.

SPECIALTY TEA SHOP

LA SOCIETE DU TEA

2516 Lyndale Ave. S., Mpls., 871-5148

A list of bulk teas carried by this new shop sounds like a divine litany rolling off the tongue: Chamraj (a hand-rolled Indian tea), Risheehat (a Darjeeling from India), Lung Ching, Pu-Erh (a black tea cured in bamboo baskets inside the caves of China), gray Yunan, and green Haruko (blended with rose petals and oil). One whiff will give any aficionado a heady buzz--with a stock of over 65 varieties from every tea-growing region in the galaxy, owner Tony Ruggiero is happy to give the uninitiated sample tastings and instructions on the right procedures for brewing, laying out, and enjoying tea ceremonies. The shop also carries gear, from tea bags to infusers, Guywan sets (traditional cups from China) to Yi-xing pots (for doing what's called Kung Fu tea shots). The place also hosts monthly tasting parties. Open 2-6 p.m. weekdays, 10 a.m.-7 p.m. on Saturday.

STEREO GEAR/AUDIOPHILE

HIFI SOUND ELECTRONICS

1226 Harmon Pl., Mpls., 339-6351

There are many, but HSE in downtown Minneapolis gets the big one for its terrific customer service and extensive knowledge of the technicalities involved in putting together a high-end custom system. Plus, it's been in the biz for 45 years and is still independent, meaning no national sales force training-seminars that end up warping staff at other stores into talking heads with dollar signs in their pupils. Here you can browse for ideas over time, and when you're ready for the plunge, drive home with--or have custom-installed--a component get-up of woofers, tweeters, and megawatt power tailored to suit your taste--be it classical, rap, opera, or Little Feat. Whistle-wetter: VTL, Counterpoint, NAD, Denon, Alon and B&W speakers. So if your mama's got a squeezebox in need of an update, dropping a wad of cash at this spot will send her rockin' into the millennium.

STEREO GEAR/GENERAL

BEST BUY IN UPTOWN

1300 W. Lake Street, 827-1741

The great unwashed can now walk into Best Buys all over the city without being accosted by commission-starved salespeople, an act no doubt of divine intervention. Perhaps God decided to wire heaven for sound after finally getting an earful of Bitches Brew after all these years. The staff, though sometimes on power overdrive from the swamp of customers, is unusually helpful in putting together mid-range systems with brands like Sony, Panasonic, Fisher, and Sanyo--all relatively affordable, and easy to measure for quality in the good acoustics of the listening chambers.

SUITS/BARGAIN, FUNKY, OR OTHERWISE

REPEAT PERFORMANCE

707 W. 34th St., Mpls., 824-3035

The ineffable qualities of a suit are many: the clear-eyed '60s-ishness of a thin-collared sharkskin, the honest prosperity of a thick brown double-breasted wool, the boathouse rakishness of pre-war ivory linen. Of course, these suits aren't easy to find. That's why you must call upon the eagle eyes and considerable inventory of Sandy at Repeat Performance. Though Sandy's isn't a large store, every piece in it is quality merchandise, hand-picked with a discriminating eye. And if you're a good customer she'll let you know when something in your size and taste comes in.

TAXI

BLUE AND WHITE CABS

1304 E. Lake St., Mpls., 333-3331

Carl was the driver. He had a beard, and a substantial paunch. He knew exactly how to get to the small restaurant we wanted to get to, and expertly avoided the spring construction project that closed down a key road. Then came the off-color joke. "I took dwarf to a cat-house over here last week," he said, waving toward the quiet buildings off the highway. "A dwarf?" "Yeah, from the Snow White ice show. One of the skating dwarves." "Really?" "Yeah. He went in Grumpy, and came out Happy." All this and a ride for only four bucks.

TOBACCO SHOP

GOLDEN LEAF LTD.

Calhoun Square, Lake & Hennepin,

Mpls., 824-1867

We've been kicked out of public spaces, out of restaurants, out of our own goddamned offices, for chrissake. So us puffers can't stress enough what an oasis of civility this place is. It's 20 below zero outside, and all we want is a smoke--Golden Leaf opens its doors. We've even gone in with a pal, bought two Sherman's for 50 cents, and gone off in the corner to smoke them without being made to feel like lowlife scum (I think they call it enabling--God bless 'em). They've also got one of the nicest humidors in town, and an incredible amount of tobacco-oriented gifts and paraphernalia jammed into their tiny shop. It's worth a look-see even if you don't smoke.

TOYS/IRONIC

AX MAN SURPLUS

1639 University Ave., St. Paul, 646-8653

If Ted Kaczinski had burned out of Berkeley and landed in Minnesota, chances are he would have scrawled "Ax Man--capacitors/wire/circuit boards/misc. nuts and bolts" on an envelope and stuffed it into a can with a handful of assorted chunks of metal for the boys at the FBI to puzzle over. But don't get the idea that the Ax Man clientele is limited to ex-mathematicians and, uh, hobbyists. Capacitors, wire, circuit boards, nuts, bolts, and screws are merely a few of the more practical "toys" for sale at Ax Man. Additionally, look for marbles ($2.50 a pound), speakers, Rambo erasers, ceramic tiles, and other odds and ends. Lots of other odds and ends.

TOYS/KIDS

CREATIVE KIDSTUFF

various locations

AND

ART STARTS ARTSCRAPS

1459 St. Clair Ave., St. Paul, 698-2787

Creative Kidstuff offers an entirely different children's shopping experience. The key word here is volume. Kidstuff features toys as simple as water color paints, as extravagant as a Lego Aquazone costing up to $80 bucks, as elegant as the Scandinavian wooden sail-boats, complete with functional rigging. Toys here are wholesome, tending toward the educational, the non-violent, and the developmentally correct. Everything seems about three bucks overpriced, but the gift-wrapping is worth the sticker shock. ArtScraps is a different matter: Anyone familiar with the adventures of Pippi Longstocking can think of this as the "thing-finder" store. The rest of you should imagine all the cast-off materials of the throwaway world collected under one roof: giant sheets of glow-in-the-dark, sticky-backed paper ($1 a sheet), 1-inch squares of white styrofoam with stickers on each side (fill a grocery bag for $2.50--you figure out what to do with them), and so on. The store buys all its stock from businesses and manufacturers who would otherwise throw the goodies away; it offers classes and activities for kids too.

USED LEVI'S

URBAN OUTFITTERS

3006 Hennepin Ave.,
Mpls., 823-1000

Though you have to get past surly staff to get into the fitting room, UO has the best, though not the cheapest, used Levi's in town. You know--the kind that make your butt look good even if you don't have one. They also feature multi-colored Levi's of their own making. Mr. Strauss may be rolling over in his grave, but darn: Those purple and sea-green jeans sure look sporty! Prices start at $24 a pair for the original blues, and dyed Levi's are currently on sale for $19.99. They even offer ready-made cut-offs for the scissor-impaired.

VETERINARIAN

HOME VETERINARY SERVICES

824-5420

Veterinarian offices are full of danger. Fluffy kitties confront snarling dobermans and scratch trenches into your arms and scalp. Friendly little lap dogs get clobbered by feisty tomcats. And sometimes animals come home infested with fleas, stricken with ear mites, or worse. And who wants to scrape all that pet hair off the car seats? Susan Clarey, of Minneapolis's Home Vet Services, is a woman whose time has come. Think All Creatures Great and Small, but mostly small. She makes house calls, armed with a giant duffel bag full of syringes, medicines, and an air of competence and intelligence. And she doesn't cost any more than those vets with waiting rooms.

VIDEO STORE/INDEPENDENT

DISCOUNT VIDEO

2655 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 377-4977

On the list of institutions that a city this size is lucky to have, Discount Video has to rank high. There are very few places like this anywhere, for that matter: a top-flight selection that runs across almost every conceivable category, smart and (mostly) personable staff, good member deals, and a willingness to help you track down obscure titles that have fallen through the cracks. (On the last count, ask for Bob and you're halfway there.)

VIDEO STORE/INTERNATIONAL SELECTION

INTERCONTINENTAL VIDEO

521 Cedar Ave. S.,

Mpls., 333-6666

True to its name, this multiculti superstore has more foreign (as well as domestic) titles, both obscure and everyday, than you can shake a Thai-stick at. Specializing in everything but the mundane, this West Bank landmark is always worth a visit.

ALTERNATIVE TO PROZAC

AN ALMOND MOO FROM CAFE LATTE

850 Grand Ave., St. Paul, 224-5687

Some days you can blame it on hormones or the weather, some days you're just pissed off. Rather than the standard inane reactions, like drop-kicking the cat or flipping off fellow passengers on the highway, we suggest you repair to Cafe Latte for a nice warm glass of Almond Moo. Really. A tablespoon of almond syrup blended with rich milk steamed to just the right temperature and topped with some whipped cream and a wedge of wafer, moos have been known to impart a bovine docility to the demeanor in a matter of minutes. Bring a book, maybe some Rod McKuen or Marquis de Sade, depending on how fast you want to transition out. The moo will take the doom right out of your mood for just $1.85. Also available in chocolate hazelnut and about a dozen other flavors.

CEMETERY

PIONEERS & SOLDIERS MEMORIAL CEMETERY

2945 Cedar Ave. S., Mpls., 729-8484

Nothing quite satisfies the soul like a melancholy ramble through the weathered granite markers at old Pioneers and Soldiers'. Strolling among the stones of Minneapolis's oldest graveyard, one's mind turns naturally to contemplation of mortality. And while you muse on other romantic themes, Death seems to flap out of the trees with the crows, hovering like mist over the graves. It's real cool.

CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT FOR KIDS

COMO ZOO AND CONSERVATORY

Lexington Parkway, North of I-95,

St. Paul, 488-5571

When I was growing up here in the '60s, my family always made the Como Zoo a rite of summer. Unfortunately, the excursion was a less than joyful event. The lions used to mope about half-heartedly in their cramped cages, and the zoo had a perpetual gray cast whether or not the sun was shining. But the Como of today is a vastly different place. The zoo is larger and cleaner than in days past, has a greater variety of animals, and the admission is still free. You can have a great day there for less than $5.

DOWNTOWN WALK

ST. PAUL

Forget what you've heard. Just stroll, on a sunny day, from the promenade along Wabasha toward the courthouse. Look up at buildings that don't take up all the sky. Head over to West Seventh, get a sub at Cossetta's, and sit on a bench in Rice Park next to people in suits and kids with skates and guys with backpacks fresh off the bus. This is what a city is--or at least as close as you'll come in these parts. And you'd better enjoy it while you can, judging from the way politicians and business types are talking these days--witness this comment from downtown booster John Labosky recently about his vision for St. Paul's core: "Lowertown and the Farmers Market can be Pioneerland. The Capitol area can be Fantasyland, and the riverfront area can be Adventureland. We can link it all together... and put a Rockefeller Center-type space in the middle."

FOOD SAMPLES

GREAT HARVEST BAKERY

4314 Upton Ave. S.,

Mpls., 929-2899

Sure, you can spend Sunday morning at Rainbow munching on Instant Ham-and-Cheese Tarts, Famous Barbecue Sauce, and Cinnamon Coconut Pull-Aparts. But you still can't beat the way it feels to walk into Great Harvest on a rainy afternoon and be enveloped by the smells of the world's first food. The thick, crumbly, steaming slices are piled right by the cash register, flanked by tubs of butter and honey. If you don't walk out cradling at least a couple of still-warm loaves you're missing one of life's great pleasures.

GARDEN/PRIVATE

MR. FRANKENSTEIN'S IN MINNETONKA

location classified,

938-5308

Entering Frankenstein's garden is like coming upon the back acre of Eden through a grapevine-laden arbor. Over the 15 years since his retirement, this master plantsman has turned a 70 by 100 foot suburban lot into a cabinet of wonders, stocked with an overstory of chokecherry and pine and a bottom stratum of the rare species he prefers: Japanese asters, Czechoslovakian dianthus, over a dozen varieties of campanula. Every spring, Frankenstein starts over 1,000 seeds under lights inside, setting them out after the frost-free date in a loose configuration of curved plots and secreted shade hideaways. It takes a good couple hours to take it all in, including the alpine rock garden and rotating annual beds, which is fine by him if you call ahead on a summer day.

GARDEN/PUBLIC

ELOISE BUTLER WILDFLOWER GARDEN AND BIRD SANCTUARY

Theodore Wirth Parkway & Glenwood Ave., Mpls., 370-4903

Who'd have thought that a botany teacher's idea of hands-on learning would turn into one of the most quietly spectacular nature-watching spots around? It's hard to figure how the scant 13 acres can fit several kinds of forest, a prairie, an oak savannah and a bog, all without feeling cramped or artificial; it's the best kind of landscaping, not pretending to be entirely "natural," yet not feeling artificial. And spring is when the garden is in its glory. By the time you read this, the trilliums should be in bloom, along with the Canada anemone, Virginia bluebells, baneberry, foam flower, goldenseal, and wild ginger; there's also the marsh marigold, small-flowered buttercup, shooting star, Jacob's Ladder and Jack-in-the-Pulpit. Not to mention the spring beauty, columbine, wild geranium, and wood strawberry.

HIDEOUT AFTER HAVING COMMITTED A FELONY

CONSERVATORY

800 Nicollet Mall, Mpls.

Standing as one of the most ridiculous examples to date of the Minneapolis development machine gone crazy, shoppers and store clerks alike watched tentatively as the marble-heavy Conservatory mall opened and was officially hailed as representing a new, upward trend in downtown consumerism. The flower was not long on the bloom; novelty gave way to confused looks and questions like, "Have you seen the elevators?" and "Why are the escalators moving in the other direction today?" and "Can you give me directions to the Mall of America?" Stores moved out one by one, loans from the city were forgiven, bankruptcies were declared, and firesales were held, until all that was left was a structure so poorly designed and conceived that it's no good for anything except the wrecking ball.

LITTLE OLD MEN

DELMONICO'S

1112 N.E. Summer St., Mpls., 331-5466

For 66 years the little Italian deli Delmonico's has been sitting quietly on the edge of Northeast Minneapolis's Polk Park, and for 60 and 58 years respectively, the Delmonico brothers have been serving the sauce and sausage needs of discriminating folk. As soon as you approach the deli case, you're greeted with a charming blue-eyed wink and little samples of cheese and salami. They make prize-winning pickled peppers. They make very good sauce and sell it in mason jars. They make tons of fresh pasta, and only charge $1.99 a pound. They call you "darling." In fact, they provide such a pleasant alternative to the so frequently cruel and asinine stuff of life, that I go there just to chat and bask in the undemanding glory of crowded shelves of olives, homemade sausage, and fairly priced ravioli.

LITTLE OLD WOMEN

NYE'S POLONAISE ROOM

112 Hennepin Ave. E., Mpls., 379-2021

Sturdy, unflappable, level-headed souls with frosted hair, the ladies of Nye's juggle 21-year-olds fresh into drinking and 90-year-old regulars with the same clear-eyed equanimity. Their demeanor says something about hardscrabble Slavs, traveling from the icy plains of Eastern Europe to the icy plains of the midwest, something about the universal unifying threads of beer and sausage and cabbage, something about tolerance and timelessness.

LOCAL POLITICIAN

WALT DZIEDZIC, MINNEAPOLIS CITY COUNCIL MEMBER, FIRST WARD

You can complain about Walt all you want--how he's a ward-heeler, a bully, and less than open-minded at times. But there's one thing that distinguishes Minneapolis's longest-serving pol from most of the folks who get elected to office these days: He understands, with a century's worth of collective Nordeast experience behind him, that politics is a fight between what he likes to call the "civic elite" and the rest of us, and that the former are inevitably driven to screw the latter. Word is he may not run again in 1997. It's hard to see who'll pick up the slack when he's gone.

LOCAL SCENIC DRIVE

RIVER ROAD

Forget the lakes. Up one side and down the other, east and west, north and south, the River Road offers everything the parkways have--mansions, skaters and dog-walkers to gawk at, flora and fauna, plus some fantastic vistas. Lake St. alone will make your jaw drop if you hit the Marshall Ave. bridge right around sunset. Then park the damn car and head down into the shrubbery, along some of the hidden paths that lead to the water; in the spring and fall, stand on the bluffs and watch the eagles migrate. And then you can put in a call the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and let them know what you think of their plan to dam up what's left of the Old Man.

PLACE TO BLAST YOUR HEMI

UNIVERSITY AVE.

BETWEEN PORKY'S AND MONTGOMERY WARDS

St. Paul

Blasting the carbon out of your hemispherical combustion chamber may not be at the top of everyone's agenda; nevertheless, Saturday night finds gearheads from all walks of life showing off their chrome on the strip. It all starts at the classic Porky's Drive-In waiting in line for the "World's Best Hamburger" and revving your hemi so the next sucker in line can build his appetite by tasting your exhaust. Then, laying rubber at every possible stop light is mandatory. Finally, show off your two-tone to the gang at Ward's and head back down the strip. Now, do it 20 more times and call it a night.

PLACE TO GET A SHINER

JABZ

5812 W. 36th St., St. Louis Park, 925-0323

Class at Jabz is not the best place to daydream, since there's almost always a punching glove or a tennis-shoed foot on the way to your head. Designed by 1986 U.S. kickboxing champ Terry Norblom, the program--which caters to beginners as well as the advanced--is rigorous. Tomato faces and water gulpers can't help but show their true colors after an hour or more of kicking, jabbing, crossing, jumping, and listening to Terry bellow his head off.

PLACE TO GET AN HIV TEST

RED DOOR CLINIC

525 Portland Ave. S., Mpls., 347-2437

Wish they woulda chosen blue or green for the entryway, but most everything else about this free public health clinic is designed to ease the unease that brings most people in. Testing for HIV is completely anonymous, results take two weeks, and the staff is helpful and reassuring. They can provide referrals and advice on various sexual health matters, and the clinic offers free testing for other STDs as well. (Monday 11 a.m.-6:30 p.m.; Tuesday-Friday 8 a.m.-4 p.m.; walk-ins Tuesday-Friday 8 a.m.-11 a.m.)

PLACE TO HATE YOUR FELLOW MAN

FIRST AVENUE NORTH ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

Welcome to my nightmare: hordes of drunken, red-faced livestock stumbling down the sidewalk and into the street, hooting, braying, and shouting at passersby. In more dangerous cities, these sort of public displays are less common--knowing they might be shot or beaten senseless for annoying the wrong person, people tend to keep their shit in check. If our downtown is dying, this--along with the air-raid horn classical music broadcasts--is part of the reason why.

PLACE TO MEET A FUTURE EX-SPOUSE

6:30 A.M., STARBUCKS

IDS Center, 80 S. Eighth St., Mpls.

A survey of similarly single friends yielded the same tired responses: bars, churches, or arranged dates by friends. Those are for neophytes; I'm talking about a concentrated effort to secure future funding and economic stability, an orchestrated move up the socioeconomic ladder. Not just any old place will do, and timing is as essential as location. Powerbrokers and stockbrokers from nearby businesses converge at the early-morning hour to jump-start their hearts with a boost of caffeine. The smells of money and coffee mingle in the air, and the crisp, white shirts and freshly pressed suits of both the masculine and feminine ilk are aphrodisiacal for the seriously marriage-minded. Happy hunting!

POTHOLE

INTERSECTION OF LYNDALE AND FRANKLIN AVENUES, MPLS.

Upon entering this pothole, you'll first notice the craggy outcroppings left behind by a slow glacier during the Paleozoic era to the north, and to the south, a well-stocked petting zoo for the kids. If you're planning an overnight visit, best bet is the burro stable just above the ancient pueblo, where you can rent a pack beast--complete with supplies and Sherpa--for a trek into the canyon's bowels. Sunsets, seen from down below, cast an otherworldly glow over the hieroglyphic inscriptions along the grotto-like terrain: Ur-characters riding Broncos and Mustangs and Pintos, hauling fellow travelers from the wreckage of dark ravines, their axles shattered by wintry rubble. Don't forget to bring a large canteen, as the only running water is two miles down from the canyon's lip, where a lovely waterfall cascades into a sheltered pool (swim suits optional). Grand Pothole National Park is open year-round, and admission is free.

PUBLIC WORKS PROJECT

THE HENNEPIN AVE./LORING PARK TRIANGLE

This project, a so-called extension of Loring Park, is small consolation for the irreparable damage wrought by whatever evil jerks ripped up an elegant neighborhood of apartment buildings and hotels in order to run nine lanes of traffic by the front door of the Basilica. (Would St. Paulites even dream of doing this to their Cathedral?) So now, after months of disruption (and who knows how many $$$), we've got a couple of oversized median strips dividing up traffic in an only marginally more efficient and visually pleasant manner than before. We've got patches of grass, and some trees and old-fashioned lampposts stuck in among a forest of stoplights, street lights, parking meters, street signs and such. It's a slight improvement that, in our book, only increases the desire for a drastic change to this part of the city: We'll award a real prize when I-94 goes underground where it belongs.

URBAN MYTH

LAZY SWIMMERS

Minneapolis men are the least manly men in the U.S. of A. In line with a disturbing national and global trend, sperm counts here have plummeted over the past 50 years. Once-healthy sperm now pull themselves listlessly across microscope slides. Researching this phenomena, NIH and FDA scientists collected sperm samples from 40 urban and rural communities. Minneapolis's men rated dead last. Some have attributed the statistic to synthetic estrogen from outstate poultry operations, which has been measured in trace quantities in municipal tap water. Doctors in the University Hospital system have begun tracking abnormal breast development in metro-area men: a dozen confirmed cases, and counting. If you hadn't heard this before, you will now.

CIGAR-SMOKING EXPERIENCE

CAFÉ UN DEUX TROIS

Foshay Tower, 114 S. Ninth St., Mpls.,

673-0686

The semiannual cigar nights here are unrivalled. You can bring your own fatties, or enjoy the sample half-dozen you'll get at the door. And after a round of cocktails (previous events have featured small-distillery bourbons and exotic martinis), you get to puff away through a multi-course meal, which on our two visits were both exquisite, accompanied by a variety of excellent reds, whites, and ports. As novice smokers, the idea of cigars with dinner initially triggered our gag reflex. But with really good cigars (and the help of a couple of high-powered smoke-eating machines), the experience was surprisingly sublime. It ain't cheap--the last event clocked in at $75 a head--but it's worth every cent.

CLUB/BLUES

BLUES SALOON

601 N. Western Ave., St. Paul, 228-9959

It's in the blue-collar Frogtown neighborhood, above a bar that has some down-and-out regulars among its clientele. Ascend the dark, musty stairway and you come upon the quintessential blues joint, with its weathered wooden floor, broad, low-slung stage, bright acoustics, and unpretentious, beer-soaked ambience. The consensus among our freelance blues musician friends is that the Monday night jam session is loaded with tight riffs, wild solos, and an abiding sense of camaraderie. On weekends, top-notch veterans from hubs like Detroit, New Orleans, and Chicago (particularly), stop on by.

CLUB/JAZZ

DAKOTA BAR & GRILL

Bandana Square, St. Paul, 642-1442

With the rejuvenated Artists' Quarter in a cool new space, and ambitious concerts regularly staged at the U of M's Ted Mann Concert Hall (and, to a lesser extent, at the Walker Art Center, the Ordway, and the Orpheum and State Theaters), live jazz in the Cities has never been stronger. But the crown jewel on the scene remains the Dakota, a club with just the right mix of elegance and informality--blue jeans are OK, yet the food and the wine list are nationally renowned and the world's best jazz musicians generally perform in ties and sport coats. The place is owned by Lowell Pickett, a man whose TLC and respect for the musicians he books has prompted the likes of Roy Hargrove and Bobby Watson to thank him in their CD liner notes, and McCoy Tyner to dedicate a song to him at the end of a performance.

CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING

MURPHY-HANREHAN PARK RESERVE

15501 Murphy Lake Rd., Savage

Far and away the most scenic ski spot in the nearby metro, Murphy-Hanrehan Park Reserve in Savage has marvellous ramblin' hills and the perfect seclusion of labyrinthine wooded trails to make it the best and most challenging cross-country spot.

HAZELDEN TRANSPLANT

KELLEY DEAL

Who else? At first I was skeptical of Ms. Deal and the insta-fans she pulled merely with her name, her very public struggle with heroin, and past glory with the Breeders. Minnesotans always assume out-of-towners are better, particularly since it's been a while since any local rockers made it nationally. It turns out, though, that she's got the goods: original, intelligent songwriting; a cool but emotive voice (which she manages to distinguish from twin-sister Kim's); and rock-star charisma. I hope she stays in her solid state, and her band (the Kelley Deal 6000) stays in town--especially since they recruited the leader of Deformo (who are officially still together), a clownish brotherhood making mutant alt-rock as promising and original as anything heard here in a while.

MOVIE THEATER/DISCOUNT

RIVERVIEW THEATER

3800 42nd Ave. S., Mpls., 729-7369

The Riverview's classic lobby decor and the large theater with a huge screen and walls (oddly resembling the cover of the Who's Tommy) make even the hit-or-miss risk of seeing Hollywood schlock worthwhile. The Riverview is host to the wildly successful, ongoing "Cinema With Passion" series too, featuring such gun-fu masters as Jackie Chan and Chow Yun-Fat.

MOVIE THEATER/INDIE

UNIVERSITY FILM SOCIETY

Bell Auditorium & Nicholson Hall, U of M, Mpls., 627-4430

This gem of a film society has always been a saving grace when the Uptown and Lagoon theaters are too busy with Oscar winners and Hollywood's indie wannabe's. U Film has always had a taste for every occasion, be it renewing a kids' favorite (Babe), revealing a local work that could have slipped through the cracks (The Homeless Home Movie) and so many non-English, international pictures it's hard to know where to start. And they produce two very good and ever-expanding film festivals year after year (Rivertown and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Film Festival).

MOVIE THEATER/MULTIPLEX

LAGOON CINEMA

1320 Lagoon Ave., Mpls., 825-6006

For all the bitching about its tacky neon decor, unreliable schedule, and smaller-than-usual space, the Lagoon does make the word "multiplex" much more palatable. Name another five-plex where there's always something to see.

MOVIE THEATER/OFFBEAT

OAK STREET CINEMA

309 Oak St. S.E., Mpls., 331-3134

On its second wonderful year, Oak Street Cinema is like our very own film school, minus the exorbitant tuition. The repertoire is constantly changing, the schedules are smart and varied: Literary noir, Italian neo-realism, clever double features. One of the cooler new cultural centers to sprout up in the past few years.

MOVIE THEATER/POPCORN

THE PARKWAY

4814 Chicago Ave. S., Mpls., 822-3030

The Parkway, besides being one of the cheaper theaters in town, with a charming staff and family vibe, also takes a righteous underdog's pride in serving the best/cheapest drinks and popcorn around--with real butter. Nuff said.

MOVIE THEATER LOBBY

RIVERVIEW THEATER

3800 42nd Ave. S., Mpls., 729-7369

Esquivel's cocktail-jazzy "Space Age Bachelor Pad Music" should be piped into the retro-fab lobby of the Riverview. While most metro-area movie theater lobbies have all the personality of a doctor's waiting room, the Riverview obviously takes pride in keeping the torch burning for those who enjoy the event of going out to the movies.

MOVIE THEATER SEATS

ROSEVILLE 4 THEATERS

1211 Larpenteur Ave. W., Roseville, 488-4242

From the mouth of a survivor who watched the three-hours-plus of Dances With Wolves in a certain nameless discount theater's rock-hard seats, trust me, this is no laughing matter. Theater seats rank right under airplane seats as the most vexing problems in the man-made world. At the Roseville 4, soft, high-backed chairs offer legroom aplenty; and it's a discount house besides. A little oasis in the suburbs.

NON-INSTITUTIONAL PUBLIC ART

PATRICK MEYER'S HOLIDAY LIGHTS

3149 Colfax Ave. S., Mpls.

Demonstrating that there is a difference between tacky and kitschy, Patrick Meyer's house light displays--commemorating Valentine's, St. Patrick's, Easter, July 4th, Halloween and Christmas--reclaim those degraded holidays through guerrilla art. If excess defines the fin-de-siecle sensibility, Meyer's house is a sign of the times. His two-story stucco is loaded down with kitsch tableaux in lights and illuminated plastic figures that take 12 to 24 hours to mount. Taking symbols cheapened by commerce, Meyers reclaims them through extravagant displays that challenge the objects' popular valence, sending them up till they are freed from the consumer cult. Missed last month's illuminated rabbit family, the 5-foot carrot drawn in colored lights, the 2-foot luminous chickens and flood-lit, day-glo Easter baskets? Hang tight: Independence is just two months away.

PLACE TO FEEL OLD, FAT, AND UNDERDRESSED

SUNDAYS AT FIRST AVE.

701 First Ave. N., Mpls., 332-1775

Huddled in line outside First Ave. on a Sunday night, I smelled it for the first time in years: the tang of turned-on teenagers, innocent by reason of temporary hormonal insanity. Unlike the work-weary sad rags who show up at over-age shows, these kids adorn their baby fat with cartoonish style, emphasizing red-wine lips, naked skin, and barely sheathed curves. They throb en masse to anonymous thump music, trying to exorcise the high-school misery from all that luxuriant flesh, and we old folks retreat upstairs to the bar. I might be jealous if I had the energy.

PLACE TO SEE CARS AS ART

YESTERDAY'S AUTO SALES

2800 Lyndale Ave. S., Mpls., 872-9733

Al Hagen had a mint 1959 Ford Galaxie when he graduated from high school back in 1965. Now he's got an entire store full of classics, from a maroon 1937 Cord Beverly Sedan, which Hagen calls "the ultimate art deco car" to more typical models like 1960s Jaguars and Corvettes. Though technically the cars are for sale (they sell about 90 a year), Yesterday's Autos is a great place to browse and remember (or imagine) the days when cars were huge enough to take to a drive-in and cool enough to inspire cruising strips.

PLACE TO SEE NEW BANDS

TURF CLUB

1601 University Ave. W., St. Paul, 647-0486

Punk fights polka for the Turf Club stage as veteran two-steppers share the dance floor with mod moshers slamming the night away. The St. Paul Music Club initiated the change at this venue--complete with Kentucky Derby decor--to become the hottest spot east of the river (Midway hip?!). While the Uptown Bar succumbs to the rumored sports-bar abyss (amid protests and petitions) and the 24 Bar lies in rubble beneath the new Federal Reserve, thankfully, the Turf Club and the nearby Ace Box Bar (albeit sans sound system) have taken up the slack for Minneapolis.

PLACE TO TAKE HALLUCINOGENS

U OF M LANDSCAPE ARBORETUM

Here at City Pages, of course, we don't advocate the use of illicit substances. But knowledgeable sources have told us the Arboretum remains the most Edenic place within easy reach of the Twin Cities to expand one's consciousness, whatever your preferred method. Some go for the heady whiff of cherry blossoms in the spring; others favor the vibrant colors of fall. Either way, if you travel on weekdays, you'll find acres of wandering space with very few people (thus keeping paranoia factors to a minimum), and plenty of nature's bounty from which to contemplate the divine mysteries of life. As our sources always remind us, play safely and bring a designated driver.

PLACE TO WATCH YOUR HANDWRITING TURN ILLEGIBLE

JITTERS

1026 Nicollet Mall, Mpls., 333-8511

If you've been to Europe, you probably remember a quiet, warmly lit refuge where you drank wine and wrote postcards home. It wasn't exactly a bar--it was too well-lit and nobody was cruising; nor was it exactly a cafe--after all, you did get pretty sloshed. It's a shame our towns lack these hideaways, the kind of place you go when you just want to have a beer and write (or think, or talk). Filling the void admirably is Jitters, one of a handful of cafe bars in the Cities. It's got two large rooms (one for coffee, one for alcohol) divvied up into restaurant-style seating that grants patrons a sense of privacy (and protection from unwanted advances). The decor is an elegant but tongue-in-cheek hybrid of '40s/'50s/'60s sensibilities, the staff kind and unpretentious. Folk/jazz/ R&B/ mellow music every night 5-7 p.m., then from 9 till closing. Alcohol is served from 11 a.m. Open weekdays 6:30 a.m.-1 a.m.; weekends 8 a.m.-1 a.m.

PLACE TO WORK UP A SWEAT

THE VOLLEYBALL GYM

The Old Robbinsdale High

Intersection of Highway. 100 and 36th Ave. N., Robbinsdale, 536-8258

Every Friday and Sunday night starting around 5:30 p.m., head guru Rick Barto opens up two to four courts for an evening of killer spiking that goes till the last body drops, sometimes around 2 a.m. If you can set a "31," hit a "C," or serve a "floater," don't bring your credit card, bring $4 cash. Players get grouped together on teams, and those break down into smaller quads and doubles as the night wears on. Everybody still alive at the end goes out to Denny's for poultices and pancakes.

POOL HALL

CITY BILLIARDS

25 N. Fourth St., Mpls., 338-2255

Our criteria included price, plenty of space and tables, strong beer, and a place where rookies and women don't get stared down (or unwanted "advice"). City Billiards offers everything but the first; good pool does not come cheap. Games at City Billiards cost from $5 to $9 dollars an hour (remember, a 75-cent game at your local tavern can stretch out half the night, depending on what you're drinking). But if this means you don't have to put up with pool sharks hovering over you waiting their turn, then it's worth it. CB also features 13 beers on tap, including a selection of local microbrews. Open till 3 a.m. weekends.

ICE-SKATING RINK

LONGFELLOW COMMUNITY CENTER

35th St. & 35th Ave. S., Mpls., 370-4957

Lake of the Isles may be the place to go to be seen on skates, but for quality skating and the smoothest ice in town, head to Longfellow. With two hockey rinks and one large kidney-shaped figure-skating rink, there is nary a crack in sight since the park attendants make smoother ice than the Gophers' Zamboni.

URBAN LAKE

CEDAR LAKE

Minneapolis

Granted, the beach is not much. All dirt, no sand. The water supports a rich ecosystem of aquatic algae. And the clothing-optional mud baths (allegedly the summer residence of a corpulent idiot savant) are frightening. But where else can one see so many punk rock kids and dozens of their soggy, mangy dogs? Dope-soaked El Camino drivers with third-degree sunburn on hackey sack detail? Only at Cedar Lake.

VERTICAL AXIS TRANSPORT SYSTEM

HENNEPIN COUNTY GOVERNMENT CENTER

300 S. Sixth St., Mpls.

Elevator-riding as entertainment? Yes, we say--yes! A fleet of swift, handsome chariots flank the dark and placid fountain in the lobby of Hennepin County's bureaucratic ground zero. And with a stomach-dropping acceleration of 2 g's (estimated/exaggerated), this muscle machine will shoot you to the top of Hennepin County's great glass-covered toaster in an ear-popping 16.4 seconds.

ALTERNATIVE TO PIZZA DELIVERY

GOURMET EXPRESS

5110 Cedar Lake Rd.

St. Louis Park, 545-0222

With menus from over 30 different restaurants, Gourmet Express is ever speedy and courteous. For a $5-$7 service charge, a driver will bring you delights from the likes of Christos (Greek hash, dreamy dolmates, tavas, and keftedakia are always tasty), Sawatdee (goong pad prig king and shrimp salad with fresh lemon grass beat out cheese pizza any day), and the Pickled Parrot (the Louisiana-style gumbo will cure all ills). And hey, don't forget to tip your driver.

APPETIZER

PALOMINO

825 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 339-3800

Ah, to linger in the lap of power dining. But what if you can't afford the whole kit and kaboodle? At Palomino you can impress anyone with a drink and snack that will make them forget all about the main course. The tapas (red cabbage, onion, and apple empanadillas, bruscetto with serrano ham and shaved melons, pork tenderloin pinchof with figs and prunes, and Albóndigas "meatballs" in saffron-cream sauce, to name a few, all under $5) featured on the menu are the perfect way to sample a wide variety of titillating tidbits. For a couple more bucks, you could fill up on the likes of wood oven-roasted mushrooms and mussels, roasted garlic and tomato chutney, or a nice fat plate of bruscetto sampler.

BAR/BLOODY MARY

NIKKI'S

107 Third Ave. N., Mpls., 340-9098

Bad Marys are legion. Briny or thin, too tomatoey or white with horseradish, even some so full of garnish they're better eaten with a fork. Avoid these foul Marys, and put yourself in the competent hands of the folk at Nikki's. Served in tall glasses, garnished with a tasteful pepperoncini and a charming green olive, Nikki's Mary is spicy, fresh, tomatoey, hearty--and not chunky. In short, the soul of balance, and an elegant companion to Nikki's renowned brunch. And come the evening--well, perhaps the mighty bard said it best: "Foul cocktails breed foul mornings, so search thee out a decent place to get a drink and you'll be way happier."

BAR/DECOR

THE LOUNGE

411 Second Ave. N., Mpls., 333-8800

A red carpet and a bushy green plant on the sidewalk--that's all there is outside to draw the eye to this little hole in the wall. Inside is a different story. Dark and elegant, The Lounge is the perfect place to sip a martini from a slender-stemmed glass. The sleek space gives the impression of being larger than it really is, with different "rooms" and hallways, some low with polished coffee tables and overstuffed couches, others open and airy with dining room tables and straight-backed chairs, all brightly painted in regal red and blue with heavy red drapes to shut out the streets. Replete with the occasional lounge act, this is the place to unwind beautifully; here even the clumsiest slob will feel graceful and polished.

BAR/GAY

THE GAY NINETIES

408 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 333-7755

Saturday night dogma has been firmly established: young hardbodies flex a few times and descend upon the Saloon (fiercely dancing and fiercely drinking, fiercely), and everyone else puts on their best shoes and slimming slacks, and heads for the Gay Nineties. It's hard to say what the top draw is--the famous gold booths, the alternately gorgeous and hilarious strippers, the matchless people-watching, the mix of the very young and the very old, the laughing, the talking, the dancing, or the eating (especially since they put in the nondrinking-friendly coffee area and a swell full-service restaurant). Or maybe it's just that those of us with less than washboard stomachs like to eat, dance, and make merry too.

BAR/LESBIAN

CLUB METRO

733 Pierce Butler Rte., St. Paul, 489-0002

If New Year's Eve's blowout bash was any indication, '96 is going to be a blowout year at St. Paul's Club Metro. They already have so much--salads as big as your head, whopping prime rib plates, a wacky/fruity make-your-own-wine-cooler thing, 2-for-1 drinks every day till 7 p.m., karaoke, pool, darts, interactive trivia--and now mid-May sees the opening of a two-story, black-lit, super-amped house & techno basement dance space called the Underground. Looks like the Metro is following in the illustrious, crowd-pleasing steps of the Gay Nineties, drawing young and old, smoking and non-, eating and non- to their six bars and occasional outdoor festivals--like this June's Carnival For Pride. Club Metro's longtime presence on the scene has garnered it a national reputation, making it something of a civic treasure--a big-city bar, leavened with Midwestern friendliness. Did I mention it's the safest bar around too? They've only had one bar-fight in the past year, and the parking lot is patrolled by in-house security.

BAR/MARGARITA

COYOTE CAFE

528 Hennepin Ave., Mpls., 338-1730

They know their margaritas here, the basic as well as the bedecked. It's $2.95 for a regular made with Rose's lime, Cuervo Gold, triple sec, and Coyote's special sweet-and-sour mix. If your day's been such that you need to go beyond the plain, go flavored ($3.75) with blue (is that a flavor?--anyway, made with curacao, it's a fine-looking drink), watermelon, peach, strawberry, midori, and anything else you can drum up for their bartenders. Potent stuff; down one at lunchtime and you might even return to work liking your job.

BAR/NON-ALCOHOLIC