BEST PLACE TO GET DUMPED - 2006
Mall of America
Being at the Mall of America is tantamount to suffering a few hours of agony anyway, right? What's a little heartache to go with it? It might even make being at the mall more fun. Let's look at some key considerations in breakup-siting: Is there enough privacy to salvage your pride? Well, no, but there's loads of anonymity, which should be a suitable substitute. Would your memories of the place be tainted? Quite possibly. But do you really want to go back there again? Probably not. If you do, though, not to worry: The stores and kiosks change often enough, and the mall is so durn ginormous it's kind of like an entire city. You could probably just avoid the particular points of latitude and longitude at which the dumping took place. Now, on to the healing (the mall is so well equipped to handle your dumping needs, you'll begin to wonder if this is why malls were put on the earth in the first place): 1) Gorging. Getting dumped will require a Mud Pie Blizzard with chocolate-chip-cookie-dough bits swirled in, or a gluttonous facsimile. The mall has this extensively covered. It is an ice cream mecca. 2) Shopping therapy. Again, covered. We don't need to explain this. 3) Drinking. There should still be a few survivors of the great Fourth-Floor Bar Purge of 2005. By all means, get loaded. 4) Vegas wedding. At the Chapel of Love, you may legally exchange marital vows. Call an old high school pal and get yourself a 55-hour marriage to get over your Justin Timberlake, uh, boyfriend. 5) Self improvement. Spas, water massage joints, and hair salons abound. Shit, you can go back to school in an attempt to improve yourself/impress your former flame. (Well, you can go to National American University. It has a Mall of America campus.) 6) Transportation. When it's all over, you can hop on the light rail and get yourself out of there relatively not bad off. And let's not forget 7) Optimism. If Mallrats taught us anything, it's that Minnesota malls (the movie was shot at the Eden Prairie Mall, pre-makeover) are the perfect place to ruin a live, pilot episode of a rip-off dating-game show and win back your lost love forever.