BEST PLACE TO DUMP SOMEONE - 2006
Let's face it: If you're going to publicly dump someone, chances are you care less about looking like a callous ass than you do about ridding yourself of this clingy bastard for good. Unless you're a total weasel, it's likely you've tried ending it before in private, during an after-dinner discussion that almost always begins with, "Ummm, I think we need to talk," a sentence that turns the other person's thorax into a ball of steel that could choke Andre the Giant. Or perhaps you tried the next best thing, breaking up with them over takeout McDonalds: "You're McDumped." However, if neither of those worked, there's Southdale mall. Tell the creep you have to work late, and you'll meet at the mall instead of driving together. The best time to go is on a Saturday night, when the lines are eight layers deep. (With a mouth-breathing Vin Diesel fan delivering hot air on the soon-to-be dumped one's nape, there's little chance even the most volatile dumped dude will make a scene.) Determine in line that you'll see one of the 16-screen theater's completely innocuous offerings, like Ice Age 2 or Scary Movie 36, and then deliver the news: "I think we should just be friends...starting now." Then, while the recently dumped stands there stunned, suggest you stay and see the movie as friends, an event that will last less than two hours and, thankfully, requires silence. When the movie's over, simply get in your car, drive home, and turn off the cell phone for at least three days. Dumped well done.