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BEST POLKA BAND Minneapolis 2005 - Lady Hard-On

For whatever reason, Lady Hard-on open every show they play, which means in the past year they've left hordes of otherwise well-prepared performers with the impossible task of following the best Siamese-sister polka act we've ever seen. (Okay, we hadn't previously seen conjoined siblings do the oompah before, and these sisters are only playacting their sideshow spectacle, but, like, exactly). The dueling accordion-and-organ ditties of Lady Slipper and Lady Pleasure clock in at around 30 seconds apiece, which turns out to be exactly the limit of our patience for off-key jingle covers ("All-American Recreation/All we sell is fun") and deadpan raunchiness ("Teabaggin'/It's the sensation that's sweepin' the nation"), the latter of which achieves the height of ironic hip when delivered by semi-interested girls in French-maid outfits (or German dirndls, or whatever) pretending to be joined at the hip. For the curious--and there's no shortage of curiosity at these shows--the sisters even offer some anatomical clarity. "They only had one," they bemoan during their longest number, the minute-long tale of a tampon search through the vending machines of Mexico. "And we needed two."

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