BEST PLACE TO GET DUMPED - 2005
Hennepin County Medical Center (HCMC)
This is a tricky one, so let's commence by ruling out a few more obvious options. Some may think it's best to be dumped in the comfort of your own home. You can slam shut the door, bury your face in the pillow, and sob away. But getting dumped sucks. Why associate such trauma with home? It might permanently stain your view of the place, forcing you to pack up and move. (As long as we're being honest, remember this: The hassles of moving can be even more traumatic than getting dumped). Others among you might argue in favor of a bar or nightclub. To this way of thinking, such venues offer the attractive option of an instant hook-up to erase the memory of the ex--or, at the least, ample liquor to deaden the pain. Alas, such balms offer only fleeting relief. When you wake up in the morning (in some icky stranger's bed), chances are you'll only feel more pathetic. So where is it best to wind up? Let us consider the steps of the HCMC. True, it is a hospital, and hospitals are dreadful, depressing places. But in the event you should suffer a major mental malfunction in the wake of your dumping, HCMC is staffed with professionals who can tie you to the gurney, pump you full of sedatives, and, in a worst-case scenario, hold you in the psych ward. Alternately, you can simply loiter in the waiting room of the emergency ward, survey the breadth of human suffering on display, and console yourself with an indisputable fact: A lot of things in life are much, much worse than getting dumped. If that doesn't work, it's not much of a walk to downtown watering holes where you can try Plan B: get drunk and look for love in all the wrong places.