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BEST VICTIM Minneapolis 2003 - Kirby Puckett

Forget the unseemly scuffle in the bathroom stall. Forget that his ex-wife and ex-mistress joined forces and blabbed to local and national media about what a creep he is. Forget that the speedy little Puck has ballooned to the point of wearing a size 56 suit. Forget, even, that Puckett's attorney Chris Madel whined: "It seems strange to me that this is the way the county attorney thanks Kirby Puckett for all he has done for the state of Minnesota." No, Kirby really got screwed that fateful night at the Redstone restaurant in Eden Prairie when he finally reached for the tab. According to Strib gossip columnist C.J., Puckett and Co.--two Minneapolis cops, one retired and one still active--racked up $596.60 on 32 martinis, eight glasses of wine, eight beers, five more cocktails, and a round of shots, along with a salad, some side dishes, and a piece of chocolate cake. Puck, being the generous guy that he is, tipped $109.69 before he got set up by that two-bit floozy. That's more than $700 for his big night out, not counting attorney's fees. Knowing that, it's really hard to not feel for the guy--he was acquitted, fer crissakes--and think that maybe he should get his money back for all that trouble.

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