BEST PLACE TO DUMP SOMEONE - 2002
You can learn a lot about being a sensitive and honest individual by watching an art-house film. Ha-ha! We lied! You don't learn much of anything at all. But after paying to sit through a sappy romance, you'd better be sure you've observed enough to fake it. After all, if you've decided that you and your date are headed for Splitsville, you have to make sure that Big Mouth doesn't go yapping to all the other eligible single people about what a coldhearted freak you are. So you spend two hours in a place where the two of you can't possibly make eye contact (dark theaters work nicely), you take note of the kind of flowery dialogue uttered by an Italian guy who wears his hair in a ponytail, and you learn how to write your own screenplay entitled How to Dump...What Was Your Name Again?, um, I mean How to Forever Remain True Friends With Your Ex. Then you leave the theater and begin Lesson One. Instead of: "Gee, [insert name here], you're just not as well-endowed as I expected under that [blouse/pair of jeans]," try: "I have decided to end things here, at our love's most cinematic moment!" Instead of "Thank God I'll never have to watch you pick your teeth in public again," try: "Kiss me goodbye, passionately, just like the characters in the movie we just saw!" One thing to watch for: If Weepy whines, "What the hell are you talking about? We just watched Best in Show!" then, amore, you better have a Lesson Two on backup.