BEST STATE FAIR FOOD - 1999
Every August, the Lord proves His divinity unto His multitudes. He takes swords and beats them into plowshares, and He stacks these on a hill. And His people come to this Machinery Hill to be closer to the Kingdom. He gives them cows broad of back, and pigs fat and fertile. He brings all the birds together under one roof in a communion like Noah never gathered, and he says unto them to make a joyous noise. And, lo, the noise is joyous! He calls AM talk-show hosts and nubile weatherwomen and he gives them fleet tongues to speak the gospel to the flocks. And His people gather around these priests and they wave in ecstasy before the microphones, for great is His power. And then He dispenses 3.2 percent libations, and He instructs the faithful to drink them. And, lo, they drink until they are drunk with His glory. He tries, in His goodness, to shelter them from the fallen angels who run diversions along the Midway. These demons speak false witness, promising rewards that only He, in his magnificence, can deliver. For it is He who takes the oil of the kernel and the lard of the swine and heats it in a vast cauldron until bubbles rise to the surface. It is He who shows His chosen people how to drop golden batter atop this awesome ablution. And mighty is the sizzle! And the batter is tested over the flame of His wisdom, but its virtues are always true. For thine is the Holy trinity of the waffle and the doughnut and the sugar for ever and ever. Amen.