Let us tell you something about those most splendid young people who operate the Gopher Dairy Club concession a few cows' lengths from the public milking parlor. Every one of them is a virgin. This is a fact; you can tell just from looking at them. Only the purest hands are allowed to attach metal suction cups to a glistening row of udders, and when these kids enroll on the ag campus in St. Paul, they take a vow of chastity. It's also a fact that not one of them has ever had a pimple: When you're breast-fed until age 12, like all these kids were, your skin stays as creamy as a cup of crème fraîche. And it makes for a special communion with the family bovidae, the kind of lasting bond that inspires the beasts to give their very best. Fact is, some of these kids speak cow. Is it any wonder that the milk shakes--strawberry, chocolate, vanilla--have been given special status as a national heirloom by the World Trade Organization? Or that each year's vintage goes into storage in a special refrigerated vault at the Smithsonian Institution? Every word of this is true.


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >