Watching Gilmore Girls for the first time

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For those who aren't familiar, Gilmore Girls follows the wacky adventures of a mom and her daughter as they live, laugh, and love their way through the ups and downs of lady life. Along the way they fall in love, have adventures, and drop an infinite number of dated pop-culture references. Despite the lack of substance, the show lasted seven seasons, and will soon be resurrected as a Netflix miniseries. 

This weekend, Gilmore Girls gurus Kevin T. Porter and Demi Adejuyigbe will visit the Woman's Club of Minneapolis for a live taping of their Gilmore Guys podcast. Each week, the guys choose a Gilmore Girls episode to analyze, dissect, and celebrate. This week, they will be digging into season six, episode 11: “The Perfect Dress.” While super-fans may already be well aware of the story, I got to thinking: What about people – especially guys – who have never seen the show? What should they know? 

To prepare, I sat down and watched the episode with no prior knowledge of the storyline, characters, or pretty much anything past the title. Then, I wrote a recap. 

Opener: Okay, we’re in a diner and some socially awkward guy thinks he’s allowed to just walk behind the counter and serve himself coffee. The “cool guy” owner/manager (we know he’s cool because he’s wearing his hat backward) tells him he can’t do that, as walking behind the counter is only reserved for chicks he’s sleeping with. 

All right, the Gilmore girls just walked in. We know that they’re the Gilmore girls because the first thing they did was announce themselves as “the Gilmore girls!” Apparently they just returned from a trip. The mom, Lorelai, has already apologized for making drunken phone calls to her boyfriend and discussed her love of video poker, and we are only 93 seconds into the episode. Homegirl has demons.

The daughter, Rory, looks like she’s about 15 (and is dressed like every angsty Avril Lavigne fan of the early-2000s), but apparently just turned 21, hence the reason for the trip.

Sidenote: Holy hell is this dialogue fast. They are plowing through dated pop-culture references like they’re running out of oxygen.

Okay, so the trainwreck mom got her daughter supes-wasted for her belated 21st birthday. Got it. And there go the opening credits.

Act 1: Rory is packing to go back to school, but she’s freaking out because she accidentally stole a community service vest from the state. SHOCKER: This kid has had issues with the law. I wonder if her shitty upbringing has anything to do with this?

Anyways, the mom is pissed, because the daughter has to see a therapist for some reason. Never mind, we’re all apparently good about the therapy thing because they just made a joke and let it blow over. 

Oh shit! Melissa McCarthy is in this show? She’s the irresponsible mom’s bestie. Did they know she would be the breakout star? She’s going to be in fucking Ghostbusters, and the Rory kid is doing…Gilmore Girls Netflix reboot. Huh.

All right, so now they’re picking out a wedding dress (hence the title of the episode). Trainwreck mom is getting married, and Melissa McCarthy is insisting on helping.

This is boring.

Okay cool, Rory is moving into an apartment with some other chick, who is talking about how dangerous the neighborhood is. Now there’s another roommate (a dude) and they’re wrestling while wearing boxing headgear. SHIT IS REAL IN THE HOOD.

Back to Lorelai and Melissa McCarthy (I’m refusing to learn her character’s name). They’re going to try on wedding dresses. 

Hold up! I just realized that the actress (Lauren Graham) was the chick from Bad Santa who had a Santa-fetish. She has range, I'll give her that.

Jesus, back to Rory already. She’s stalking her professor for some reason. Also, if she’s living in such a “bad” part of town, why is everyone so clean-cut? The street cred of this show is dwindling.

Oh! Now the bro who played Tucker Max in the Tucker Max movie is trying to spit game on Rory! He's Tucker Max, so he's going to have sex with her, right?

Wait, nope. She walked away. 

Lorelai is back at the diner. She bought a dress, now she’s all fired up talking to backwards hat guy about all of her wedding planning. This dude looks shaken. Clearly he’s freaked about committing to an irresponsible, alcoholic single mom with impulse-control issues. RUN, COOL GUY. RUN.

Back to Rory. Wait, she goes to Yale? She doesn’t seem smart enough for Yale. Apparently she’s also on the paper, and her editor is a monster bitch. Question: Is Yale in the 'hood? Because the geography in this show is really fucking me up. Anywho, bitchy editor is showing Rory that she’s all business, and now Tucker Max is back! He’s a total badass, which I know for a fact because he is both a) wearing a leather jacket; and b) leaning back in his chair all cool-like. So dope.

Act 2: Lorelai is visiting Rory in her apartment and she’s pissed about how dangerous it looks. Seriously? Holy glass houses. Anyways, mom ain’t feeling it, and now they’re going to lunch to discuss. 

Oh, there’s also another mom/daughter combo that they’ve cut to a couple of times. I think this is a total throwaway B-story, so I’m not even going to bother.

Back to the Gilmore Girls, who are now discussing Rory’s flophouse. And by that I mean they’re eating pizza and Rory is telling her mom how “this is what college is all about!” Ugh, we’re back to talking about Lorelai’s wedding dress. Now she’s wigging out about whether she should be getting married or not, because there are “signs” that it might not be the right move. This chick is batshit. Luckily, Rory convinces her mom everything is tight and we cut away.

Cool backwards hat guy is meeting with some chick unannounced. They apparently have history. Clearly they boned, because he’s wearing a backwards hat which clearly means he’s irresistible to chicks. Yep, confirmed. They boned.

Now they’re talking about their past. This is super boring. When is Tucker Max coming back? Also, there was some sort of baby drama that happened. Not sure what, but it sounds like it was a long time ago. This story is taking a weird turn.

Act 3: Tucker Max is straight-up stalking Rory. He’s waiting for her outside of her apartment. Ease-up, chief. Now they’re fighting, which is dumb because they aren’t even dating anymore. Tucker tells Rory he loves her, Rory shoots him down.

Now we’re in the therapist’s office (I completely forgot this was a thing. This show moves really fast). Rory and the therapist are totally raging at each other within 15 seconds. THIS JUST IN: Rory apparently got arrested in the past for stealing a boat (possibly why she broke up with Tucker?), and she has a married ex-boyfriend who she lost her virginity to. What in the actual fuck is happening right now? Rory is having a breakdown. This show has come off the rails.

Cut back to socially awkward bro, who is helping backwards hat guy get on the internet. Just two cool dudes, looking at a little girl’s website on the street. Is this his daughter? Did he knock that other chick up? I need answers, but nope! They cut back to the rando other mom and daughter. This helps nothing!

After a quick break we’re back to Lorelai, who is weirded out because the dog is barking at her wedding dress. MORE SIGNS. Now Rory is calling. Sidenote: How many times do these two talk each day? When I was in college I talked to my mom like, twice in four years. This is weird.

Lorelai is pissed because Rory is going to continue going to therapy. But in true Loreali fashion, she makes a joke, hangs up, and goes back to staring at her dress. Mom of the year, you guys.

Backwards hat guy just called and yelled at his baby mama for some reason, then went over to Lorelai’s house. She just came downstairs wearing her wedding dress. Hat guy looks freaked, and rightfully so.

Cue soft music. Hat guy says she looks perfect. Now they’re kissing. And fade to black.

I have no idea what I just watched.

IF YOU GO:

Gilmore Guys Live

Saturday, March 5

7-9 p.m.

Woman's Club of Minneapolis

$20

Click here for details


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