Valentine's Day horror stories and the people who cause them
Bad news: Today is February 2. You know what's coming soon and you know that there's nothing you can do about it.
It seems like almost everyone has at least one awful Valentine's Day story in their past. Whether it was a romantic dinner gone terribly wrong, a misguided gift, or a boyfriend who paid you to go out with him, only to turn around and become too cool for you, but then later redeem himself by riding off into the sunset with you on his riding lawnmower.
Everyone has been a victim of a bad V-Day, and I'm no different. There's just one small catch.
I'm the problem.
Like a sexy destroyer of romantic worlds, I've somehow managed to ruin Valentine's Day for many a lucky lady over the years. Just to be clear: I don't do it on purpose. But I believe that everyone has a special gift, and mine happens to be making chicks get mad the second the calendar hits February 1. Don't believe me? Hop on my lawnmower of memories and check out some of my greatest hits from V-Days past.
Valentine's Day 1998
I was in the 10th grade, and had just started dating a girl named Amanda Peterson*. Valentine's Day arrived, and like most intelligent, thoughtful, and romantic teenagers, I completely forgot to get her a present. Instead of admitting my mistake, I dug through my closet and found a stuffed dog that my previous girlfriend had given me as a gift the year before. I snatched it up and brought it over to Amanda's house (still unwrapped, of course), thinking that an awkward petting-fest was headed my way. The only problem was that my old girlfriend was Amanda's best friend (for the record, I think that dating your BFF's BF is way shadier than anything I did). It just so happened that they were together the year before when she bought the dog. You can probably guess what happened next (Hint: not awkward petting-fest).
*Name changed to protect her identity. And because I'm on a big Can't Buy Me Love kick this week.
Valentine's Day 2002
It just so happens that my dad's birthday is the day before Valentine's Day. I was in college at the time and chose to go home and visit him, promising my girlfriend that I would be back the next day for a romantic evening followed by an awkward petting-fest (I was a late bloomer. Don't judge me).
That night, my Dad and I ended up getting kind of drunk and one of us (or both of us, depending on who you believe) started texting from my phone. The next day I checked my messages to find that we had broken up over text.
My dad may or may not have dumped my girlfriend on V-Day. To this day no one knows for sure.
Valentine's Day 2000
In 12th grade, I went out on a double date to see She's All That with my best friend and some girl he was really into (Sexy dating note: A double date apparently means two girls and two guys. Therefore the M-M-F combo we had doesn't really count, but whatever). To make things more awkward, the girl kept flirting with me all night, but I blew it off since I'm a good friend. Later, I found out that she had been interested in me the whole time and my friend knew it, and he was just a huge c-block. I didn't really ruin anything that time, but I'm still bitter because she was way developed for her age. Haters gonna hate.
Fortunately, as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser. That means this year I'll be playing it cool and keeping the holiday of romance cruising along smoothly with a sexy trip to Treasure Island Casino for Pull Tab Mania. Go ahead and dream about that, ladies of the world.
Do you have a horrific Valentine's Day story that blows Patrick's tales out of the water? Share your memory with us via email at email@example.com. No tall tales--we want true train wrecks only. We'll post the best stories--anonymously, of course--next week with the chance to win prizes.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Minneapolis & St. Paul and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.