Let's not mince words: Strip clubs are the best.
No matter what your opinion is on what goes on inside, chances are at some point during your life you will step foot inside of a strip club. And while some people have a less appealing experience than others (i.e. too many pregnant strippers, not enough pregnant strippers, etc.), strip clubs are still magical places full of mystery, wonder, and, in some cases, hot dogs.
Fortunately for us, the Twin Cities has tons of great strip clubs perfect for connoisseurs of all tastes and experience levels. That also means there is a lot of garbage.
This week, we're helping you to choose the best possible strip club to meet your needs, with our countdown of the top five strip clubs in the Twin Cities. Let the debate begin.
*Note: These are not listed in any order, because comparing strip clubs is like comparing your kids; you love them all equally, but differently.
When it comes to finding a combination of quality dancers, quality booze, and quality location, it's tough to beat Seville. Located right across the street from First Avenue, it's a prime spot for Twins and Timberwolves fans coming or going from Target Field or Target Center -- or Target employees headed home from work. The atmosphere is actually really upscale, and the booze selection is top notch. This is a strip club that is filled with (mostly) non-creepy bros, and usually hosts a combination of curious couples, fancy businessmen looking for a night out, and bachelor and birthday parties. It's the perfect club for both experienced strip-club fans and first-timers. (15 Glenwood Ave., Minneapolis; 612.465.8777)
This is where you go when you're looking for one-stop shopping. Located next door to Sex World (it's actually attached), Sinners is the perfect one-two punch for fans of sexy shopping. You want DVDs and toys? Boom; hit up Sex World. You want to graduate to the real thing? Boom; Sinners. The only downfall of Sinners is that it's alcohol-free on account of it being fully nude, but if you love energy drinks as much as you love full-frontal nudity, this is the club for you. (121 Washington Ave. N., Minneapolis; 612.746.0666)
Not down with having to choose between full nudity and a full bar? Shoot out to Inver Grove Heights, where the King of Diamonds has got them both. They've got booze -- with beer and drink specials every day of the week -- $10 table dances all day, and "additional features." What kinds of mysterious features, you ask? How about the fact that the club isn't that far from the Mall of America?! That means you can hit up Nickelodeon Universe AND see nudity in the same day! And you can get drunk at both! (6600 River Rd., Inver Grove Heights; 651.455.3886)
Two words: lunch specials.
Any place can serve you a steak, seafood, and beer, but how many places can do it for just $6? Oh, and you can watch a woman strip at the same time. Just one: Rick's (Golden Corral was in the running until that last part. Well, most Golden Corrals anyways). Rick's has a fantastic lunch that is surprisingly delicious and impressively affordable. Plus, every person should experience that awesome feeling at least once in his or her life of leaving a strip club at 12:30 p.m. on a workday smelling like garlic mashed potatoes and perfume. We call it "The Aroma of Winners." (300 S. Third St., Minneapolis; 612.321.0488)
We saved the best for last. First, let's talk about the things that make Déjà Vu less than ideal: no booze, less-then-optimal location (over in the North Loop). Now, the thing that makes it amazing: free hot dog bar. Go ahead, let that sink in.