Friday, October 11, 2013 at 9:54 a.m.
Three bags of fun-sized Snickers bars? Check. Slutty Iron Man costume? Check. DVR set to record every showing of Hocus Pocus? Check. Seems like you've got everything need for the best Halloween ever. But what about your pets?
Finding the right costume for your dog or cat is the most important part of the season, and can be the difference between having the most adorable/frightening/loveable Halloween ever, and spending the entire night of October 31 in your house alone, watching six straight hours of Hocus Pocus.
While it may seem cute and harmless to dress your pet up, the reality is that Halloween can be a touchy holiday for our four-legged friends. That's why this week we're helping you avoid three key pitfalls of animal dress-up.
Let's be clear: There is no better investment you can make than a dinosaur costume for your pet. Not only do they look adorable, but they will strike fear into the hearts of other dogs and cats you may encounter. Plus, these costumes offer the most coverage, making them perfect for slightly heavier four-legged Halloween partiers. However, be warned that they may get teased or bullied by other animals at your spooky pet-friendly mixer for looking sort of dorky. Make sure you tell them to sit and stay next to another animal dressed as a Star Wars character. That should handle it.
On paper, it seems like such a great idea. You have a wiener dog, and you're going to dress him up like a hot dog. It's genius...if you're a complete monster. It's a known fact that wiener dogs live in constant fear of accidentally being eaten, and dressing them up like their namesake is only going to make them more self-conscious. Save the food-related costumes exclusively for cats. They give zero shits about being eaten.
Fur to Win
In people-land, the sexy costume is the go-to for most college ladies, cougars, and poorly-parented children. In animal world, however, it's just straight-up sexy fun. Until it's not. Check out Strip N' Dog:
You leave him alone at your Halloween pet blowout, and someone is guaranteed to be spitting out a litter of puppies. Next thing you know he has to give up his youth and get some job in a factory to support his illegitimate family, he starts drinking to cope with the pain, then one day he wakes up and blames you for problems. Do you want that on your conscience? Oh, and don't think this is just a guy thing. Take a look at Harem Dog:
You let her out of the house looking like that and you don't even know how many dog-bros are going to be sniffing her lady parts. One year later, you're stuck raising a bunch of puppies and don't even know who the baby daddy is. Worst of all, once they get to their teenage years they start acting out because they don't have a strong male role model in their lives, and they bring home bad news dogs with names like "Tank." Or even worse, they start dating a cat just to piss you off.
Halloween can be the most fun day of the year for pets and their owners. But just like the people who buy that awful generic orange and black taffy for trick or treaters, if you don't plan ahead you may end up cleaning up a giant mess on your lawn and trying to understand why no one wants to talk to you on November 1.