Wednesday, January 18, 2012 at 1:09 p.m.
Hey bros, bad news: It's January. You know how you can tell? Two words: Katherine Heigl.
Every holiday season, the motion picture industry gets caught up in a marathon Oscar-bating session with dozens of weak biopics about reasonably important historical figures (mark my words, within the next three years we will see Ray Liotta as Steve Jobs in Jobs: Behind the Turtleneck
), or movies starring George Clooney where he, like, totally DOESN'T play "George Clooney."
And then comes the dark month of January.
During this time, fans of awesome tough-guy movies are forced to put our bro-cards aside and spend our money watching the prissy leftover sludge that the movie studios have floating around in the bottom of their respective barrels, which get pushed out during the January-April period, a time when folks in the Midwest will literally do anything to keep ourselves occupied (how many people went to that shitty Red Bull skating thing last week? I rest my case). The biggest perpetrator of the sludge movie period? K-Heig.
Yep, the winter months are pretty much the worst time to be a movie fan. Until now.
To help you battle back against Katherine Heigl and her angry, violent, chain-smoking legion of fans during the winter months, we've gone ahead and turned to our trusty Netflix streaming to find three of the best tough guy movies and TV shows that you probably don't know about, but are guaranteed to keep you chugging Coors Light and bro-ing out all winter long.
I. Pulling John
John Brzenk is the toughest dude you've never heard of. Maybe the toughest dude in the world.
That's because Big John is the undisputed arm-wrestling king, and this doc about the world's toughest sport (except professional stabbing, obviously) demonstrates his dominance over the past two decades. Watch as John travels the world battling all challengers, including young gun Travis Bagent and Russian powerhouse Alexy Voevoda. With superstar names like this, how can you say no?
Guaranteed after just one viewing, you'll be lifting kegs in your basement and challenging flannel-clad bros to tests of strength at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill in no-time.
II. The Karate Kid: The Animated Series
Awwww yeaaaah! You like Daniel LaRusso and Mr. Miyagi wailing on dudes with karate? Are you down with solving mysteries? Then you're going to go H.A.M. for this '80s cartoon series, available in its entirety right now on Netflix streaming (it's only 13 episodes, but it still counts as a series, right?).
Take an animated adventure into the world of an elderly Asian man, a young teenage boy, and a random girl named Taki who jet set across the globe to battle ghosts, magic, and rainbows. This is the PERFECT choice for bros who dig fighting, rainbows, and teenage boys!
III. Bloodsport 4
Let's be clear about one thing: Bloodsport is arguably the greatest cinematic classic of all time. We're not really sure how it never won an Oscar, but it definitely won a place in the hearts of tough bros everywhere. So, what do you do when you have a can't-miss hit? Make a sequel, of course! Then make another. And ANOTHER.
Bloodsport 4: The Dark Kumite features the story of some guy who isn't Van Damme who wrecks other guys in a crazy martial arts tournament. It's like Rocky except with more karate and straight to DVD. And less actual "storyline." Get this shiz. Now.
Listen, we know how terrible the next few months are going to be. But with the help of your sweet, sweet television and these turbo-masculine flicks, you'll be able to spin-kick winter in its fat skull and make it out wiser and tougher. You're welcome.
Also, don't miss Katherine Heigl in One for the Money, coming to theaters January 27!