A table I was serving made me sit down and watch a 3 min YouTube video then tipped me under 20%. Now my brain is hot and I only hear buzzing
Whether you work at a restaurant or a law office, hopefully this look at the funniest tweets of the week from the local comedy scene will cure your Tuesday blues.
Why even write a resume when you can write this?
"I did the best I could with the broken equipment I was given," is a thing I said at work. It's also what I want written on my tombstone.— Turner Barrowman (@turnerbarrowman) April 11, 2016
As standup Ben Katzner shows us that sometimes the real challenge is just getting to work. Or, not getting to work…
Almost got hit by a school bus while in a cross walk today, which is the pedestrian equivalent of being one number off on a lottery ticket.— Katz (@ShaqKatzner) April 16, 2016
Emails are boring 99 percent of the time. But every once in awhile, as Drew Janda points out, you get a juicy one…
Got an email from Bernie Sanders talking about how all the Pixar films are in the same universe— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) April 16, 2016
Let’s skip checking emails and check Facebook’s trending updates with Acme regular Derek Henkels:
Okay, never mind, the news is depressing. Allow standup Robert Fones to suggest a more unifying news outlet:
Republican are afraid men will use the women's bathroom, so they pass laws requiring some men use the women's bathroom. Maybe it's a riddle!— Derek Henkels (@derekhenkels) April 13, 2016
What about the folks who don’t have day jobs? Let Andy Erikson challenge you with this:
I'm pretty sure we're just a few Buzzfeed videos away from really uniting as a species.— Fonesy (@Robert_Fones) April 18, 2016
Well, as standup Chloe Radcliffe illustrates, it could be worse. At least your job doesn’t look like this:
You can talk The Talk but can you view The View?— Andy Erikson (@andyerikson) April 16, 2016
Perhaps a day off is necessary. Maybe grab dinner with dad? Standup Andrew Friedman demonstrates why that might not be the best idea:
LIEUTENANT: Fire at will— Chloe Radcliffe (@chlosephstalin) April 11, 2016
WILL: Not aga--
At least you can relax with a little love. Just be quiet, as comedian Brandon Reynoso points out:
Waiter: ready to order?— Andrew Friedman (@A_Frieds17) April 12, 2016
A dad, somewhere: can I get an order of my son turning his phone off, hold the power button. Oh c'mon that's funny!
My downstairs neighbor is loud during sex. She’s always screaming, “Quiet down up there! I’m calling the police!”— Brandon Reynoso (@brandonreynoso) April 15, 2016