"Awwww yeaaaah! Oscar night is this Sunday!" said a bunch of middle-aged moms and drama club kids across the country.
Sunday night, all eyes are on Hollywood for the 84th Academy Awards. This is an evening where the best actors, films, and dead celebs are celebrated, while millions of people around the world sit at home wondering why they stayed up until 1 a.m. only to find out that Con Air didn't win the Best Picture award (IMPORTANT: As an FYI, it turns out that you can't email the Academy with write-in votes for the Oscars. Live and learn).
Worst of all, there are really only like four categories that anyone cares about, meaning you have to sit through three hours of emotional montages and Billy Crystal songs before you get to see anything worthwhile. Fortunately, a handful of bars around town like Brit's
and Chatterbox Pub
are hosting their own parties, allowing you to get mildly blitzed as you work your way through all of the makeup and animation-related awards.
And we're doing our part this week with the official "Nicolas Cage Needs an Oscar Drinking Game." You're welcome.
Joke about Billy Crystal being old: Take a sip of your beverage
This is a lock. Don't get us wrong; we love Mitch Robbins just as much as the next guy, but dude hasn't done anything relevant since the last time he
boned Whoopi Goldberg hosted the Oscars. Get ready for a lot of old-balls jokes, and a lot of smooth Coors Light.
Morgan Freeman narrates anything: Take two sips of your beverage
This includes Visa commercials. You know he's going to give a sick narration, and you're going to get sick pounding amaretto the whole time. Everyone must keep going until the applause break dies down. Again, this includes Visa commercials. Deal with it.
Reference to the upcoming presidential election and/or any natural disaster of the past 12 months: Take a drink, pretend to know what they're talking about
Come on, Hollywood bros and lady-bros; keep your real-life bullshit out of my fancy TV awards.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt have a bro moment: Slam a whiskey shot, smack closest lady on the backside
These two are seriously an Affliction shirt away from being the bro-iest dudes at Sneaky Pete's, except slightly more attractive. And one of them was on The Facts of Life. One point for Clooney.
Outdated "Occupy" reference: Huff rubber cement out of paper bag; email boss at work to express real feelings (or, you know, take a drink)
Are we still doing that? Just checking.
Animal in a dress or tuxedo: Spray room with champagne; spend next 3 hours Googling pictures of animals in formal wear
To be clear, this will happen no less than three times Sunday night (The Artist and War Horse both have crazy-cute animal co-stars, and you know that monkey from Hangover 2 is bound to make an appearance). Our recommendation: duct tape tarps all over your crib like you're about to win the World Series.
Nick Nolte wins Best Supporting Actor award: Gel hair; put on Hawaiian shirt; take capful of GHB; take self-portrait using iPhone
If it's good enough for Nick Nolte, it's good enough for you.
Nicolas Cage makes an onscreen appearance: Finish bottle of Goldschlager; whisper for everyone at your party to get out
You can also yell and shake violently. Your choice.
You might as well take Monday off of work now; it's going to be a tough Sunday. Good luck.
The Oscars starts at 6 p.m. Sunday, February 26.