Monday, February 13, 2012 at 9:37 a.m.
It happened again, didn't it?
You got to work this morning, looked at your hilarious Far Side day calendar and realized that today is February 13; the day before Valentine's Day. And you haven't bought anything.
While your first reaction is probably to get something easy like flowers or a Blu Ray copy of the movie Look Who's Talking -- don't. You might not think you're doing anything wrong, but the reality is that your shitty V-Day gift can do way more damage to your relationship than you know. That's why we're giving you a crash course to the absolute worst gifts you can possibly scrounge up in the next 24 hours, and how they can kill any chance you have of scoring any hot hookup action this Tuesday night.
Homemade Coupon Books
This seems like a cute idea in theory. You get out your construction paper and glitter glue and make a bunch of little homemade coupons for things like "One Free Backrub" or "You-Pick Movie Night." What's not to love, right? Wrong.
All you're doing is making a list of all the things you should be doing for your partner on a daily basis, but aren't because you're a crappy BF/GF. Seriously dude (or lady-dude)? A coupon that allows your Valentine to "Hold the Remote Control?" How about you just hold up a sign that says, "I'm a huge controlling dickhead (or lady-dickhead)" instead?
Hide your flaws; skip the coupon book. And work on being a better person, okay?
Quick, what do these three things have in common: Old movie ticket stubs, Nice Ride receipts from seven months ago, and a cocktail napkin from Perkins.
Answer: They're all garbage and shouldn't be given as gifts.
No matter how romantic you think it is that you saved every little memento from every date you and your special somebody have ever been on, the reality is that you look like a hoarder and now you're forcing your trash-picking tendencies on someone else. Also, who remembers or celebrates a trip to Perkins? People who eat their own hair, that's who.
Pinky Finger Rings
Name one person you know who wears a pinky finger ring that you have any respect for. Exactly.
The only people who wear pinky finger rings are wannabe mobsters and Morris Day. Unless you're dating one of these people, your partner will likely just look at you like the painfully awkward and clueless individual you are. Either that, or you're Jerome Benton, in which case you can ignore everything we just said.
Your Actual Pinky Finger
This is the Hail Mary of Valentine's gifts. Granted, severing one of your digits and sticking it in a box will definitely show how dedicated you are to your relationship, but it might also get you a restraining order. Trust. Us.
BONUS GIFT TIP: If you give someone your pinky finger that's also wearing a pinky ring, you're the scariest human being alive. But A+ for your attention to detail.
You've got less than 24 hours until your Valentine's Day turns into a bloodbath. Good luck with your present-hunting, and remember: just say no to talking baby movies.