Last week, the New York Times told the world everything it needed to know about the dating scene in Minnesota. While they totally hit it out of the park, the reality is that your chances of finding love (or at least a sloppy weekend hookup) aren't limited to hipster hangouts and Big Buck Hunter.
Yes, some people were offended by the horrible stereotypes that the NYT leveled on us, but the reality is that some stereotypes just happen to be true. That's why this week we're giving you a rundown of the top 10 ladies you've most likely dated, warned a friend about, or at least unsuccessfully tried to take home from the CC Club after a hot night of PBR and Game of Thrones innuendo.
(Ladies, we didn't forget about you. Keep your eyes peeled for our top 10 guys list next Thursday.)
LOL at this New York Times article about the Minneapolis dating scene
By the middle of your first date, all your friends know everything there is to know about her, as she is constantly updating her online status. Getting ready to head out? Snap a selfie! Having a drink before dinner? Instagram it! Interesting convo with a dude she's been dating less than a week? Live tweet! She likely works in sales, PR, or as a self-employed hair stylist, which explains her outgoing personality. Because of her well-connected online friend-base she's always popping up at the biggest parties, concerts, or wherever L.A. Nik
happens to be hanging out for the evening. Regardless of whether or not it works out between you guys, you'll always know what's new in her world because she never unfriends anyone, making it easy for you to creep on her hot friends (or L.A. Nik).
Don't even say the word "nightclub" around her. The Lady Bro is as Minnesotan as they come, meaning she's all about hot dish, hockey, and hunting. She'll be an immediate hit with all of your regular bros, thanks to her ability to throw down whiskey and make raunchier dick jokes than you knew existed. On the flipside, your friends' girlfriends probably can't stand her because she isn't on Pinterest and has no interest in dressing as a slutty anything for Halloween. This is an issue the Lady Bro has always faced, as she's quick to point out that she, "just gets along better with guys than girls." Oh, and don't even think about ordering a light beer when you two are watching the Vikings on Sunday Funday, unless you want to be called a pussy in front of an entire bar full of football fans by your girlfriend.
With a closet full of red and khaki, and an ever-present seasonal
beverage in her hand (pumpkin spice lattes for fall, peppermint cocoa in
winter, peach tea lemonade during the summer), the young professional
keeps her date nights limited to weekends, allowing her to keep weeknights free for happy hour with her co-workers. Her social scene is limited to the bars on Nicollet Mall, just in case she needs to run
back to the office, the exception being networking events and date parties with
her Junior League of Minneapolis sisters. Once you finally do see the inside of her place, get ready for an onslaught of decorative candles, framed
inspirational quotes, and pictures of her besties from college. Animal
haters need not apply, as the Young Professional typically has a little
dog that lords over her apartment, and keeps her company on those days
when she needs to work from home. Hooking up with a Young Professional
can be one of your more convenient relationships, unless you work
together, in which case the possible breakup could be dicey.
She might be 27 years old, but she's still the queen of the Thursday through Saturday party scene (a.k.a. the college weekend). If you've got energy to burn she's the right chick for you, as she is never going to voluntarily stay in for the night out of fear of missing something awesome. She's still a regular at the Dinkytown and First Avenue bars, where she takes great pride in knowing the bouncers' and bartenders' names. Don't bother trying to take her to a taproom or brewery tour, because if there isn't a jukebox with top-40 jams and Miller Lite on special, she isn't interested. Her wardrobe can be broken into three categories: Victoria's Secret Pink sweats for Monday through Wednesday, "going out" tops with maximum cleavage for Thursday through Saturday, and a pair of U of M basketball shorts that she wears all day Sunday while nursing a hangover. By the end of date four you'll know about every drinking-related injury she had in college, and you'll be begging to do a shot of anything but Bacardi Limon.
Who doesn't want to date someone who keeps everything tight? For the Yoga Queen, working out is like a second job. She lives in Northeast or Uptown, giving her access to no less than three yoga studios, and she's on a first-name basis with every instructor in a five-mile radius. She seems to own more Lululemon pants than jeans, but her workout regimen and vegan lifestyle allow her to pull off that look. Naturally, she belongs to a CSA, which you'll know all about when you find her food and fitness blog (because of COURSE she has a blog) or the first time she offers to cook you dinner. The flexibility might be awesome for a while, but once you realize just how much you prefer sitting on the couch in your temperature-controlled apartment instead of pretzeling yourself up in a 100-degree studio, you might find yourself looking for someone who doesn't give as much of a shit about her core.
"You guys have a State Fair? And that's like a thing?" Having just recently arrived in Minnesota, the Transplant looks at everything like Brendan Frasier in Encino Man: confused, intrigued, and constantly touching things. No matter if she's from the other side of the country or has just moved from the far-away kingdom of North Dakota, the Transplant will be sure to school you on all of the subtle differences between here and her former home. The great thing about her is that she's super outgoing, and always looking to make new friends in this new and strange land. She'll buy any Groupon that's local, which means you might end up trying new things, despite the fact you've lived here your whole life (whutup, Mirror Maze at Mall of America?). The spring, summer, and fall should be a blast, but get ready for a long winter full of stories about how the weather is soooo much nicer back where she's from... in Michigan.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Prodigal Gal waited her whole life to get out of Minnesota and go somewhere amazing, but after about 18 months of trying to be an artist in New York City, she's back home living with her parents. Even though it didn't quite work out, that won't stop Prodigal Gal from schooling you on how much better the theater/music/art/homeless people scene is in New York than here at home. She's fun to be around for a while, and admittedly has some moderately kick-ass stories about her time on the East Coast. But after a while, you won't be able to watch TV together without her dropping some NYC knowledge on you. She's a great date if you're dying to check out some experimental basement theater in town, but if you're looking for someone who wants to take in Holidazzle and then hit up Sneaky Pete's, you're going to want to move on.
Facial piercings? Check. Mural of Gotham City tattooed on her back? Check. Insane amounts of knowledge about Tim Burton movies? Double check. The Comic-Con Fangirl is as creative and quirky as they come, and is a regular on the local Con scene. She's always cooking up her next cosplay theme, and would rather spend a night in having drinks and crafting than doing shots and talking about the Wild. A girly-girl at heart, she won't half-ass her outfit for any occasion, making her the center of attention everywhere she goes. Get ready to be on iPhone picture patrol when you two are in her element at the nearest Con, because you're going to be snapping lots of pictures of nerdy bros with your lady when you date this type.
Sometimes, you just want to explore your more natural side. Enter the Freegan. Clad in whatever outfit she put together from Goodwill, she can be found chain-smoking outside of some dude's basement that has somehow been classified as a coffee shop. The Freegan is covered in ironic piercings and tattoos, and would rather harvest her renegade urban garden than swing by Whole Foods. In her "free" time, she writes a zine full of radical rants on the injustice of the day, and lives for the crust-punk party scene, likely also happening at the same basement-turned-coffee shop that she frequents by day. If you've never seen the movie Mad Max 2 (NOT Mad Max), study up, because it's probably the only action movie you're going to convince her to watch.
You've got to catch her if you want to date her. Whether it's cranking out a quick six miles before work on West River Parkway, or hitting up the chain of lakes on Saturday morning for her 18-miler, the Marathon Runner doesn't stop. She's always got a race coming up, whether it's a beer run, a zombie dash, or an extreme obstacle course, which means that you've always got a race coming up, whether you like it or not. Her friends are all just as sporty as she is, and the conversation never strays too far from the latest race-course war story or training nightmare. The Marathon Runner is sort of a beer snob, and she's always down for a nice, strong IPA after a long run. When she's not running, she's still working on her fitness, scaling walls at Vertical Endeavors or paddle boarding on the Mississippi. You'll never be in better shape than when you're dating her, but you'll also really miss Doritos.