There are certain annual events that every geek worth their longboxes not only looks forward to, but also looks forward to complaining about: San Diego Comic-Con (a pop-culture mecca that long ago sold out to Hollywood), the summer slate of comic book movies (never as good as the source material), Apple's keynote addresses (where the new iPhones never manage to live up to expectations), and of course, the now seemingly annual DVD re-release of the Star Wars films.
As is usually the case when George Lucas decides to further ruin/revise his classic sci-fi franchise, he once again giveth to the geeks (the hexalogy is finally being released on Blu-ray as part of an epic nine-disc box set) and taketh away (digitally adding unnecessary edits, most notably the Ewoks now have the ability to blink, Darth Vader now shouts "Nooo!" as he kills Emperor Palpatine, and Obi-Wan Kenobi unleashes the dreaded Jedi Autotune). Granted, these are minor alterations to most, but to hardcore Star Wars geeks, it's like badly Photoshopping a big, beaming grin on the Mona Lisa.
[jump] Yet despite the nerd rage and vows from longtime fans swearing off the storied sci-fi franchise once and for all, it's not like Lucas will ever stop tinkering with his films. So why stop there, George? We know you've got tons more "great" ideas bouncing around in that noggin of yours that's slowly being devoured by your neck, so why dole them out piecemeal? Why not just deliver one gigantic, overarching, ultimate-edition box set packed with all the digital edits and additions you could possibly dream of? Heck, we'll even get the wheels turning for ya:
REPLACE THE MAX REBO BAND WITH THE CAST OF GLEE
Lucas already tinkered with the Max Rebo band in an earlier re-release, because apparently he just knew fans wanted to see more of a ghastly alien singing gibberish. But why not take it one step further? Delete those puppets out completely, and add in the cast of Glee singing a rousing rendition of Bill Murray's take on the theme to Star Wars from Saturday Night Live.
MIX IN A LITTLE NASCAR WITH THE POD RACE
You know what was missing from the pod race in Phantom Menace? A little bit of "git'er done." Plus, for whatever reason, most NASCAR fans think the likes of Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart are villains anyway, so it'll be easy for them to figure out whom to root for and against (instead of a bunch of little alien guys and a really annoying little kid).
REPLACE ALL BLASTERS AND LIGHTSABERS WITH WALKIE TALKIES
Remember a few years back when Steven Spielberg decided to make E.T. more "kid friendly" by replacing all of the guns with Walkie Talkies? What's stopping Lucas from doing the same? Just think of all the epic Walkie-Talkie fights there will be. Also, at long last, the great "did Han or Greedo shoot first?" debate will be settled: Neither of them did.
NO ONE DIES. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT.
If there's one thing about most of the Star Wars films, it's that they can be such downers. Someone dies in almost every single one, just when you really get to like them. Let's just do away with that nonsense, and change the ending so that everyone gets to be one big happy Jedi family (and not a bunch of hologram ghosts).
LUKE AND LEIA BECOME SELF-AWARE
In order to once and for all make up for that weird story arc where Luke and Leia didn't realize they were brother and sister, just add a digital "gross!" or "weird!" every time the siblings share an intimate moment. They can do that on computers nowadays, right?
THROW IN AN INDIANA JONES CAMEO
Since he's already nuked the Indiana Jones franchise along with re-heating Star Wars, why not just mix both together in one steaming pot of childhood memory destruction? Just picture Indy walking into the Mos Eisley Cantina, and coming face-to-face with Chewbacca and Han. Hijinks (and synergy) will ensue!
MORE JAR-JAR BINKS
Is Jar-Jar the absolute worst character to ever be introduced in the history of everything? Or is he just misunderstood? Only one way to find out: Cram him into every movie, no matter how absurd or out-of-place he might be.
AT-ATS ARE BORING. AT-AT TRANSFORMERS ON THE OTHER HAND...
Because hulking, giant walking tanks simply aren't cool enough anymore, let's call in Michael Bay and make those things transform into giant robots.
STOP IGNORING THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
Most everyone has completely forgotten about the made-for-television Christmas special, so maybe it's high time to remind folks that this thing totally exists by tacking it on to the end of Episode II or III. (Chances are no one would even know the difference; after all, does anyone know what happened in those two movies?)
DIGITALLY REPLACE HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY ACT
...all jokes aside, we'd be 100% down with this decision.