Ten comic-book movies that should never be made


Cowboys and Aliens. Thor. The Green Hornet. Ya hear that, folks? That's the sound of the comic-book movie barrel being scraped dry. Look, when the options are between reheating well-known properties like Spider-Man and X-Men, or banking on a B-list character like Green Lantern (feel free to bring the hate, fanboys, but he's the very definition of B-list to mainstream audiences), then maybe it's time to take a little break from the genre, huh?

Yet despite a clear case of over-saturation, big budget flicks based on the cape 'n' tights set aren't going anywhere so long as there's still millions to be made, so get ready for more CGI-heavy films based on characters you kinda-sorta remember from Saturday morning cartoons in the coming years.

That being said, there are still plenty of comic-book characters and premises that are so unbelievably lame that an army of Joss Whedons and Christopher Nolans couldn't even come close to making them cool to even the most devout comic believers. So should there be any Hollywood big wigs out there reading this who are considering green-lighting any of these characters and concepts, allow us to be the first to say: No. Just, no...

[jump] 10) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fin Fang Foom

Oh sure, on the surface a kung-fu flick featuring a giant space dragon seems like a cool idea, but then Ang Lee will get his hands on it and make it all artsy and subtitle-y. Did you forget about the last time Lee decided to make a comic book movie (i.e. 2003's Hulk)? It had Hulk dogs. Yeah. Pass.


9) Jarvis, Butler to Heroes

While the Avengers will be off saving the world's collectives asses in the highly anticipated superhero ensemble film next year, who will be back making sure Avengers' mansion will be properly vacuumed and dusted? Jarvis, the Avengers' butler, that's who. And does anyone care? No. And no one will ever care.

8) Fatman: The Human Flying Saucer Returns

A superhero comedy featuring this barely-remembered character might work (and that's a huge might), but knowing the geniuses out in La-La Land, they'd make him all dark and brooding and wearing a leather costume. And instead of a Flying Saucer, he'd turn into a jet or something that would make for a great line of action figures. And he probably wouldn't be fat, either.

7) 3-D Man: Also available in 2-D

...but brought to you in glorious, groundbreaking "Smell-O-Vision" because a 3-D Man movie in any dimension would stink on ice.

6) The Legion of Superpets Live Action

Studio execs have a hard enough time trying to get a Superman movie right these days, so chances are they'd royally screw up a film featuring the likes of Beppo the Super-Monkey. Which is saying a lot because, come on -- Beppo the Super Monkey?! Do we really need to say more than that?

1) Hostess Fruit Pies: The Movie

Yeah, an entire movie where thugs and supervillains are thwarted by delicious, flaky, processed-sugary Hostess fruit pies, filled with gooey cherry, apple, and blueberry filling...mmmm, Hostess fruit pies...on second thought, this one's not a bad idea. Someone get this into production, stat!

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