There's a horrible epidemic happening behind locked doors and over power lunches in Hollywood.
At this very moment, your favorite movies from when you were a kid--the ones you know every line to, that you wore out the VHS cassettes from watching them so much, the ones starring actors and actresses that to this day you still harbor a crush on--are being annihilated. Or, as the evil Hollywood execs paint it, they're "being remade for a new generation."
It's certainly no secret that there's been a severe shortage of fresh ideas coming out of the major film studios (was that fifth Final Destination really necessary?), but lately it seems like nothing is sacred (in terms of pop culture from the '80s, at least). This year alone we'll see the remakes of such Regan-era classics as Footloose, Fright Night, and Adventures in Babysitting (you're not fooling anyone, The Sitter). Last week it was announced that even Dirty Dancing is heading for a modern-day reboot.
While kids of the '80s may groan in contempt, there's very little we can do to stop these travesties. So if Hollywood can so easily hurl Baby in the corner, one can only imagine that these 10 untouchables are probably next on the butcher's block. Let's just hope they don't take our "friendly" advice...
[jump] THE GOONIES (1985)
The original: A group of kids embark on a wild adventure after finding One Eyed Willy's pirate treasure map. Say it with us now, "Baby, Ruth?"
How Hollywood will ruin it: Finding a long-forgotten cave complete with booby traps, water slides, and pirate ships is one thing, but there's no way Warner Bros. could do a remake and not cram tons of unnecessary CGI ghost pirates, sea monsters, and probably even CGI Sloth into the mix for good measure. Also, a 3D/IMAX release simply goes without saying.
THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)
The original: A classic fairy tale--complete with sword fights, (Andre the) giants, rodents of unusual size, and lots of kissing--comes to life.
How Hollywood will ruin it: It's actually kind of surprising that Disney hasn't already jumped on this one as it covers two of their favorite subjects: princesses and marriage. All they'd need to do is add one of their trademarked, absurdly sad beginnings (maybe make it so the grandfather in the story dies while reading the book to his grandson?).
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985)
The original: Five high-school students, each representing a different clique, meet in detention and soon find that they have more in common than they originally thought.
How Hollywood will ruin it: Ugh, can anyone imagine who this generation's "Brat Pack" would consist of? What young, up-and-coming, and, above all else, good actors would be cast in this remake? And why do we get the feeling that there would be a Glee-esque musical number worked in where the cast sings "Don't You Forget About Me"? Probably after they all get high. Just kidding. (That scene would get cut from the script immediately.)
The original: A girl who reluctantly wants to be down with the in-crowd meets a rebel who shows her more devious ways to play around with high school social politics.
How Hollywood will ruin it: In this day and age, does anyone think a movie like Heathers--filled to the brim with high-school revenge killings--would ever get made? Sure it would! Only replace all of the brutal deaths with "wacky pranks," giving the original black comedy a complete white washing.
SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984)
The original: Poor Samantha Baker's Sweet 16 is anything but after everyone either forgets her birthday or finds unique ways of embarrassing her.
How Hollywood will ruin it: ...by simply doing it in the first place! Come on, there's no better example of a 1980's high-school love story than this, so it would just be sad to see its legacy destroyed. Not to mention we'll never see another character named "Long Duk Dong" in a movie ever again--for better and for worse.
TOP GUN (1986)
The original: The best among an elite U.S. Navy flying school compete against each other to see who really is the "Top Gun." Also: beach volleyball.
How Hollywood will ruin it: Two words: Michael Bay. Look, we're well past the "U-S-A! U-S-A!" era in this country, and lord knows we can't afford to offend any other nations (even the ambiguous one who flew the MiGs in the original flick), so chances are the students in the Top Gun program would be training on experimental jet crafts that transformed into robots and fought an alien menace. In other words, this would just be Transformers 4.
REVENGE OF THE NERDS (1984)
The original: A group of bullied college social outcasts vow revenge on their tormentors by forming their own fraternity.
How Hollywood will ruin it: It just wouldn't make any sense these days to do this, considering that the nerds have pretty much prevailed in society. And do schools even have a jock social class anymore, or did they go the way of the greasers? Not to mention, long gone are the days of gratuitous nudity in R-rated comedies, which was half the reason why people (read: guys) flocked to this flick in the first place.
THE NEVERENDING STORY (1984)
The original: A lonely boy finds an enchanted book, which takes him away to a world of fantasy and wonder.
How Hollywood will ruin it: Oh, this could probably be re-done, but what kid out there actually reads big, musty books that aren't movie-properties-in-the-making? Knowing Hollywood, they'd change the book into an iPad app, and call in James Cameron to green screen the entire production.
BLADE RUNNER (1982)
The original: Deckard, a "Blade Runner," is tasked with hunting down four Replicants (genetically engineered organic robots) who hijacked a spaceship in an attempt to find their maker.
How Hollywood will ruin it: They simply don't make dystopian future sci-fi flicks like they used to, probably because we're basically living in a dystopian future sci-fi world. In other words, yes, this could work as a re-imagining, but judging by the likes of recent attempts (we're looking at you, TRON: Legacy) it's hard to get excited about science fiction when the future is now.
BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)
The original: Marty McFly travels back to the year 1985 and puts his own existence at risk when he comes between his future parents meeting and, ya know...
How Hollywood will ruin it: It's bad enough that we can't let Patrick Swayze rest in peace (hey, at least that Red Dawn remake looks to have stalled) but can't we just leave Michael J. Fox's legacy alone? I mean, have any of you seen that god-awful remake of Teen Wolf on MTV?