Summer Fashion Don'ts for Lads and Ladies
Summer's here again, that wonderful time of the year when people who have no freakin' clue don their most poorly-considered clothes. Even the marked increase in skin-to-clothing ratio isn't enough to save most folks from falling into fashion quagmires galore. It's not like we want Armani and Prada, people. Just try to steer clear of these ridiculous warm-weather faux pas, will you?
Best case scenario: you have pecs the size of watermelons and flexing your abs dissolves ladies' underwear within 50 feet. You'll still look like a self-centered douche from Jersey Shore. At least stick a friggin' button-down shirt over that. Nothing fancy, just something to cover up the tribal tat around your bicep.
Shorts with tube socks
This is even worse than socks with sandals. Nothing makes us lose our lunch faster than a dude with his chicken legs sticking out of a pair of awkwardly short shorts, girded to the mid-calf with white tube socks. We suppose if you're going for that "still live in your parents' basement" look that's all the rage amongst many IT professionals, go for it. We'll just be over here getting some. Stylish alternative: footy socks.
Tiny jogging shorts
99% of dude legs are unattractive, and the more you keep them hidden, the better. Know what's not good at hiding legs? Tiny, plastic, flaming electric yellow jogging shorts. That's to say nothing of how these mothers turn see-through when soaked in sweat, and how way too many joggers opt into the "running without undies" program. Save our eyes - jog in something that covers your thighs.
Linen pants are great for about ten seconds, during which you look like a Sicilian mob boss surveying his olive orchards in the warm Mediterranean sunlight. Immediately after that, they look like you balled them up, stomped on them, ran them through a cement mixer, and then shot them with a Hydroreactive Wrinkle-Ray 3000. Save yourself a double scoop of looking-like-crap and get some chinos instead.
Fanny packs sound like such a good idea. They're small and lightweight so they'll hold your keys, wallet, phone, and Glock without the weight and bulk of a backpack. In practice, though, nothing screams "I have an extreme desire to prevent human contact" like a low-slung belly bag. Get yourself a classy messenger bag and put up with the bulk in exchange for a healthy upgrade in class.
Not wearing a bra
It doesn't matter how great a rack you have, having your nibbly bits on display through your t-shirt looks tackier than a truckload of Juicy Couture. So please slap on a boob-sling - it can be a massive push-up if you want, as long as it's thick enough to keep Nora and Nancy from coming to the party. And if we ever catch you wearing one of those nipple bras, we will never speak to you again.
Ridiculously short skirts
Nothing makes us feel ashamed for the wearer as much as the bandaid-around-your-butt miniskirt. Double that if it's made out of denim. Triple it if you're stumbling around First Ave at 2a.m. in six-inch spike heels, looking for a safe place to puke. We just want to round you all up in a paddywagon and ship you off to fashion boot camp. Lesson one: if bending over causes your undies and/or lady bits to show, it's wayyy too short. Get something sexy and just a squinch more modest instead.
Yoga pants when you're not exercising
Look, you're not fooling anyone wearing athletic clothes to the grocery store while simultaneously loading up your cart with Haagen Dazs and Coke. And sure, your ass probably looks pretty good in that stretch fabric - at least better than it does in Daisy Dukes. But those panty lines? Not hot. Get some classy shorts or capris instead.
We kid you not, people wear these during the summer. They're not content to flay our eyes during the long winter months, in which myriad fake-baked teenagers prance around with skinny jeans tucked into their foot-potatoes. No, people actually have the audacity to wear these with shorts - SHORTS, for the love of all that is holy. We can't even manage the presence of mind to be snarky. Just don't wear Uggs. Not during winter, and certainly not during the summer. If you are going to Alaska to train sled dogs, Uggs away. But otherwise, flip flops, people!
Please note: this fashion tip does not apply if you're Megan Fox. We're guessing she doesn't read City Pages, though, so everyone else listen up: nothing converts a nice bustline into sausage-boobs faster than a tube top. Elastic at the top and elastic at the bottom means everything in-between looks like a shapeless mound somewhere in the middle. It's just not attractive. Replace your tube tops with nice tank tops.
There you have it! Any fashion tips of your own to share? Leave them in the comments.
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