How many beers do you need to turn a toad of a film into a prince? When using a beer-goggles movie scale, an Academy Award-winning work like The King's Speech is simply a one-beer film that is nicely complemented by an IPA. Meanwhile, Joel Schumacher's nearly unwatchable Batman & Robin can be redeemed when viewed through a boozy haze.
Tonight at the Bryant-Lake Bowl, The Star Wars Holiday Special will be screened. Audiences will have to decide for themselves how much liquor they need before they can cast eyes upon this 1978 televised disaster. We've created a drinking game to help you make it through a film so notorious that it has only screened once on network TV.
[jump] Take a big, hearty swig...
... if you've heard nothing but Wookiees howling for more than a minute (no interruptions of that pesky English!).
... when Grandpa Itchy (Chewie's dad) watches human erotica on a 3-D visor... in his living room... with family around... while making guttural Wookiee-pleasure sounds.
Use the Force, take a pull:
... when a Wookiee tries to express a plot point through emotive acting.
... when someone says "Life Day."
... every time one of the main actors makes an appearance (Luke, Han, Princess Leia, Chewbecca).
... when a human somehow understands what a Wookiee is saying.
... whenever you see Astro Turf.
... any time you feel kind of bad for Harrison Ford, who is clearly trying.
... whenever you think you hear George Lucas's soul screaming.
Wookiee social! Throw a hairy arm across your neighbor's shoulder and share a sip:
... when LUKE SKYWALKER'S HAIR SHOWS UP! OMG!
... at any unexplained scene change.
... when Jefferson Starship makes a hallucinatory appearance.
... if you suspect one of the actors is on drugs.
... when a Stormtrooper is killed in the spirit of "Life Day."
Finish your drink, this show is almost over and you should be good and sloppy now:
... during the Boba Fett cartoon sequence.
... when Bea Arthur sings in a cantina full of aliens. (It's actually kind of fun to sway along while swilling a brew.)
... when an actor appears who in later years denied the existence of the movie (It's a trick! They all deny it, except Carrie Fisher, who likes to play it at the end of parties to chase people off!).
With great perseverance and thick enough beer goggles, you too can find a special place in your heart for The Star Wars Holiday Special. Bring a toy for admittance, as donations go to Toys for Tots, and make sure to have some cab fare to get home.
IF YOU GO:
The 8th Annual Star Wars Holiday Special
Admission is free with an unwrapped toy donation
Showtimes are at 7 and 10 p.m. (come early; shows generally sell out each year)