St. Cloud, Minnesota is for lovers. Just ask it.
For example, the city is home to a smiling, serpentine couple who are so afraid of accidentally videotaping a happy queer couple kissing they've spent three years in court over their right to refuse filming a gay wedding.
Angel and Carl Larsen see marriage as a "sacrificial covenant," a label that really makes you want to get down on one knee... and then another knee... and then just lie down face-first on the sidewalk for a while.
Instead of questioning the bond between two people who've spent years publicly demonstrating how heterosexual they are, let's review other recent St. Cloud stories:
- One local woman was disturbed at the sight of Somali-Americans "just walking around," as if they were were allowed to stand up and use their appendages to move.
- An elected official kept right on running for office, and successfully, years after his daughter alleged he'd touched her inappropriately
- A racist went public with an easily disproved hoax about someone being stalked at a Walgreens.
If you're not already falling for the subjects of these stories, you've lost the capacity to love, and should immediately visit St. Cloud to regain your sense of romance. We learned this from an air-tight scientific study conducted by EliteSingles.com, among the internet's best resoucres for people who cannot find anyone willing to date them, not one fucking person, but still insist they're "elite."
EliteSingles has determined the "most romantic" cities in America. And according to their "research," most are in sunny, warm places. One is not.
1. Boynton Beach, FL
2. Myrtle Beach, SC
3. Cypress, CA
4. St. Cloud, MN
5. Sugar Land, TX
6. Boca Raton, FL
7. Pembroke Pines, FL
8. Corona, CA
9. Fort Worth, TX
10. Wilton Manors, FL
So, uh, about that list. We're not here to tell you your date in Boca Raton won't buy you flowers you have to figure out where to set down while he talks at you about golf. But this study does have one tiny little drawback, science-wise. Here's how it was done:
For this study, we looked at random, anonymous user data from 150,000 singles registered with EliteSingles. In particular, we looked at responses to the statement ‘I bring romance to my relationships.’ The more strongly people agreed with this statement, the more romantic they were deemed to be.
Right then. So this matchmaking website has determined "where to find a romantic partner" by... asking people if they're romantic. And the good, single-but-elite people of St. Cloud have bravely raised their hands to say that they are, in fact, romantic. Maybe not as romantic as someone from Boynton Beach, but you really can't compete with a populous whose oceanfront area recently underwent "a total refurbishment of the restrooms," as documented on Wikipedia.
St. Cloud's inclusion on this list, which has been making the rounds via a TV screenshot, has inspired strong reactions. We would not characterize these tweets as "romantic" in nature.
What the fuck is romantic about St. Cloud https://t.co/s3dQfvkxOY— �� (@spaceygracie_) August 26, 2019
How the hell is St. Cloud, Minn. the No. 4 most romantic city in America? https://t.co/aMFn1dz55A— Katie Davidson (@_katiedavidson) August 27, 2019
How is St. Cloud romantic? https://t.co/qHMZ0zv12m— Miss Sunshine (@leolasunshine)August 26, 2019
ST. CLOUD IM SCREAMING WHY https://t.co/0I30UYsCAe— felicia (@feliciaphil) August 28, 2019
Who the fuck made this St. Cloud really https://t.co/VoW5rCFoxm— Clawthrone Heights (@douchexbag) August 26, 2019
ST. CLOUD????? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT https://t.co/qPWdcfsFlx— d �� (@wineandtacos) August 27, 2019
i just wanna know how the FUCK st. cloud made the list nonetheless NUMBER 4 IN THE US??????? who made this https://t.co/23KN4IFWTC— hal (@hallegeyen) August 27, 2019
I lived in St. Cloud for about a year and a half AND NEVER EVEN TALKED TO A BOY??? https://t.co/qqfW8Mwagw— Cunter (@HunterWooood) August 28, 2019
New motto for St. Cloud: Passionate about love on EliteSingles.com, passionate about being openly disappointed with the dating scene on Twitter.