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Nymphomaniac Uncut: 5 Reasons to See It, 5 Reasons to Flee It

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Trylon microcinema is trying something new. They've expressed interest in the uncut version of Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac -- all five-and-a-half hours of it -- but the fate of the screening is up to you.

You may have caught the first and second volume of this star-studded, Shia-stamped sex epic earlier this year, but the uncut edition is something else entirely. After tying the films together and adding an hour of footage, Von Trier has left audiences with a marathon. The director is not known for his light hand, and the very NSFW teaser trailer promises loyalty to the film's name.

So what do you think? Would you buy a ticket? You better make up your mind soon, because the Trylon will only show this film if at least 20 tickets are purchased by Saturday, November 15. To make your decision process easier, here is the ultimate Nymphomaniac pro and con list.

[jump] 5 Reasons You Should Not Buy a Ticket

1. It Will Make You Sad

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If there's one director that will never make a feel-good film, it's Lars von Trier. The opening minutes of Nymphomaniac are composed of simple sounds and images: a light snow, small streams of water running off a tin roof, the squeak of a rusted fan trying to spin. In the end, it's this grasp of minutiae that will sway your emotions more than any teardrop or other bodily fluid.

2. Shia LaBeouf

I support both Even Stevens Shia and paper bag on the head Shia. I'm a Shia supporter 99 percent of the time. The four hours I spent watching the original cut of Nymphomaniac make up the other one percent. Part of his downfall comes from his vague, un-placeable accent. The other comes from being a mainstream actor amidst Von Trier veterans Charlotte Gainsbourg and Stellan Skarsgård.

3. The Penis Parade

If your friends have told you anything about this film, it's probably the montage of penises. They come seemingly out of nowhere, after one of the more innocent and heartwarming scenes, and then disappear. The next chapter begins and you sort of forget about it, yet sort of keep it with you forever.

4. It's Not Your Typical Valentine's Rom-Com

Valentine's Day planning is tough, but we can bet taking your significant other to this two days before will not help. Out of all the sex depicted in this film, none of it is framed in a way that could ever be considered arousing. It's the anti-aphrodisiac.

5. The Ending

While we cannot guarantee that anyone will like the ending, we can guarantee that you will never forget it.

Up next: Why it's awesome and you should see it.

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5 Reasons You Should Buy a Ticket

1. It's Not That Disturbing  

When I saw the trailer for Nymphomaniac: Volume II at the end of the first film, I wigged (thanks, Rammstein). I thought it was going to be the most emotionally unsettling and sexually graphic film I would ever see, blowing the infamous Antichrist out of the water. But it's not that bad. Heck, it's even funny at times.

2. The Entire Cast (Besides Shia LaBeouf)

Heavy hitters Gainsbourg, Skarsgård, and Willem Dafoe were expected, having worked with Von Trier before. Uma Thurman appears for roughly 10 minutes, but will sear herself in your mind. Christian Slater provides a few precious moments of happiness. Then there are the exceptional performances from newcomers Stacy Martin and Mia Goth.

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3. See It to Complete the "Depression Trilogy"

If you're a Von Trier diehard, you've heard this phrase. For the happier section of society, it's the unofficial categorization of his last three films: Antichrist, Melancholia, and Nymphomaniac. There really needs to be a grown-up merit badge for everyone who finishes all three. But if you've never seen one of his films, don't worry, this has it all.

4. It's Best to See It in a Movie Theater

Both Volume I and Volume II of the original cut are on Netflix. So if you're like most Minnesotans and prepped for winter with a subscription, you're probably not keen on spending money to see a film you (basically) have access to. We get it. But this is not a movie to binge on while eating cookie dough in bed. The witty banter of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore is much more suited to that environment than the moral sparring of Joe (Gainsbourg) and Seligman (Skarsgård).

5. Do It for the Experience

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After 330 minutes of exploring the far reaches of sexual relations through exemplary storytelling, the credits will roll. You will get up from your seat, say goodbye to the good people at the Trylon, and step into the cold February night. The other moviegoers will silently nod at you, and you will nod in return. Then you'll all leave, forever sharing the triumph of completing the odyssey that is Nymphomaniac uncut.  

IF YOU GO:

*This movie will only screen if 20 tickets are purchased by November 15

Nymphomaniac (Extended Director's Cut)

Trylon microcinema

32 58 Minnehaha Ave., Minneapolis

7 p.m. Thursday February 12, 2015

$12

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For tickets, visit www.take-up.org